By HK
To say goodbye
When you’re your heart don’t have the heart to say
To say goodbye
Warning: Angst… this was a seriously painful fic for me to write and I cried writing most of the end… Be warned….
Watching him lying there, looking so peaceful, I wondered if what I was feeling was what he felt when he watched me after the bashing. He still didn’t know that I knew he was here every night. I ran into one of the night nurses one day a couple of months after Brian and I broke up and she told me about the good looking man who watched me sleep every night. When she described him, I knew she was talking about Brian.
To say the least, I was surprised. I really believed him when he told me that he didn’t come see me because there was nothing he could do. I think he actually believed that, but that wasn’t why he didn’t come during the day… It was because he came at night.
I know that now.
I know that because I felt it when I stood outside his hospital room in the wee hours of the night when I knew that no one else would be there. Sometimes I still wasn’t ready to leave as the sun rose, needing to be near him for just a little longer. Those times, I would wait around the corner, watch Michael come see him every morning, leaving with a sad, worried look on his face.
Emmett had been calling me a lot since the accident, giving me progress reports, telling me that it might help if I visited. When he first woke up, Emmett left a message telling me that he had come out of the coma, but wasn’t out of the woods yet, but already knew all that. I was there when he woke up. I watched through the glass as his eyes fluttered open and he looked around in confusion. I watched the nurse rush in to check on him. And I rushed out, needing desperately to not be seen.
It was difficult for me to watch him struggle for his life. Brian Kinney always seemed larger than life and facing his mortality was difficult for me. It was weird, during our relationship there were very few times that I really worried about him like that. It never occurred to me that he could be hurt. Even when I was scared about the kid in the dumpster getting murdered, it never occurred to me that it could have been Brian. Not really anyways.
When Emmett called to tell me about the accident, I couldn’t believe it. After I hung up the phone I sat, stunned, for over an hour before it really hit me. And that was when I broke down. No matter what had happened between us, I would always love him and the thought that I could lose him made me want to curl up and die too.
Brian had been walking out to his Jeep one night after work. He and Cynthia had been working late and they’d had to move their cars onto the street so that the parking attendant could go home. After walking his assistant to her car, Brian crossed the street to make his way to his own Jeep. He was almost there when someone swerved to avoid hitting a stray dog. They crashed right into him, pinning him to the Jeep. The doctors said it was lucky that the small car hadn’t been going any faster or Brian would have been killed on the spot. As it was he had sustained several life threatening internal injuries and a number of other non-life threatening injuries.
So after six weeks I was still there every night, watching him recover slowly. The nurse on duty told me that he was in much better shape and the doctors were sure that he was going to make a very good, if somewhat slow, recovery. Through the glass he looks so peaceful. The nurse told me that I could go in and see him if I wanted, but I wasn’t ready for that. I was afraid to be that close to him. Afraid that all those feelings that I still harbored, but had learned to ignore, would come back with a vengeance.
I wasn’t aware, but that particular night would be different than all the others. I wouldn’t stand on the outside all night, watching him, wishing that I would have told him certain things, wondering if it would have been different had I never left him. No, that night was going to change everything.
When I got to the hospital, around 2am, I felt like something was wrong so I hurried upstairs to his room. When I turned down the corridor where his room was located, I was shocked to find everyone there. Michael was wrapped in Ben’s arms, his shoulders heaving as he cried. Lindsay was sitting down, her face cradled in her hands, Mel’s arm wrapped protectively around her. Ted and Emmett were also there, holding hands, looks of worry and sadness on their faces. I could see Debbie and Vic at the end of the corridor and it was obvious that she was crying to.
No.
It couldn’t be.
He couldn’t be… I couldn’t even think the word. I hurried up to all my friends, all thoughts of hiding my visit lost. Emmett saw me approach and he dropped Ted’s hand and made his way towards me.
“Em…?” I didn’t know what I wanted to ask him, so I just hoped that he would tell me what I needed so badly to know.
“Oh honey… I should have called you, but it all happened so fast…” Emmett reached out and took my hand.
“Is he…?” I asked, biting back the tears. When Emmett shook his head, I breathed a sigh of relief, but waited for an explanation.
“There were some complications that the doctors didn’t anticipate. The doctors told Michael and Debbie that sometime this afternoon his vitals started going all over the place and nothing would level them out. They aren’t sure he’ll make it through the night.” As the words fell from his lips, I felt like I was spinning as the world crumbled apart around me. How could this be? I was there the previous night and the nurse told me that everything was normal.
Several hours passed and the doctors had nothing new to tell us. As the sun began to peak over the horizon, a young doctor came out to us looking grave. We all looked at him fearing what he had to tell us.
“One by one you can go in there.” And say goodbye. We all knew what the doctor was telling us. There was no hope. And I think we all lost a part of ourselves at that moment.
Michael went first. It seemed appropriate. He was the one that had known Brian the longest and we all knew that he was dying inside at the thought of losing his best and oldest friend. He was in there for what seemed like forever to me. Perhaps it was because I was terrified that he would go before I got my turn to say good-bye to him, before I could tell him all the things that I had been hiding inside for months.
Lindsay went next and she was in there for a long time too. I knew that she was saying goodbye for Gus too. They had left him with the neighbor, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to take care of him in the situation they were in. I wondered to myself what it would be like for Gus, whether he would remember his Daddy, whether he would ever know what an amazing man his father was.
Ted, Emmett, Melanie, Ben, and Vic went one after the other. They all said their good-byes quickly, but exited the room with tears on their cheeks. I couldn’t help but wonder what Brian would think about all the tears that were being shed for him. I smiled a little when I heard his voice in my head saying, “Stop crying and start planning my wake. I want it to be an all out party.”
“Sunshine?” My thoughts were interrupted when I heard Debbie beside me. “Would you like to go?”
“You go ahead, Deb.” I said, my voice hoarse. She took my hand and squeezed it, tears brimming in her eyes, before walking towards his room. She looked back at us sadly as she entered his room.
Everyone was silent now, coming to terms with the fact that Brian was leaving for good. It was easy to pretend that it would be easier without Brian leading the crowd, but we all knew that life would never be the same without Brian. Even when he was being a complete asshole, there was something about him that just made life feel better.
When Debbie came out of the room, she immediately fell into her son’s arms and they led her to the end of the corridor so she could really let her emotions out. I stood, knowing that it was my turn, I was the only one who hadn’t been in to see him, and that I might not have much time.
Entering the room, I noticed that he looked different than he had on all my previous visits. He looked smaller, weaker, and it was hard to even recognize him as Brian Kinney. The Brian Kinney I wanted to remember was the strong one, the no regrets one, the one who loved me even if he never said the words. I didn’t want to remember him this clutching to life by a thread. No, I wanted to remember the Brian Kinney who lived every day, the one who knew that there was a difference between just living and really being alive. Brian knew. He was really alive.
“Hey, Bri.” I said quietly, sitting beside him on the bed. I took his hand in mine and I felt my heart clench at the thought that this would be the last time I would touch him. “You gotta get up now, because I’m not ready for you to go. Let’s just go to Woody’s and get a beer, alright?”
I was all out sobbing at the point and I had to take several long moments to calm myself. I wanted so badly to look into his eyes just one more time. I would never forget them, and I could draw them a thousand times, but I wanted just one more look into them. Realizing that I wasn’t going to get that look, I gasped and began crying again.
“I know that our relationship didn’t work, but I have to admit that I always sort of hoped that fate would bring us back together at some point when we were both ready for it. I guess fate doesn’t like me very much because it’s about to take you away from me forever.” I took a deep breath, wanting my next words to come out just right. “I hope you can hear me, I really hope you’re listening, because I don’t want you to…” I couldn’t say the word. “I don’t want you to go without knowing that I love you.
“I’m pretty sure I loved you the first time I saw you. And I fell more and more in love with you with every day that followed. Being without you these last few months has been awful, but I had no idea how to come back to you. I want you to know that I was here every night that you’ve been here, I watched from the door just like you did when I was laying in a bed just like this one.” I squeezed his hand and closed my eyes.
“Don’t forget me, ok?” I leaned down and kissed his lips. When I pulled away, I placed his hand back on his thigh and walked to the door. “Later.” I said quietly as I pulled the door open. Once I was in the hall I let the tears flow turning my face to the wall and resting my head there. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned, embracing Michael and holding on for dear life.
“I know, Justin. I know.” He said gently. I think at that moment we finally understood each other; we finally understood the depth of the other’s feelings for the man we were about to lose.
We waited, taking turns going for coffee and taking cigarette breaks, for hours. The doctors had nothing to say to us and we didn’t ask. None of us wanted to leave. No one said it, but I think we all felt like we needed everyone there to make it through what was coming.
Three hours after I said my good-bye, the doctor came out into the hall and we all braced ourselves. It was time. “He stabilized.” The doctor said. “It started soon after you all went in there. His vitals started to stabilize and they’ve been normal for over an hour. It looks like he’s going to pull through.”
We all sat in shock, having mostly come to terms with what we were about to lose. It was hard to believe that Brian was going to make it. None of us moved or spoke for several minutes, we just stared at each other trying to figure out whether we should cry or laugh. In the end, most of us chose both. We laughed about how only Brian would come so close to death that we would all be waited for it and then come back like some miracle.
***
Emmett called me three days after the night at the hospital when we thought we were going to lose Brian. I hadn’t been there since. He told me that Brian was asking for me and that I should come down there. I almost wanted to say no. I was terrified at the depth of my feelings for him and I didn’t want to break down in front of him.
In the end, I got dressed, tried to put on a happy face, and made my way to the hospital. I stood outside his hospital room for several minutes before I had the courage to walk in. His eyes were closed and I turned to walk out, not wanting to interrupt his sleep.
“You came.” His words were barely audible. I think I heard them more in my heart than in my ears. When I turned back and looked at him, he was looking at me. I looked into his eyes for a long moment, realizing that I was getting to see them again.
“Hey.” I said quietly, not making any move towards the bed.
“I’m not contagious, you know.” He said, joking. I felt myself smile as I walked towards his bed. He reached out his hand to me and I took it. “I’m glad you came.” He said looking directly into my eyes.
“I’m glad I that you’re here for me to come to.” I said returning his stare. It was like that was enough for us, we were both going to be all right.
The End
Note: I wrote this for Tate… he and I made a deal… he wrote me romance, I wrote him near death… When I started writing this, I didn’t expect it to be like this… But thinking about all those people waiting for someone they loved to die took me back to my own experience and in the end I guess I put down more memories than fiction… The circumstances were just a little different here… This story is dedicated to my Grandfather…
I have one thing to ask of anyone who wants to offer feedback… If you like it, I’d love for you to tell me… but if you don’t, please don’t shit on my memories…keep it to yourself….