| Boston Another coffee shop, Justin thought to himself as he sat with a book in his hand and a chai latte in front of him. It was enough for him to sit in a cafe every afternoon and read. Reading was his one escape from the real world. When he disappeared in the pages, he became the protagonist. He was a hero, he was a basket case, he was a princess... Whatever the book was about, he thought of himself as the main character and he lost himself in the fantasy. The worst parts came when he had to firmly close the book and come back to the place where he didn't see his happy ending anywhere in sight. He kept piles of books in the small trunk of his car, making sure that once he finished one book he had another on hand. Again, every morning was spent seeing things in Boston that appealed to his artistic eye. He tried to lose himself in art as well. It was so easy for Justin to spend as much time as he could surrounding himself with fantasy so that he didn't have to face his own reality. His books became his friends. Art became his family. "Can I get you another chai?" A voice asked from next to Justin. He turned and looked up into a pair of stunning blue eyes. The face that held those eyes wasn’t too bad either. "Yes, thank you." Justin said politely, turning back to his book. As attracted as he was to the young waiter, he had promised himself that he wouldn't form any attachments while he was on the road. "Coming right up." There was a hint of disappointment in the young man's voice and Justin wondered if the guy was, in fact, interested in him. Justin thought about what he was on this trip trying to find out. When the waiter returned, Justin asked him if he had a break coming up. “Yeah, I can take a break anytime.” “Do you want to come sit with me?” Justin offered. A smile crept onto the guy’s face and Justin felt himself smiling too. “Sure.” The guy grabbed himself a coffee and returned. “I’m Nick Houston.” “Justin Taylor.” He smiled a “Sunshine” smile and realized that he was trying to get Nick to go home with him. He wasn’t sure how you could try and get someone to come home with you without realizing, but he had been. He supposed that he was starved for some kind of physical release. “Are you new in town?” Nick asked. “I’ve never seen you here before this week.” “I’m just passing through.” Justin shrugged. “I’ll probably be out of here tomorrow.” “Oh. What are you reading?” Nick asked. Justin held up the book, a classic fantasy novel, and Nick smiled. “I’ve read that, it’s a favorite of mine.” “I like it a lot myself.” Justin agreed. “Listen, Nick, what time is your shift over?” “In about an hour and a half.” Nick said under lowered lashes. He had a cute smile on his face and Justin couldn’t resist reaching out and touching his hand. “Do you want to go have some dinner?” Justin suggested. “Sure.” Nick smiled. Justin could see the desire in the boy’s eyes. “Great. I’ll be right here.” Justin winked and went back to his book. --- Pittsburgh “Ladies and gentleman, we’d like to thank you all for coming and we hope to hear from you soon.” Brian said after he had finished presenting a major campaign to the representatives from the company. “Thank you, Mr. Kinney.” One of the reps shook Brian’s hand and looked into his eyes. The man, Evin Hartford was his name, was tall and lean and very attractive. “Of course, Mr. Hartford.” Brian nodded. “Listen, we’re going to be in town tonight and I was hoping that you could maybe show me around.” Brian could see what Evin was looking for in his eyes and agreed to show him around. ”Great. I’ll meet you back here at five then?” Evin asked. “Wonderful.” Brian watched as Evin walked down the corridor and around the corner. “Haven’t you learned your lesson?” Cynthia asked from behind him. She had seen the whole interaction. She had also seen what Brian had been like for the past few weeks, since Justin left, and wasn’t sure that getting back into the sex, drugs, and club scene would be good for her boss. “Nope.” Brian said as he walked back to his office. After all the time he had spent without sex, the longest he’d gone since high school, he decided that getting laid was just what he needed. --- Boston “So, why are you traveling around?” Nick asked Justin as they sat in a local pizza place chewing on their large pepperoni, double cheese pizza. “Something to do.” Justin shrugged. He wasn’t ready to get into his reasons to a total stranger, and he didn’t want to get into Brian. The point of his night out with the young waiter was to get Justin’s mind off Brian. “I’m a student.” Nick said. “I’m taking Pre Law at Harvard. I start in a week.” The guy seemed to hate silence and tried to fill it with whatever he could. Justin liked silence. When he and Brian were together, they didn’t have to speak, it was like they knew what the other was thinking. “Cool.” Justin put his pizza down on his plate. “So, do you want to come back to my hotel or what?” He decided to get right down to it. This night wasn’t about becoming friends; it was about filling a need. It was about fucking. Justin almost thought he had been too blunt until he saw Nick smile and stand from his chair. Obviously, it was just about sex for him too. --- Pittsburgh “Want to come back to my place?” Brian growled against Evin’s ear. They had been dancing at Babylon, their bodies pressed together, and Brian had enough. “Yes I do.” Evin smiled and followed Brian out of the club. “Gentlemen, Brian Kinney is back in action.” Emmett said as he watched the two leave. “I wonder what Justin is doing right now. --- Boston Justin pushed Nick back onto the bed and started pulling at his clothes while he attacked the boy’s neck with his mouth. “You’re so hot.” He growled as he started rubbing his hands over Nick’s, now, bare chest. “So are you.” Nick threw his head back, but continued talking. “Ever since the first time I saw you, I’ve wanted to have you like this.” “I’m on top.” Justin looked into the boy’s eyes, and saw understanding. He went back to his work on the boy’s body. --- Pittsburgh Brian had his hands on Evin before they even got into the house. His shirt was laying on the floor in the foyer as soon as the door was closed. Brian pulled the man up the stairs as he kissed him and worked on the buttons on his jeans. “Fuck, Brian. I heard you were hot, but I never expected this…” Evin moaned as Brian yanked his jeans over his hips and took hold of his cock. "Tonight you'll learn just how hot I am." Brian pushed the man onto bed and fell on top of him. --- Boston / Pittsburgh As smooth skin rubbed against smooth skin, they moaned. The feeling of each other’s bodies so new. He threw his head back and moaned as he felt a nip on his skin…. “Oh, Brian…” Justin whispered as he came…. “Yes, Justin…” Brian screamed as he came…. --- Boston "I know I probably shouldn't ask, but who's Brian?" Nick asked as he and Justin lay in bed together after they were finished. "What?" Justin asked in confusion. "You said his name. Is he your boyfriend?" Nick didn't seem hurt and Justin felt relieved. He had never called out Brian's name when he was with someone else, and the knowledge that he did this time scared him. "He used to be." Justin said as he started to get dressed. "I'm going to take a shower." "Do you want me to go?" Nick asked. "If you want." Justin didn't really care either way as long as he could have a few minutes to himself in the shower. He needed to think about what he had said. As he sat down on the edge of the bathtub, he put his head in his hands. He admitted to himself that when he was with Nick just then, he was thinking of Brian. He closed his eyes and imagined it was Brian that he was with. When Nick moaned, it was Brian that he heard. In his mind, it was Brian's skin against his own. --- Pittsburgh "I should go." Evin dressed quickly as Brian lit up a cigarette and leaned back against the pillows. "What's the rush?" He asked. "I don't want to be here when Justin gets home." Evin said pulling his shirt over his head. "What?" Brian demanded. He was sitting straight up angrily. "You screamed his name. I just figured he was the boyfriend." Evin looked at Brian strangely as he toed on his shoes. "Well, he's not. So come back here." Brian sat back and thought about what he had done. He had never called Justin's name during sex, not even when he and Justin were together. "Are you sure?" Evin looked skeptical. "Yes. I'm not done with you." Brian took a deep drag of his smoke and avoided Evin's eyes. As Evin undressed, Brian lost himself in questions. Why had he called Justin's name? Why had he imagined he was with Justin when he was with such a hot guy? Evin climbed back into bed and Brian reached down and started stroking the man's cock. "Oohhhh." Evin leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He didn't care who Kinney was thinking of, Brian was the best lover he had ever had. --- Boston When Justin came out of the washroom after his shower, Nick was sitting on the edge of the bed. "You decided to stay," Justin observed. Nick smiled and walked over to him. "Well, I was thinking..." the boy licked his lips as he pulled Justin's towel off, "I was thinking I could maybe help you forget this guy." Justin grinned and let the guy pleasure him. As he closed his eyes, Justin saw Brian in his mind. He couldn't seem to stop the image from appearing. As soon as Nick touched him, he was with Brian in his mind. Nick dropped to his knees and wrapped his mouth around Justin's cock. "Yeah..." Justin breathed as he put his hands on the back of Nick's head to encourage him to keep going. He imagined that it was Brian's mouth wrapped around him, Brian's tongue licking at his cock. --- When Justin woke in the early morning hours he smiled. After a night of serious fucking, his body felt alive and satisfied. He turned over on the bed and remembered that he hadn't been with Brian that night; he had been with the kid from the coffee shop, what was his name again? As Justin slipped out of bed, he took one last look at the attractive young man before climbing into the shower. He should have felt bad for using the young waiter to bring him back to Brian, even if it was just for one night, but he didn't. As Justin washed himself he thought of the amazing showers that he and Brian had taken together, usually ending up in bed together only moments after toweling each other off. So many of the memories of Brian were so good, and others made his heart break. He wondered what Brian was doing, who he was with, how he was. As he climbed out of the shower and toweled himself off, he decided that it was time to call his former lover. He dressed quickly and grabbed his bags. He quickly scrawled a note telling the young waiter to be out of the room by 11 before quickly leaving the room. When he got down to the lobby he dialed Brian's number, hoping that it hadn't changed when he moved. As it rang, he wondered if Brian would even be awake yet. "Hello?" A strange voice answered. "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number." Justin said shakily, hoping that he did indeed have the wrong number. "I'm looking for Brian Kinney." "He's in the shower. Can I take a message?" The strange man asked. Justin decided that he would leave a message, if for any reason to hopefully make Brian feel bad. "Tell him that Justin called." With that, Justin hung up the phone. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out to his car. "What the fuck was I thinking calling him?" He demanded of himself, feeling hurt. "I should have known he would be with a trick." It was the fear in Justin's mind that the "trick" could be more that made him shake as he drove away from Boston. He knew that Brian had changed a lot from the guy that Justin met on Liberty Avenue when he was seventeen, but would he actually move on to another relationship so soon? --- Pittsburgh Brian was drying his hair as he walked into the bedroom. Evin was sitting on the bed looking worried. "What the hell is the matter with you?" Brian asked him. "The phone rang while you were in the shower. I answered it and it was Justin." Evin quickly started dressing when he saw the expression change on Brian's face. "Why the fuck didn't you come get me!?!" Brian exploded. "As soon as he told me who he was, he hung up." Evin said as he started to button his jeans. He felt horribly uncomfortable with the situation and wanted to get out of there. "See you." Brian said absently as he thought about missing Justin's call. It had been over three weeks with no word from Justin and then, when he actually did call, a trick answered the phone. "Fuck!" He snapped. He started dressing for work. As he drove, he called Lindsay. "Linds?... It's Bri... Have you heard from Justin lately?...He called me this morning... No, I didn't get to talk to him.... The trick I was with answered the phone while I was in the goddamn shower... Yes, I know I shouldn't be letting strangers answer my phone... Skip the lecture, Linds. If he calls you, tell him to call me again.... Ok, bye." Brian clicked his phone shut. He was in a bad mood already. He didn't need one Lindsay's lectures. --- Montreal - Three Days Later Justin sat in a small outdoor cafe in Montreal, enjoying the atmosphere. He was reading a book that he had found in a local used bookstore about the history of Quebec. "Bonjour." An old French woman with a rounded stomach and white hair said to Justin. He turned and looked at her. Her cheeks were pink and her smile was sweet. "Bonjour." Justin replied awkwardly. “You don’t speak much French, do you?” The woman asked with a chuckle. She sat down next to Justin and patted his hand. “Not really.” Justin smiled in return. The woman’s eyes sparkled. Justin knew that his smile had that effect on people. “Are you traveling?” The woman asked. “Yes.” Justin nodded. The woman seemed harmless enough to talk to. “I just got into town.” “How long will you be staying?” The woman asked. “Only a few days, and then it’s on to Toronto.” Justin replied. “I’m just getting over a relationship.” He wasn’t sure how the old woman would feel about him being gay. “What was his name?” She asked, catching him off guard. “Brian.” Justin admitted. “How did you know...” “My son, Mathieu was gay.” The woman had a look of sadness in her eyes and Justin knew that her son was no longer with her. “Oh.” He said. He wanted to ask what had happened, but felt that it was too personal to ask someone he didn’t even know. “He died.” It was as if the woman could read his thoughts. “It was many years ago. Back then, being gay wasn’t as acceptable as it is today.” She seemed to grow distant. “Some men followed him out of a club and beat him.” “I’m sorry.” Justin said softly, memories of his own bashing flowing back to him. “You’re lucky that you live in a more tolerant world.” The woman said softly. Justin shook his head and wondered whether he should tell her that he, himself, was bashed. He decided to. “I was bashed at my high school prom.” Justin said softly. “The boy from Pittsburgh.” The woman said sadly. “I read about that in the paper. I knew you looked familiar. I read about those things these days. Not many people in my generation are tolerant, but I loved my son more than anything.” “You sound like Debbie. She took me in when I couldn’t go home.” Justin felt a connection to the old woman. "Sounds like a great lady.” The old woman smiled. “I’m Juliette Duquette.” "Justin Taylor.” He reached out and shook her hand gently. “It’s very nice to meet you, Justin.” She smiled gently. “So, tell me. What happened between you and your boyfriend to make you run away?” Justin winced inwardly at the term “run away”. “I wanted to spend some time on my own.” Justin shrugged. “I needed time to think and figure things out.” Juliette reached over and touched his hand. “Do you love this Brian?” “Very much.” “Does he love you?” “He did.” Justin’s voice was almost a whisper. "Then fight for him, Justin. You can’t give up on love, even if things aren’t perfect.” Juliette stood then. “I must go.” “It was nice meeting you.” Justin said. “It was nice meeting you, too.” She reached out and touched his cheek. “Remember what I said.” “I will.” Justin watched as she disappeared from the shop as if she was never really there. He sat for several minutes thinking about what she had said and wondered if he should go home. He decided that now wasn’t the time. --- Pittsburgh Brian sat silently in his office, trying hard to work but losing himself in thought. It had been four days since his phone call from Justin and he was waiting by the phone like an idiot for him to call again. His cell phone was always within arms reach. "Mr. Baird is here to see you." Cynthia said as she stepped into his office. He shook his head in an attempt to bring himself back to the present. "If he calls..." Brian began. "Don't worry, I'll come get you." Cynthia smiled gently. She was well aware of the hard time that Brian was going through. For the last month she had seen it first hand. Brian stood and straightened his suit. No matter what was going on in his personal life, he knew when it was time to be a businessman. He walked in to the meeting and just about fell over. Sitting in one of the chairs next to Mr. Baird was Craig Taylor. "Afternoon, gentlemen." Brian composed himself and walked over to the presentation he had prepared. "Afternoon, Mr. Kinney." Frank Baird said with a smile. Brian shook his hand and went on to shake Justin's dad's hand. "Mr. Kinney." Craig's voice was clipped and cold. "Mr. Taylor." Brian nodded. "You two know each other?" Baird asked in confusion. "We're acquainted." Brian nodded. "Shall we begin?" The presentation went flawlessly and Mr. Baird seemed to be impressed. Justin's father's lips stayed in a tight line for the entire time. After the presentation, Mr. Baird signed the contracts for the multi-million dollar deal. "So, how do you two know each other?" Mr. Baird asked. Craig Taylor looked uncomfortable but sensed that Brian wasn't going to answer the question. "Mr. Kinney is a friend of my son." Craig said. "Oh! How is Justin these days?" "About a month ago he ran off to 'find himself'. Jennifer tells me he's somewhere in Canada." Craig replied. Mr. Baird leaned in to the two and whispered, "Maybe this little trip will make him realize that he needs a woman in his life." Brian couldn't believe it. He wanted to punch the middle-aged man out, but refrained. "Now, Frank," Craig began, "I don't think Mr. Kinney appreciates that. He is Justin's ex-boyfriend." Brian winced. Frank frowned. "Gentleman, I really have to go." Brian ground out, furious at Craig for bringing his personal life into the office. "I have a lunch meeting. You can expect to see some more mock ups by next week." With that, Brian hurried back to the office. "What's wrong?" Cynthia asked seeing the look on his face. "The blonde idiot in there was Justin's dad." He watched the color drain from Cynthia's face. "Don't worry, I didn't kill him. But he did take the liberty of telling Baird that I'm his son's ex boyfriend." Brian sat down at his desk. "I need coffee." --- Montreal On Justin's last day in Montreal, he went back to the coffee shop. He had been there every afternoon hoping to see Juliette again, but it was as if she had disappeared. It was like she an angel sent to show him the way. Thoughts of Brian were coming more often, if that was possible. It was harder to keep his mind occupied while he was on the road. He often fell into a fantasy world where he imagined what he would say to Brian if they were together. Justin knew that he should be focusing on reality, but it was so much easier to fantasize that he was someone else, somewhere else... "Excuse me, I'm looking for a woman." Justin said to the girl behind the counter. "Small, white hair, pink cheeks, a pleasant smile. Her name is Juliette Duquette." Justin became worried when he saw the look on the girl's face change to sadness. "I'm afraid she passed on." The girl said. "She came in here every afternoon for twenty-five years. My boss told me that it was like she was waiting for someone." The girl brought Justin over to a table and sat him down. "She had a son who was killed. Someone told me once that she was waiting for him." Her face changed when she got a good look at Justin. "Wait a minute." Justin waited as the girl hurried in to the back room. When she returned she was holding an old faded newspaper clipping. She held it up and gasped. When Justin looked at her quizzically she turned the clipping around for him to see. It was as if he was looking at a photo of himself. The man was about Justin’s age in the picture, and there was no mistaking the comparison. They both had the same light hair, bright eyes, and pale skin. Their features were so similar that they could have been brothers. "She was waiting for someone. She was waiting for you." The girl said. "I saw you talking to her the other day. That was the last time I saw her. They said they found her the next morning, she died in her sleep." The girl looked sad. "She always sat right over there and watched the door. She never spoke to anyone, but she was always smiling." "What happened to her son?" "I only know what I've heard over the three years I've worked here. They say that he was gay and that he was in love with someone, a married man. The man was in love with him too, but that was the early seventies, it still wasn't as accepted. They say that the married man's wife went crazy with jealousy and got her brothers to kill Mr. Duquette." The girl looked saddened by the story. It was as if she was telling an old Elizabethan tragedy instead of the truth. "Where's the library?" Justin asked suddenly. He wanted to go and look in the papers for more about Juliette's son and his tragic passing. "Two blocks down, take a left." The girl said. Justin thanked her over his shoulder as he hurried out of the coffee shop. After two hours of searching the newspaper archives he found a story about Juliette Duquette's son Mathieu. It said that he was 21 when it happened. He was involved with a 28-year-old married man named Michele, who was married and had two children. The newspaper said that Michele's wife's 2 brothers were later arrested and charged with the murder. There was a picture of Mathieu at his high school graduation, smiling and standing with his mother. Justin felt a strange pull in his stomach at seeing the picture of the dead boy who looked so much like him. He printed out copies of the stories and decided to move on to Toronto. But first, he wanted to call Brian, he needed to hear his voice. --- Pittsburgh Brian stepped in the loft feeling exhausted after a long day at work. He saw the message light blinking and prayed that he hadn't missed Justin again. There was a burning need inside him to talk to the boy. "Hey, Brian." It was Justin's voice. He sounded sad. "I guess I missed you again. I just wanted to tell you that I'm all right. I'm in Montreal right now and I'm on my way to Toronto. I guess I wanted to tell you that I miss you. I'll try calling again sometime. Bye." Brian sat down on the floor after hearing the message, fearing he would fall if he tried to walk anywhere. Hearing Justin's voice again brought back all of the hurt that he had felt in the first days after he left. He felt the familiar pain in his stomach and pressure on his chest. It still surprised him how much Justin meant to him, and how much it hurt to see him go. He hadn't brought a trip back to the house since the time that Justin called; he didn't want to risk it. Tricks were kept in the back room or the alley behind Babylon. The thing that surprised him the most was that he knew that if he were given another chance with Justin, he would give up tricking all together. He knew that Justin, and only Justin, would satisfy completely him now. Justin was the one person in his life that he had never gotten bored of. --- Toronto Justin wandered down Church Street, Toronto's equivalent of Liberty Avenue, and felt a strange deja vu. It felt like he was home, walking down Liberty. He expected to see Brian walking down the street with Michael, Emmett, and Ted heading for the gym. And as he walked by a diner he expected to look in and see Debbie. As he walked there, remembering and missing home, he felt an incredible urge to go home. He had mapped out his course and still had a lot of places to visit before Christmas came. He had promised his mother that he would be home to spend Christmas with her and Molly. "Hey, cutie." A tall guy with thick black hair said with a sexy grin. "Not interested." Justin said. Anyone who knew him and Brian would have recognized the tone in his voice as an imitation of Brian. It was only now that he realized how much he had started to resemble Brian in their time together. "Fuck you." The guy said as he walked away. Justin sighed and kept walking. He had been excited about Toronto, but now it reminded him more of home than he could handle. He decided that it was time to leave. --- Pittsburgh ~Knock, Knock~ Brian opened the door to find Michael crying on his doorstep. “Mikey, what happened?” Brian pulled his best friend into the house and sat him down on the couch in the living room. “Ben and I broke up.” Michael sobbed. He threw his arms around Brian and continued to cry and cry. Brian held on to him. He knew how Michael felt and felt obligated to be a supportive friend, something he had never outwardly been before in this kind of situation. “When?” Brian asked as he gently ran his hand over Michael’s back. “An hour ago. He said that I’m just not that person that he wants to spend what he has left of his life with.” Michael broke into another fit of sobs. Brian felt really sorry for Michael. He knew that his best friend had been really in love with Ben and wondered where it had come from. “Did he just decide out of nowhere?” Brian asked, his voice had somewhat of a protective edge. “He’s been seeing someone else for a couple of months now. I was just too stupid to see it.” Michael held on to Brian tighter. “It’ll be ok, Mikey. You still have me.” Brian kissed Michael’s cheek and held him while he cried. --- L.A. – End of October Justin looked out at the Los Angeles skyline and wondered why he was there. During the drive out there he had seen a lot of things that he never would have seen had he not taken the trip but now, more than ever, he wanted to be at home. With Brian. He decided that he had to get out of the room and go out to do some of the exploring and living he had convinced himself that he needed. As he walked and walked he thought about what it would be like to go home. He had been gone for six weeks but it seemed like 6 years. He had learned some very important lessons during his journey. He had learned from the old woman, Juliette Duquette, that love was worth fighting for, or else you wait for it all your life. He had learned that, though he was strong enough and independent enough to be on his own, he needed his friends and family near him to feel whole. He missed the things that he had taken for granted at home, he supposed that was a lesson in itself. He decided that he would never forget to say thank you, or tell someone that he loved them. He knew that he had taken for granted that he would always have someone to lean on, but then he was the one to leave his support system. Even now, he wasn’t sure whether leaving had been the right decision. He felt more alone on this journey of self-discovery than he had ever felt in his life. But he realized that maybe knowing how much he needed the people who had been in his life in Pittsburgh would help him to appreciate them more. Justin’s thoughts were cut short when he bumped into someone from behind. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have been in another world.” “It’s alright.” A familiar face from the covers of magazines and the big screen smiled at Justin. “Damien Bryant?” Justin asked. “That’s me.” Damien extended his hand and Justin accepted it excitedly. “Now, since you know my name isn’t it fair that I get to know yours?” “Justin…. Uh…. Justin Taylor.” Justin replied. He had never been faced with a big celebrity before and was more than a little bit star struck. Damien Bryant was a major movie star and also a out gay man. “Nice to meet you, Justin.” Damien grinned again and Justin was surprised at how much he looked like Tom Cruise in real life. Only taller. He had thick dark hair and beautiful green eyes. And that smile, it seemed to light up everything around him. “So, Justin Taylor, what had you so distracted that you bumped into me.” “I’m new in town. I was just looking around.” Justin lied. “Maybe I could show you around?” Damien offered. Justin readily accepted. “Well, I have to go right now. I have to go re-shoot the ending of one of my movies. I could pick you up wherever you’re staying tonight at eight?” “Yeah, that would be great.” Justin smiled and told Damien where he was staying. “See you tonight.” Damien winked as he swaggered away. --- L.A. 3 Weeks Later “You’re leaving?” Damien asked when Justin told him that his car was packed and he was on his way out of town. “Are you going back to Brian?” “I’m going back to Pittsburgh eventually.” Justin said slowly. “You knew that this trip was about me finding myself, not about me finding another guy whose shadow I can live in.” “Is that what you think I want from you?” “It may not be what you want, but it’s unavoidable.” Justin said with exasperation. “I would always be Damien Bryant’s little toy. And I don’t want that.” Justin had seen his picture in newspapers and magazines more in the time that he had been with Damien than ever before in his life. Even the paparazzi after the bashing wasn’t as ruthless as the tabloid people who followed Damien. “So what do you want?” "I want to be Justin Taylor. I want to be able to build my own life. You have yours already, Damien. And I know I can’t fit into it.” Justin turned away. It really was hurting him to leave. After three weeks of living in Damien’s dream world, Justin knew that he had to get out. “Don’t tell me that you aren’t going back because you’re harboring some kind of hope that you and Brian will get back together and live happily ever after.” Damien spat angrily. He had grown to really care about Justin, maybe even love him, and he hated the idea of him being with someone else. “If I wanted the fairly tale I would stay here. But I want a real life. Brian may come back into it and he may not. That isn’t what matters.” Justin was getting frustrated and he just wanted to leave. “Fine. Go, Justin. But when he breaks your heart again, don’t come back here.” With that, Damien walked into his bedroom and slammed the door. Justin should have known that Damien would take the role of the tortured lover. He was such a drama queen. --- Pittsburgh - December Justin pulled up to his mom's house. It seemed like he hadn't been there in forever. His time away had been good for him and he wouldn’t trade it in for the world, but he knew that it was time for him to be home. He couldn’t wait to see all of his family and friends and with Christmas fast approaching he knew that there was no better time than the present. He sat in the car for several minutes just looking at his mom's condo and letting it settle in that he was back in Pittsburgh. The scariest thing was that he was going to have to see Brian again. He hadn't spoken to him at all during the trip. He had left three messages and sent one e-mail to let the man know that he was ok. Justin decided that it was time to go in. He knew his mother was excited to see him and couldn't wait to see her himself. He was just trying to let it sink in that he was home. As he walked up to the door he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the loss of his solitude. He had been basically completely on his own since he was in L.A. He knocked, he didn't feel like this was his home. It was almost as if he was a stranger. He wondered if his mother would be able to see the change, he knew that it was substantial. He was a little scared that his friends and family, mainly Brian, wouldn't like the person he had become. A lot of the changes had come with his relationship with Damien, but he didn't want to think about the gorgeous actor from Hollywood. "Honey!" Jennifer Taylor exclaimed when she saw Justin standing on the step. She pulled him into a tight hug. Normally Justin would have felt claustrophobic in the embrace, but now he just felt safe. "Hi, mom." Justin smiled. He saw Molly standing in the hallway behind their mother. She seemed so much older than she had been three months earlier. He started to wonder how much the other people he was excited to be had changed. While he was thinking about how much he had changed, he had forgotten how much his friends may have changed. --- "He's home?" Brian asked when Mikey told him that he had been at his mother's place when Justin dropped by to say hello that afternoon. "Yeah. He got home yesterday. Apparently Mrs. Taylor dominated his time all day yesterday, but today he was getting out and seeing people again." Michael was waiting for a reaction from Brian other than shock, but he was waiting in vain. He had assumed that in the last month Brian had gotten over Justin. He was surprised by Brian's reaction. He had expected Brian to shrug it off, so the shock was a little bit disconcerting. "Do you think he'll come here?" Brian seemed panicked as his eyes darted around the room. "I don't know." Michael wasn't impressed with Brian's reaction. In the three months since Justin left he and Brian had gotten fairly close and Michael was hoping for a relationship. "Hello, gentlemen!" Emmett raised his arms in a flourish as he walked up to the table with his new boyfriend, Tre. At seeing the uncomfortable looks on his friend’s faces, he knew exactly what was wrong. "So, when did he get back?" Brian looked at Emmett, surprised at how well the man knew him. "This afternoon." Michael replied when Brian gave no indication of offering an answer. "He was at Mom's place today." "How is he?" Michael wasn't sure whether he should answer Emmett's questions, considering Brian's reaction to the news. The normally hard hearted ad executive seemed vulnerable. When Michael looked at him for a reaction, he saw Brian waiting just as expectantly for an answer as Emmett was. He took a deep breath and relayed what he had heard Justin tell his mother. "Well, he was all over the country. He made a friend in New York named Maria who he still keeps in touch with. He was in Canada for a while, he said that there's an area in Toronto that looks exactly like Liberty Avenue. He went to California for a few weeks, he didn't say much about it there though. He was all over the place." Michael shrugged. He didn't want Brian to be curious about Justin. He wanted Justin to stay out of their lives. "I can't wait to see him!" Emmett exclaimed. "Is he staying with his mommy dearest?" "Yeah. I think he's going to look for an apartment after Christmas." Michael said. Suddenly Brian stood and walked to the bar to get a drink. "I wonder if those two will kiss and make up." Emmett said with a cute smile. He had always been rooting for the couple ever since the beginning. "Em!" Michael whined. "Justin took off on him, there's no way he'd take him back." Even as he spoke, Michael wasn't sure how much he believed what he was saying. He knew that Brian loved the young man, even though it had nearly killed him to admit it. What he wasn't sure of was Brian's willingness to set himself up to get hurt again. -- Justin looked down Liberty Avenue and nearly climbed back into his car and drove back to his mom's place. Being home was scarier than he had expected. Seeing Debbie in the afternoon had been one of the best things about being home. She hugged him for a good five minutes before they sat down to talk. Seeing Michael hadn't been something that Justin wanted to happen so quickly. Seeing Michael had scared him almost as much as the thought of seeing Brian. He saw the distaste in Michael's eyes when they met his own. He knew that Michael wouldn't be throwing him a welcome home party. "Hey, Justin." One of the guys who had been a regular at the diner said from next to Justin. "Oh, hey Tim." Justin turned and smiled. It was nice to see someone that he knew that wasn't going to make him emotional. "When did you get back?" Tim asked. "Yesterday." Justin said. "It's good to be back." He gestured to Liberty Avenue and all of the familiar faces moving here and there on the street. "Yeah. Pittsburgh. An international destination." Tim said sarcastically. "I heard you were in LA with Damien Bryant." Justin felt his stomach tighten. "Where did you hear that?" He asked quickly. "Some Gay rag." Tim shrugged. "Is he as hot in person as in pictures?" Justin nodded. "I don't know why you would leave that. But to each their own." "Well, I'm going to get going." Justin said. "See you later." Before Justin could walk away Tim grabbed his arm. "He's at Woody's." Tim said. When Justin looked confused he added, "Kinney." Justin nodded and wondered whether to go to Woody's or not. Was he ready to see Brian again after all this time? --- As Brian, Emmett, Michael, and Tre walked from the bar Brian stopped, causing all of them to bump into each other. There he was. Justin. In the long moments of silence it was like time stopped, like the world had frozen in that moment. Justin's first instinct was to turn and walk away, but he stayed. "Hey." He said quietly. "Hey, baby." Emmett walked around Brian and hugged the young man. "We missed you, sweetie." "I missed you too, Em." But Emmett already knew that because he and Justin had been e-mailing each other for most of the time Justin was gone. Emmett knew more about Justin's travels than anyone other than Daphne and Maria. He even knew about what happened with Damien Bryant. "Hey, Michael. Brian." His voice held regret as he said his ex-lover's name. "Hey." Brian's eyes never left the boy. He thought Justin looked too skinny, like he hadn't been eating enough. "How've you been?" Justin asked uncomfortably. He hadn't expected his first meeting with Brian after the time away to be so awkward. "I've been alright." Brian was keeping the answers short so that he didn't betray his real feelings. In truth, he was terrified. "Are you guys heading to Babylon?" Justin asked. "Yeah, is that where you were headed, sweetie?" Emmett asked. "No, I was just walking around. I'm still pretty tired, I think I'm just going to go home." Justin tried to smile. "I'll see you guys around though." He said. He turned to leave but Brian reached out and caught his arm. "I want to talk to you." Brian said roughly. Michael wanted to scream and take Brian's hand off Justin's arm, but stood stiffly, containing his anger. "Ok." Justin said simply. He had been hoping that Brian would want to talk to him because he had a lot to say. "Brian, we were going to go out." Michael whined. Brian turned and shot him a look that told him to shut up. Brian and Justin made their way to the Jeep, leaving Michael staring after them sadly. NEXT |
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| PART 2 I have the cards you sent to me You spoke of trains and Paris galleries This spring you'll draw canals and frescoed walls Look how far your dreaming's gone |