| Pittsburgh - September Brian laid his head down on the table. Everything was wrong, even the way his skin felt, and he had no idea how to make it right. Justin was gone. Only two days ago they had been lying in bed together, content after a bout of lovemaking, whispering, "I love you" before falling asleep. And now, it was all over. Justin had walked out of his life and showed no signs of coming back. What would have been their three-year anniversary, three years since the night they met, was tonight. And they weren't together. There would be no more anniversaries after this. He didn't know how to feel anymore. Everything smelled like Justin, everything reminded him of Justin, he wanted to leave the loft but he knew that anywhere he went would remind him of his lost boy. If he went to the diner he would be waiting for the boy to appear from the kitchen with an apron around his waist and a tray in his hand. If he went to Woody’s he would expect to see Justin appear at his side and whisper something naughty in his ear. And if he went to Babylon he wouldn’t be able to dance with anyone without comparing him to his golden boy. Silence filled the loft and hung like smoke on the air, thick and suffocating. As Brian looked around the loft he saw Justin everywhere. Working on a paper on the computer, watching cartoons and eating cereal out of the box on the couch, in the kitchen cooking up something delicious, in the bedroom getting dressed. And he saw himself with Justin there too. Laying together in the chaise in each other's arms, making love in the bed, curled up on the couch watching a movie, eating together, kissing good-bye at the door. He knew that he couldn't live there anymore, not without Justin. He knew that nothing would ever be the same again… he would never be the same again. The loft key sitting on the table with a short note that said simply "Later. J." was a like a tell tale heart. Beating and beating, reminding him that Justin wasn't coming back. --- Justin looked out the window of the cab as it wove through the streets of Pittsburgh. Nothing felt right, not even his own clothes touching his skin. He wanted more than anything to be with Brian, celebrating their anniversary, but he knew that he couldn't go back. And he knew that nothing would ever be the same. When he had packed the last of his things and left the loft while Brian was at work, he let himself cry as he remembered the times they had spent together. Leaving the loft that last time was the hardest thing he had to do. Before leaving he tried to memorize everything that he could about the place that was his home for almost two years. The way it smelled, the way certain surfaces felt under his touch, every minute detail became imprinted in Justin’s memory. He started to wonder whether he had done the right thing, leaving Pittsburgh and, in extension, Brian. Brian was the one person he loved, the only person he thought he could ever love, but there was something inside him that needed to be found, and that was himself. He needed to find out who he was and what he wanted from life. And he knew he would never find himself while living with Brian. I wonder if I can ever come back, he thought to himself. Something inside him screamed that as soon as he got on that plane, there was no turning back. That once he left Pittsburgh, there was no way he could return to the life he had been leading until yesterday. He still wasn't sure what all the tomorrows ahead of him held, but he was almost certain that they would change his destiny forever. After getting out of the taxi at the airport Justin looked at the Pittsburgh skyline before turning and walking inside, knowing that getting too sentimental about the place where he was born and raised and fell in love with Brian would cause him to throw his plane ticket in the garbage and run back to the loft. "I love you, Brian." He whispered one last time before entering the airport and a new chapter of his life. A single tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly brushed it away. No turning back, he thought to himself. --- Pittsburgh - One Week Later "This is the one, Karen." Brian said as he looked around the spacious house. In the week since Justin left he had been searching, tirelessly, for a house that he could move into right away. The one he was in currently was just put on the market and the people selling it were hoping for a quick sale. "We'll put in an offer," Brian's real estate agent, Karen, replied. "If they accept you can move in as early as this weekend. The couple had to move to Chicago." "Great." Brian wasn't as happy as he tried to sound and no one who knew him well was buying the act. They all knew that Justin Had left town, but none of them, not even Debbie, knew where he had gone. As he got into his Jeep he thought of his decision to keep the loft and just rent it out. He couldn't live there, but couldn't imagine not being able to go there to remember Justin. He had been hoping for at least a phone call to know that the boy was okay, but so far there had been nothing. He was worried and heart broken. The boy who had finally gotten him to open up, to accept love in its purest form, had vanished from his life like some phantom. Upon arriving at the loft, Brian felt the now familiar feeling of fresh pain fill his stomach. The emptiness was too much to take. He got back into the Jeep and drove towards Lindsay and Melanie's house. It didn't surprise him that spending time with his son dulled the pain of losing Justin. Gus was the only person in the world that he loved as much as he loved Justin. "Hi, Brian." Melanie said lightly. She had seen Brian's tear stained cheeks and the puffy red eyes enough in the last week to know that he was hurting and needed the only thing that could dull that pain. She knew that this time drugs and alcohol couldn't help, this time he needed his son. And she accepted that. "Hey, Mel." He smiled when he saw Gus toddle towards him and open his arms. Brian picked his son up into his arms and kissed his cheek. With Justin gone, Gus was his only joy. "I found a house. It's not far from here." "That's wonderful, Brian!" Lindsay said as she came down the stairs. She had known that Brian was looking for somewhere to live and she also knew the reasons why. She hurt for him every time she thought about it. "Yeah, it's great." Brian took Gus into the living room and played with him. It was the only way to make the smile on his face spread to his eyes. It was easy to fake happiness to the people who didn’t know him. Those who knew him, however, were harder to fool. As he left the house, and his son, a couple of hours later he felt the pain come flooding back at him and his chest ached. He replayed the night Justin left in his mind. It had been like a few other nights in their time together, Justin had come home from class to find Brian with a trick. However, unlike the other times, Brian saw pain burning in the boy's eyes. Now, thinking of that night, and everything that had happened because of it, every word that they had spoken screamed in Brian's ears. And regret weighed upon him more than he had ever felt before. ... After the trick was safely out the door, having not even come close to finishing what he and Brian had started, Justin stood staring at Brian, openly hurting. "Am I ever going to get you to myself?" He demanded. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Brian asked in disbelief. He and Justin had been playing by the same rules for almost two years and he didn't understand why it was different now. "I'm fucking tired of sharing you with every hot fag in Pittsburgh. I want to know if there's ever going to be a time when I'm the only one you fuck." Justin continued to stand in place. His stance demanded an answer. "Justin, you know the answer to that already. I've told you. We aren't some straight married couple and we aren't lesbians." Brian felt like they'd had this conversation a hundred times before, but he knew that Justin had never questioned their rules. "If I can't be everything to you, then I choose to be nothing to you. Or maybe I already am." Justin said tightly. He finally moved from the spot where he stood and started throwing things into his bag. "What are you talking about?" Brian demanded. "I'm telling you that it's time for me to go. This isn't enough anymore, Brian." Justin threw more things into the bag and wondered where his sudden need for monogamy was coming from. He wondered if it had been on the back of his mind for longer than he knew, and after seeing Brian, his Brian, with someone else it came out. "Are you giving me an ultimatum?" "No, Brian. I'm just telling you how it's going to be. And seeing as you've expressed exactly how you feel, I'm going to pack my shit and go." Justin zipped the bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Justin, don't go." Brian's voice held regret, something Justin never thought he hear coming from Brian Kinney. "Will you stop fucking around?" Justin held Brian's gaze and refused to let go. When Brian didn't answer, he turned and walked out of the loft. He didn't look back, not once. ... The memory of the last time he saw his lover haunted Brian's thoughts, in the waking hours and in sleep. His dreams brought back that night, and the other times he had hurt Justin, to him. It also brought back the night that Chris Hobbes ruined Justin's perfect day. The memories of the attack made Brian shake right down to his bones. --- New York City... Three Days Later Justin walked into the cafe where he spent every afternoon. The inheritance he had gotten from his grandfather allowed him to travel and see things that he had always dreamed of seeing and he didn't have to work. He decided to spend his inheritance on the trip knowing that this trip would enable him to find out what life held for him. During his afternoons at the café, Justin had made friends with the waitress, Maria. They had even been spending time together outside of the shop. They often went to her mother’s restaurant or to movies, and only a few nights ago they had seen a Broadway show. Having the company helped Justin to keep his mind off the ache he felt now that he was alone out in the world without Brian to protect him. "Afternoon, Justin." Maria said to him. She was close to Justin's age, a struggling photographer. Justin suspected that their mutual love for art was one of the reasons they were such easy friends. "Hey, Ria. How's tips?" Justin asked as he settled into his usual armchair by the window and pulled out one of the books he had just bought at the library. "Same old, same old. Whatcha reading now?" She had seen him in here with a different book every afternoon. "The Bell Jar. By Sylvia Plath." Justin held up the book for her to see. She smiled and nodded approvingly, it being a favorite of hers. "Interesting choice for a young boy. And a little depressing." She said with a smile. She winked as she walked behind the counter to mix him a chai latte, his drink of choice every afternoon. When she brought the mug to him she sat down across from him. "I'm trying to read everything I can get my hands on." Justin admitted. "This book is interesting from what I've read so far." "Man, what did he do to you?" Maria asked. She had seen Justin the first day he walked into the shop, looking tired and alone, and had seen a certain emptiness in him every day since. He chatted with her and smiled, but she never felt like he was completely there. "Maria..." Justin was reluctant to tell her the whole story. "You don't have to tell me, Justin." Maria said softly. "But I want you to know that you can trust me, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here." Justin reached across the table and squeezed Maria's hand. He knew he could trust her and, in truth, he needed someone to talk to. Being away from home, he felt so alone. "Dinner tonight?" Justin suggested, the look in his eyes confirming that he wanted to talk to Maria about what was going on with him. "Yeah. We can go to Mama's." Justin was happy they would be going there. He knew that they would be somewhat alone. "Ok. When is your shift over?" Justin asked. "Two hours." She replied after looking at her watch. "You get into the book and I'll come get you when I'm ready." "And when I need another chai." Justin grinned as she walked away and went back to work. He lost himself in the book, just like he did every afternoon after spending the morning at different museums. When Maria came and sat down with him wearing her sweater and carrying her purse Justin looked up and smiled. "Been two hours already?" "Yup. Let's go." Maria stood as Justin threw his book and his Discman into his backpack and slipped his jean jacket on. As they strolled the few blocks to the restaurant, Maria reached over and took Justin's hand. "So, tell me." "Now?" "I have a feeling it's a long story." She looked over and saw him nod. "You talk and I'll listen. You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to." "If I was straight I'd snatch you up, Ria." Justin leaned over and kissed her cheek. He took a deep breath and began telling her the story of what happened with Brian. "When I was seventeen I went out to Liberty Avenue looking for a guy... And when our eyes met I knew that he was the one I went there looking for..." For the rest of the walk, throughout the meal, and as he walked Maria to her apartment a few blocks away from the restaurant Justin talked about his relationship with Brian. He shared every memory, good and bad, that stood out in his mind from their time together. Once he was finished, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He had been able to hold back the tears at times when he never would have thought he could, but he knew that as soon as he was alone he wouldn't be able to hold it. When he was alone, all bets were off. He usually sat in silence, in stillness, and thought about everything that he had left behind, everything that he had given up in order to take this journey of self discovery. "I'm glad you told me, Justin." Maria said softly. "I feel like I understand why you do the things you do and why you have to find out who you are without him." "You're a good friend, Maria." He hugged her. "I'm going to miss you when I leave next week." "Next week?" Maria's eyebrows shot up. "Yeah. I bought a car and I'm going on a road trip." Justin grinned. He was in love with his car. It was a 1971 MGB Roadster, a cute little convertible. "I can't believe you're leaving already." Maria seemed sad. "I promise I'll email you." He hugged her one more time before saying goodnight and walking back to his hotel. As he walked he thought of all the things that He had shared tonight, things that he had never shared with anyone. Until now many of his memories of Brian were kept in his mind and he wasn't sure why he felt that he could open up to Maria, who he had only known for a short while. As Justin walked into his hotel he decided that it was time to make contact with home again. He knew that he couldn't call Brian, but he wanted to talk to his mother and to Daphne. He walked over to the payphone and used his calling card to dial his mom's phone number. "Taylor residence." She answered. "Hi, mom." Justin smiled at the sound of his mother's voice. He felt a little piece of home crawl into his heart and hold on. "Justin!" Jennifer exclaimed. She hadn't heard from Justin since the night he told her that he was leaving town, and she was relieved to hear from him. "Where are you?" "I'm in New York, mom." Justin couldn't help but smiling. During his time in New York he had felt completely alone other than Maria, and now that he heard his mother voice he knew that he wasn't. "New York!" Jennifer exclaimed. "Are you okay?" "I'm alright, mom. I miss home. I miss Brian. But I'm doing ok. This is something that I need to do." Justin knew that his mother understood more than she cared to admit. She had regrets about getting married so young and missing out on things. "Debbie keeps calling. Everyone is wondering where you are." Jennifer said. "What should I tell her?" "Tell her I'm in New York right now, next week I'm leaving town--" "Where are you going?" "--And that I love her." Justin finished his sentence before answering his mom's question. "I bought a car, a 1971 MGB, like dad used to have, and I'm going on a road trip." "Honey, that isn't a very sensible car for a road trip. Especially with winter coming." Jennifer Taylor was being her usual worrying self. "Don't worry, mom." Justin chuckled. "I'll be fine, and I'll call you every week." Justin chatted with his mother for a few more minutes about what he had been doing and about Maria before saying good-bye. After hanging up, the loneliness crept back inside him and he walked up to his room, forgetting about his intention to call Daphne. He opened his laptop and signed in to his e-mail, wondering if Brian had tried to contact him. Once he was logged in to his e-mail, he saw that he had 5 new messages. One from Lindsay, one from Daphne, one from Emmett, and two junk mails. He decided to open the one from Emmett first. It read: To: JustinSunshine@liberty.net From: FetchEm@liberty.net Subject: You're not in Kansas anymore.... Hi, sweetie! We've been missing you around here. It just isn't the same without you at Woody's and Babylon these days. I'm doing well, same old same old. Ted is still living large as the newest porn king. Lindsay and Melanie are all right; they're worried about you. Gus's birthday party went well, except that Brian didn't show. He's moving into a new house this weekend. He hasn't been around much, so I only know what I've heard. Michael and Ben are still blissful. Hmmm, Deb is on a rampage to find you. She won't even talk to Brian to take his breakfast order. Anyways, sugar, I guess that's all I have to report. I want to hear all about your adventures and I expect a fabulous gift when you get back. Bunches of love... Emmett!! Justin sat still and read the e-mail over. He couldn't believe that Brian had missed his son's birthday party, or that he moved out of the loft. He was tempted to go back downstairs and call Brian, but he knew that he wasn't ready for that. He moved on to the next e-mail. It was from Daphne. It read: To: JustinSunshine@liberty.net From: dchanders@pennstate.com Subject: We miss you! Hey, Justin! Where are you!?! You left without even saying goodbye. I went to the loft the other day and Brian told me that you were gone! Call me ASAP! Daph Justin had suspected that Daphne would be a little cheesed about his failure to inform her of his departure. He made a mental note to call her before he took off on his road trip. He looked at the line in his inbox that held Lindsay's message for a long moment. He wasn't sure if he was ready to read it. He was sure that she would have said something about Brian and wasn't sure if he could handle it. After taking a deep breath he opened the email. It read: To: JustinSunshine@liberty.net From: lindsnmel@pitts.net Subject: Love to you! Hi, Justin! I just wanted to write a little note to see how you are. We're missing you already. Gus has been asking about you. He misses you as much as his daddy does. We're making sure Brian is okay. You should call him, Justin. But I'm not going to preach. We can't wait to hear from you! Love, Linds Short and sweet, Justin thought to himself, but enough to make my heart wrench. Knowing that Brian missed him hurt him more than he could say. He almost wished that Brian didn't miss him, that Brian had gone on with his life already. It would be easier for him to be away with the illusion that Brian didn't care. But Brian did care, and he knew it. No matter what people thought, he knew that Brian loved him, loved him in a way that he had never loved anyone. Justin closed the laptop and crawled into bed. Sleep came slowly. The thoughts and memories of Brian filled him until he thought he would burst. He thought of all the things that he had told Maria and wondered where the emotion with which he spoke had come from. He had been so careful to hold his emotions about Brian inside him until he was alone but, in talking about him, he had set all of those emotions free. When sleep finally came, it was not restful. --- Pittsburgh - Moving Day "Shit!" Michael groaned as he and Brian tried to force his king sized mattress up the stairs of the new house. "Why couldn't you buy a nice little bungalow?" He moaned. "Shut up and push!" Brian, who was feeling his arms tire as well, spat. "FUCK!" Michael exclaimed as they finally got the bed to the top of the stairs. "Do we have to take it in the bedroom now too?" "Duh!" Brian grumbled as he and Michael maneuvered the mattress into the bedroom and laid it down on the platform. "Finally. I have a bed here." He looked around and decided that he liked his big lofty bedroom and would enjoy living there. It was then that he realized that he hadn't had a trick since the night Justin left. It had been two weeks and he hadn't even noticed. "Let's go find everybody else." Michael said as he wiped the sweat from his brow. "Mom brought food." The two made their way downstairs and towards the voices coming from the kitchen. They saw what appeared to be a huddle around the kitchen island. Brian grabbed Michael's arm and stopped him when he heard Debbie speak. "Jenn said he's in New York, but he's leaving next week to travel around the country. She doesn't know when he'll be home. But she did say that he made a new friend." Debbie explained. "Time to go everyone." Brian said sharply. At seeing everyone's faces he turned and walked out of the room with a quick "Get the fuck out!" over his shoulder. As he walked upstairs he felt the familiar emptiness in his stomach and pressure on his chest. He went into his bedroom and started unpacking the linens and putting clean sheets on his bed. "What crawled up your ass?" Debbie demanded from behind him. "Didn't I tell you to get out?" Brian asked without looking around. He didn't know why his reaction had surprised his friends so much. His behavior was nothing new. "We helped you out and I took the time to make a meal for all of us, now you're going to get your ass downstairs and be gracious." Debbie demanded in the way that only she could. "Keeping the fucking Justin gossip out of my house." Brian said as he smoothed the fitted sheet on the mattress. "I don't want to hear it." "Maybe you should hear it. We all know how much you miss him. You've been a fucking basket case since he left. We all knew that you loved him. You don't have to hide it, Brian." Debbie's voice softened in the last two sentences. "He's gone, so what? I knew he was going to leave one day." Brian tried his hardest to sound non-chalant and still couldn't fool Debbie. "Don't pretend that you don't care, Brian. It's no good for you." Debbie walked up to him and touched his shoulder. "You'll never get over it that way." "Why can't you just let me get over it my own way?" Brian's voice cracked betraying his facade. "Because we care about you, kid." She turned him and hugged him. Brian surprised himself, and Debbie, when he wrapped his arms around her and held on for dear life. Once they let go of each other, Debbie touched his cheek. "Now come downstairs and have some of my famous pasta." Brian smiled and followed her downstairs. He often wondered how Justin was making it on his own. He knew that he couldn't do it without the people in his life. His time with Gus was the only time he felt the emptiness go away. By confiding in Lindsay he let the emotions that he would normally have held inside out. And Michael and Debbie, as always, were there to comfort him and call him on his bullshit. Justin had no one. He was out there, traveling Brian now knew, and he was all alone. Except for his new friend, Brian thought to himself bitterly. --- New York City - A few days later "Hey, Ria." Justin said from behind his friend as she poured an espresso for someone. "Hey, Justin." Maria's smile faded. The look on Justin's voice told her that he was coming to say good-bye, that today was his last in New York. "So, I guess you're moving on." "Yup. I'm going to Boston." Justin smiled. "Who knows what I'll find there." The truth was, the leaving was starting to get to him. He knew that he was going to be alone for a while, probably a couple of months, and it scared him to death. "I'm going to miss you, Justin." Maria hugged Justin close. She was almost crying, not just because she was going to miss him, but because she didn't like the idea of him spending so much time alone with only his memories of Brian to keep him warm at night. "I'm gunna miss you too, Ria." Justin squeezed her one more time before pulling out of the embrace. "I'd better get going. I have a lot of driving ahead of me." "Be safe, Justin." Maria blew him a kiss as he walked backwards towards the door, a smile on his face. Once he was out of the cafe, the door closed, she prayed for him. She prayed that he found whatever it was that he was looking for. Justin climbed into his car and started to drive. His smile faded as the New York City skyline faded into the distance. Now reality set it, he really was alone. He popped a tape into the tape player and started to quietly sing along as the road flew by. "Someone I am is waiting for courage. The one I want, the one I will become will catch me. So let me fall if I must fall..." --- Pittsburgh Brian sat alone in his house. The silence was something that he had grown accustomed to. Without Justin, all that surrounded him was silence. Michael had told him earlier that day that Justin had called Jenn the night before and told her that he was leaving New York. She told Debbie that she wasn't sure where he was going. "All we know is that he isn't coming home." Brian whispered to himself and closed his eyes. All is silent now that you are gone.... NEXT |
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| PART 1 I know you're gone I watched you leave I always thought That it was me You made it clear With that last kiss You couldn't live a life With maybes and whatifs |