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Special Report: Severus Snape called "Ugly Git" by Marauder's Map, Students "He's a huge prig," says source.
By Matadora Lump
HOGWARTS - Professor Severus Snape of Hogwarts W&W was slandered Monday by a piece of parchment enchanted into sentience, say reliable Hogwarts informants.
The parchment, which belonged to the famous Harry Potter, is rumored to have insulted the Professor in various ways, ranging from the size of his nose to his habits of personal hygiene.
“It advised him to “wash his hair, the slimeball,” says a chuckling, slightly wolfish source who preferred to remain anonymous. “And it wondered how an idiot like that ever became a professor. That was pretty classic. And true, too. He’s a huge stupid prig. Everyone thinks so.”
This seems to be the consensus at Hogwarts these days. “Oh, he’s awful,” said one buck-toothed frizzy haired source that also preferred to remain anonymous. “He’s a terrible tyrant in the classroom, picking on people, insulting people’s teeth - he’s even mean to certain students who understand the concepts and try really hard and get all the answers right! I mean, what is that? That’s unfairness and discrimination, that’s what it is.”
“He t-t-tried to k-kill my toad,” says one shy, stuttering student, who appeared to be emotionally scarred by his experience with the loathed Professor. “He was g-going to p-p-poison him with a potion I made. A potion I screwed up, I mean. Thought it would teach me a lesson. He’s just...he’s just so mean!” said the anonymous source, who burst into tears. The instructor is especially wrathful towards the famous Harry Potter. "Oh, he hates him,” says Parvati Patil, a Gryffindor in Harry’s year. “The way Snape looks at Harry is really just, like, frightening. He looks like he wants to rip his head off and eat his brains.”
Potter himself declined to be interviewed for apparent fear for his marks and life, but rumor has it dislikes Snape just as much as Snape dislikes him, perhaps even more so.
“Harry’s going to be a powerful wizard some day,” say a mischievous pair of red headed sources. “Powerful enough, we hope, to turn Snape into a mutant freak waterfowl.”
“Or a big chunk of that smelly german cheese.”
Sources have said that this animosity may stem from a prank Potter’s father James may or may not have played on Snape in in their Hogwarts days.
“If that’s what it was, he really needs to bloody get over it,” says a Hogwarts student who also chose to remain anonymous. ‘What a big fat baby.”
Despite Patil’s allegation, professor Snape seems to have participated in very little brain-eating in his career at Hogwarts. “He’s been ‘ere a while. A right git he is, Snape, always favorin’ the Slytherins summat, but y’ gotta admit, he does challenge the students summat. Treacle fudge?” says Hagrid, the groundkeeper at Hogwarts.
When asked whether it was indeed true that Snape allowed the students in his house to “get away with all kinds of stuff”, Hagrid stated, “Oh, I dunna know about that, but that’s what I’ve heard. But he keeps ‘em in line right enough.”
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore smiles serenely at these allegations as he emits an aura of deep trust and absolute love. “Ah, that’s just Severus’s way,” he says soothingly.
When asked why he keeps such a widely despised Professor on staff, he states, “Hogwarts students are taught to deal with many challenges in life. Professor Snape’s teaching methods, however unorthodox, provide the students with important life lessons.” Dumbledore smiles kindly and one just can’t help but believe him, despite rumors that he may be evil. These rumors are attributed to a certain “look of triumph” he displayed recently at the mention of the rebirth of You-Know-Who.
A certain You-Know-Who who, sources say, has it out for Professor Snape. “Oh, he’s a dead man for sure. And good riddance,” says Mr. Lucius Malfoy. “I’m sure The Dark Lord will gladly sip ginger ale through the rotting intestines of that sniveling, back stabbing traitor. Not that I’m in league with You -Know-Who, I’d never dream of it.”
Malfoy was seen pocketing a shriveled head a moment later.
Malfoy’s son Draco has a different opinion. “I think Snape is the best teacher at this school!” he declared Tuesday. “By far! He should be headmaster, not that Muggle loving geriatric Santa Claus we have now. Look at this “Potter Stinks” button, isn’t it funny?”
Snape’s colleague Professor Minerva McGonagall, deputy headmaster, never speaks ill of her coworkers. However she states, ‘Severus may be abrasive at times, but I know from experience he is a good man. As much as I hate to admit it, he does a lot more for this school than most give him credit for. And he’s remarkably intelligent.” She adjusts her brooch. “Frankly I don’t know what this school would be without him. A little more peaceful perhaps, but not nearly as...colorful.”
Not everyone thinks so. “The guy can’t referee Quidditch for anything,” says the school gym teacher, Madam Hooch. “He gives penalties for no reason! Damnedest thing.”
“’E ees ugly,” says Fluer Delacour, Beaubaxtons student and former Triwizard Champion. “”E ees a very ugly man.”
What does Professor Snape himself have to say about these numerous allegations concerning his character? He refused to be interviewed but sent an owl to the Pumpkin Press, stating: “I know of the slanderous rumors that circulate about me, I’m neither blind nor deaf, as most of the simpering, dunderheaded students here seem to think. I’m simply a man doing my job, and I would appreciate it greatly if you revolting tabloid carrion allowed me to live out the rest of my days in some form of misery-tainted peace.”
The letter was checked for anthrax and was found to contain none.
It seems Rosmerta, the hostess at the popular Leaky Cauldron pub, may have the last word on Severus Snape. “The guy comes in here, right, orders three rounds of mulled mead, and leaves a five percent tip. You believe that?”
She shakes her head. “What a git.”