"Oh, god yes. I told you it was remarkable stuff. There's a huge demand for Silk Jammies."

"You've named it 'Silk Jammies'?"

"Yes."

"What the hell kind of name is that?"

"One indicative of the sensation it evokes, my friend."

Severus picked up his pack of Devil's Owns, watching for a moment as the sexy mascot Eva Baker writhed around a pole in a fetching devil outfit topped by a glittering pillbox hat. He lit a cigarette, cocking his his head. "Really?"

"Mmhmm. It has all the usual effect of metamorphine but causes a wonderful silken feeling on the skin. Marvelous. You haven't sampled your own work? That's a shame."

"No, I don't have eight or nine hours to spend morphed. To have your carefree life, Lucius," He said with a sting and took another sip of tea. "A silken feeling on the skin. That's odd, I didn't formulate it that way."

"Isn't that wench helping you now?"

"That *wench*?"

"Your lab wench, you know, what's her name...Alyssa?"

"Myra. Myra Psue." Severus said dryly. "She's not a wench."

"They're all wenches."

"Right," Severus said slowly. "I don't see what she would have to do with it. She wouldn't change the formula without my authorization."

"A happy accident then?"

"Maybe. I'll have to look into it."

Lucius raised his cup. "Here's to a happy accident, and hopefully more to come."

"Hmph. Human error can kill."

"I just gave you two hundred thirty seven galleons, really, must you be so insufferably glum?"

"Give me a reason not to be."

Lucius grinned. 'Stop by my office at half past three and peer through the door again, and you'll have your reason."

Severus flushed. " Bloody drop it, okay?"

Lucius made a dismissive gesture with his hand and there was a brief silence.

"Half past three?" Severus asked quietly. "Is that an every day type arrangement, or...?"

Lucius roared. "Shall we make room for one more then?"

Severus was bright, beet red. "No, no! I'm not going to..I mean, I have no intention of... dammit, Lucius, it was just a question!"

Lucius shook his head, laughing silently. "Yes, I'm sure."

"It was!"

"I'll the door open a bit wider. Just a bit. Just for you."

"*Lucius*!"

"You nancy little fairy."

Severus slammed his cup down on the table and stood. "I'll be going now, you giddy little shit."

Lucius stood, laughing. "No no no! Severus, I was just teasing you a bit, come now, sit down. Have some more tea. We'll talk of happy things that don't involve The Dreadful Homosexuality." He poured Severus a cup of tea, plunking in a single sugarcube. "Like Potter, for example."

Severus moaned. "Why in God's name?"

"I just thought you might like to know that James and Lily are soon to be wed."

"Shocking," Severus said, flat. "They deserve each other, those two."

"What was it you used to call them? Shit: perfumed?"

"I believe the whole phrase was 'typical Gryffindor perfumed shit."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "I've heard rumors that you were hopelessly in love with Lily, and that's the *real* reason you hated James so, and why you will continue to hate him and his bespectacled progeny until the day you die."

Severus looked appalled. "Where in the world did you hear *that*?"

Lucius shrugged. "Oh, from the piddling legion of teenage girls obsessed with your life story."

"You don't say? Where are they? I have to take advantage of them."

"They're fictional. What teenage girl in her right mind would be obsessed with *you*?"

"Plenty, I'm sure!" Severus huffed.

Lucius laughed. "Oh, you said it, not I."

His dark companion grumbled.

"Hm...makes me think of old times," Lucius said, stroking his chin like an old man. "You and I, Rosier and Wilkes, terrorizing Potter and his band of Gryffindor gits."

"Sod Potter," Severus spat. "He terrorized *us*"

"Hm," Lucius smiled. "And to think, what all that animosity stems from," he said softly, making a beak from his thumb and fingers.

"Right, Sevvie-loo?" the hand snickered.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, circa 1972.

A mindblowingly stunning blonde thirteen year old boy led a group of not-quite-as-stunning thirteen year old boys through the secret pathways between shops in Knockturn alley. They were trying to lay low, as they were not allowed in Knockturn Alley. No part of them was allowed in Knockturn alley.

"Come on, come on," Lucius urged. They were on the moldy wooden front steps of a store that sold something spicy and rotten-smelling. Lucius put his hand on the doorjamb, slid it down to a smooth notch in the wood, and disappeared.

Severus, Rosier, and Wilkes glanced at each other, hesitating.

Before any one of them could say anything Lucius reappeared before them.

"It's a *portkey*, you dense fuckheads," he said.

The portkey took them to the alley in the back of the shop, dirty and swarming with flies, where the smell was even stronger. Severus's eyes watered. He coughed.

At thirteen years old he was silly looking, with hands and feet too big for his body. In a year or so he was scheduled to begin a massive, painful growth spurt in which he would grow into a six foot six batlike stalk, but for now he was round, pudgy even, with darting obsidian eyes and greasy hair that brushed his jaw. He was shy, clumsy and had a habit of chewing his bottom lip.

Lucius shook his hair out of his eyes. "You'd think you silly fags've never seen a portkey before. Come on, it's this way."

"I'm no fag!" protested Rosier, who really wasn't.

"Where's we goin' again?" Wilkes asked. He was a rather thick young man with a harsh case of rosacea that made him appear perpetually drunk, which was a good indicator of times to come.

Lucius rolled his eyes. 'To see the *naked people*, Wilkes." He said "Wilkes" as though it were an insult. "Come on."

Severus didn't say anything. He was the quiet one of the group, and smart enough to know not to cross Lucius lest you be insulted to your wits end. Lucius was their leader. Severus never really wondered why, it was just the way it was. Besides, being part of Lucius's gang meant he wasn't their victim. Often.

He didn't much care about the supposed naked people, he was mildly curious at best - he was more interested in these secret ins and outs of the Alley. Severus has not spent much time in Diagon or Knockturn alley as a child - after his father died and his mother had taken her own life, he had been moving around a lot, handed from family member to family member like a side of beef, a white elephant gift no one knew what to do with. His parents' savings were left in his name and some uncle had arranged for him to attend Hogwarts. Lucius Malfoy had taken an interest in him due to his talent for curses, which Severus had begun to teach himself at eight years of age for the purposes of self defense. The mere cursory knowledge had rapidly accelerated into a full blown obsession, and Severus had tried to visit Knockturn Alley as much as he could. He had lived too far from it for most of his life, however, and relished this opportunity to immerse himself in its dark, crawly little corners.

Lucius, however, was awfully excited about the naked people. "They dance," he said, "they take off their clothes and dance around with knives and torches. But that's just during the day, I hear at night they dance with knives and torches too, but they *do* things to each other."

"Like what?" Wilkes asked.

"Like play with each other's privates!" Lucius said, sparkling.

Severus was alarmed. "They play with *each other's* privates?"

"Yeah!"

"They shouldn't be doing that," he said seriously. "It makes you go blind."

"No no no, it only makes you go blind if you do it to yourself, not if other people do it to you," Lucius said. "I can see just fine."

"No! Stop! You'll go blind!" Rosier said into to grate, after which Lucius hit him in the arm and hissed at him to keep quiet. The view from the grate, actually a ventilation shaft, allowed the boys to look down onto a stage where nude dancers writhed. Severus had lost interest in the spectacle after about fifteen minutes or so. At first it seemed exciting and forbidden, all the nudity, the way the woman's breasts jiggled, but after a while it was just a naked man and woman twirling about throwing knives at each other. Which, admittedly, was pretty cool, but grew boring - he had seen more skilled knife throwers. And for some reason, the man, so comfortable in his nakedness, frightened Severus - and now if he was doing that thing that would eventually lead to blindness...he just didn't want to see it.

He was looking through the windows into the back room of a shop next door, inside which, on a desk, lay an open potions book. It was turned to a page of a potion that Severus wanted to learn to make but was unable to find references for. It was his misfortune that the window was dappled glass, rendering all but the name of the potion unreadable. Was the door unlocked? No...a clearing charm, perhaps? Or maybe a Smoothing Charm. Would that work on glass? Would it be too loud? Maybe-

"I can't believe you're missing this!" Wilkes said. 'Get over here!"

"Yeah yeah, in a minute," Severus replied, squinting. His foot hit something. He looked down, and peering up at him was one golden eye and a row of very sharp teeth. He yelped and jumped back, tripped, and fell. In a split second he had his wand out and was pointing it at the offending creature.

It stared at him, eye unblinking, fearsome jaw open in a permanent "Nyaaaaaaaaah". It didn't move. Severus crawled to it carefully, poking it with the end of his wand. He realized upon closer inspection that it was just a head, and that of a lizard of some kind, with a gleaming, glasslike eye. It was about the size of a bludger, a little smaller, with a row of horns sticking out of its forehead and running down the back.. He tapped it again and there was a hollow sound - had someone taken the time to clean it before throwing it back here?- he flipped it over. One eye was missing, leaving a smooth and hollow black socket. He poked it with the tip of his wand, suprised at the absence of a squishy mush.

He hit it with his wand. *pop pop*.

He realized all at once that it was fake, made of heavy rubber. A toy. He picked it up, examining it. It was startlingly realistic, completely with a glass eye, plastic teeth and horns. The only thing that gave it away was the empty black socket and the hole in the neck.

"Oh hey," he said quietly, "it's a puppet." He put his hand in the hole and felt his thumb and forefingers slip into the jaws, fingertips against velvet, perfect, as though it were made for him.

The jaws moved. "Nyaaah nyah," Severus said, and laughed. "Raar." One of the teeth threatened to fall out - he pushed it back in with his thumb. "This is so cool. I can't believe someone left you out here."

"Me neither," the puppet "said", in a low, southern sounding voice Severus was suprised to hear coming out of his own mouth. He smiled and turned to his friends, still attached to the grate. "Hey you guys, " he said. "You guys, look at this thing I found."

"Shhhh! Either watch or be quiet!" Lucius said.

Severus shrugged and looked back at the puppet.

"This is so *cool*."

"Just what in the hell is that thing?" Rosier said.

"It's a really cool dinosaur puppet! Look!"

"You missed the naked people for *that*? God, what are you, twelve?" Lucius said, rolling his eyes.

"No no, look!" He thrust the puppet at Lucius. "Look how great it is! It's made out of this heavy stuff and has velvet on the inside and the horns and the teeth! Look at the eye, I think it's tiger's eye glass! Can you believe someone just left this out here?" He aimed the puppet at Lucius and said, in the accent of an old southern african american man, "You are a muthafuckah."

Lucius burst into laughter. "Why does he talk like that?"

Severus shrugged. "It's his voice."

Lucius folded his young smooth brow, regarding Severus carefully. After a moment's consideration he gave a single nod. "Okay. I knew you were a little strange when I got you."

Rosier reached for the puppet. "Lemme see it."

"Hands off muthafuckah!" the puppet barked. Rosier jumped back. Severus had never snapped at him before. "Das right. You don't be messin' wid Jackson."

"Ok, ok, I won't mess with it," Rosier said. "Calm down, Snape."

"Raar," Severus replied, laughing. "This thing is so cool."

"Come on Jackson, we have to get back to Diagon Alley, the mortals are probably waiting for us," Lucius said. He turned and led them back to portkey behind the smelly shop, Severus hopping along, straightening Jackson's teeth, petting his head.

"He's missing an eye," Severus said quietly. "He lost it fighting aurors. Aurorsaurs."

Wilkes frowned, watching him. "I want a puppet," he mumbled.

Lucius, Severus, Rosier and Wilkes all sat together for dinner as they did every night, next to the wannabes and across from the popular girls, the leaders of which were named named Rinata, Sybil, and Deploria. They were there for Lucius; they never so much as looked at the others. Until now.

Jackson suddenly made an appearance from underneath the table. "Pass the mushrooms, ladies," he said smoothly.

They blinked like startled deer.

"Come on now, ladies. Jackson likes 'em."

Their expressions moved from bafflement, then a crack of a smile, then a full smile, then laughter. "What's with the puppet, Snape?" Rinata asked.

"My god, that is so cute!" Sybil said. Severus liked Sybil. She had pretty hair and she was one of the only girls who was nice to him. When she became older and grew a pair of ample breasts, he often scammed her for hugs - she was so friendly that all he had to do was open his arms and say 'Sybill!" as though he's never been happier to see anyone. This had stopped when he had cupped one in his hand in a very, very badly executed attempt to cop a feel undetected, after which he received his first 'I like you as a friend" speech. Soft, warm Sybill hugs were few and far between after that.

Deploria looked rather puzzled. She was only popular because she was beautiful and mean. "Where did that come from? Was that Severus? Doing that voice?"

Severus smiled and nodded. "Das right, woman."

"That's weird! It doesn't even sound like you! How do you do that?"

"It's his voice."

Rinata laughed, trying to speak in a baritone. "Das right, woman. Das right woman. I can't do it. You gotta teach me how to do it."

"Oh, you just kind of close your throat and-"

"Where did you get him?" Sybil squealed, reaching for Jackson. "Lemme see him."

Severus let Sybil have the puppet. "Aww, look at him," she said. "He's all beaten up. He needs an eyepatch, can I make him an eyepatch?"

Severus's face lit up. "Yeah! That would be cool."

"Hey, have any of you seen my new boots?' Lucius asked. 'They're really coo-"

"What do you want on the eyepatch?" Sybil could draw.

"A skull," Severus said immediately.

"Ok good, I'm good at skulls. I drew, like, this really cool monkey skull on my parchment this morning. It was cool."

"Yeah, it was totally cool," Deploria said.

"Garra grraar graar-gar!" Sybill made Jackson say.

"That's pretty good," Severus replied.

"Seriously, look at my boots! These are really expensive boots!"

"Yeah, I saw them they're great, Lucius," Deploria said dismissevly. "Severus, do the voice again." She took the puppet from Sybil and handed it to him.

"What do you want him to say?"

"Oh, anything," Deploria said. They girls leaned forward, waiting. Severus felt a twinge of excitement seeing the sparkling anticipation in their eyes. Three girls who had barely noticed his existence prior to Jackson were now hanging on his every word. As he cleared his throat and raised the puppet, he realized what he had on his hand was not just a toy. It was power.

It was a near riot in the Slytherin common room after dinner. Or at least it was in Severus's heart. He sat on the floor with the other second and first years crowded around him. He had never had so much attention in his life.

"Fuck ya'll muthafukahs!" Jackson yelled. The kids shrieked with laughter. "Ya'll be wanting a piece a me? Huh? You wanna mess wid Jackson?"

Lucius was curled in an armchair in the back of the room, scowling like a bitter angel.

"What do I always say?"

"You don't be messin wit Jackson!" they cried in unison.

"Das RIGHT! Step back, watch yo'self!" Severus did the closest approximation of a funk dance while sitting cross legged on the floor with a puppet.

The children howled. Severus was flushed, alive. His eyes sparkled.

"GO TO BED!" came a sudden roar from the entrance. It was Professor Hannah Phillips, the head of their house. She was tall and frazzled, with the hoarse voice of a woman who'd smoked her whole life. "And Mr. Snape, if I ever hear language like that coming out of your mouth nothing else will because I'll slit your throat, understand?"

The younger students quickly rushed to their dorms, afraid of her. A couple of seventh years hung around, trying to look nonchalant.

She sighed. "You guys have any more weed?"

They nodded.

"My office, fifteen minutes. And keep it down this time."

Lucius was exasperated. "Don't tell me you're going to sleep with it!"

"I'm not sleeping with him. He's just hanging out on the pillow."

"Severus, are you messin' wid Jackson?" Wilkes snickered.

"Wilkes, shut your mouth. All of you, just shut your bloody idiot mouths. I'm going to bed," Lucius snarled, jerking the green curtains closed.

Jackson was still a hit at breakfast the next morning. Severus had placed him next to his plate so he could eat, trying to ignore the rather nasty look Lucius gave when someone asked Severus to pass the puppet around so they all could look at it. He watched nervously as a couple of first years tossed it around, playing loudly - he didn't want Jackson confiscated because of some stupid *kids*.

"Afraid they'll hurt poor Jackson, Sev?" Lucius purred.

There was a sudden squeal, and footsteps, and suddenly arms around his neck. Severus jumped and found Sybil to be the administrator of the odd hug.

"Yeah, kinda..."

"Hi!" she squeezed. "Where is he?"

"S-somewhere down there." He pointed down the table at the first years.

"Oh, ok, be right back," she said quickly. A second later there was a yell of protest and Sybil returned with Jackson. She dug in her robes.

"Look, I made it last night," she said, and placed a black, skull bearing eyepatch over Jackson's empty socket.

The table quieted with reverence.

Jackson was now The Coolest Puppet Ever.

"Wow," Severus said. 'Thanks. He looks great."

Sybil looked shyly away. "Aw. It's not that great. And I hope you don't mind, but I was making stuff last night, and I just had to..."

And she removed from her robes an old pink sock upon which had been sewn some triangular felt pieces and bead - eyes, a stitched nose and mouth. Sybil slipped it onto her hand to reveal a little pink cat puppet.

"I wanted one too," she said.

Wilkes laughed with his mouth full of cereal. "Your puppet sucks," he said. "It's nowhere near as cool as Jackson."

Lucius's spoon hit the bottom of his bowl with an overloud "clink".

"Well I know that!" Sybil protested. "We can't all have Jacksons!"

"No. But you can have your puppet, Sybil," Severus said a little too sweetly, letting Wilkes know he was getting in good with Sybil. "I like her. What's her- er, wait." He slipped Jackson onto his hand, and spoke in that deep voice. "What's your name, Lil' Miss Kitty?"

The kitten also spoke in a southern accent, only this one was light and feminine. "My name is Scarlet O' Hara," she said.

"Oh, for God's *sake*," Lucius moaned.

Puppet mania spread like wildfire throughout Hogwarts over the next week, multiplying throughout the first and second year Slytherins, then to the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, and finally to the Gryffindors who, despite entering the game late, displayed quite an array of impressive specimens. But none so awesome as Jackson.

Severus was the proud owner of the undisputed Best And First Puppet. All subsequent puppets including Scarlet O' Hara were just chickens on the pecking line. Severus told the best puppet jokes. Severus won all the puppet fights. Jackson had yet to be confiscated by a teacher, which was saying quite a bit considering the professors were nearly at their wits end dealing with the craze.

"I mean, we've dealt with fads before," Severus overheard MaCogannal lamenting to Dumbledore outside the Great Hall. "You remember Exploding Whizzerfizzers a few years back? Rockin' Robgoblins? And god forbid Nasty Squirrells?"

"Ah yes. Nasty Squirrels. I believe I have the entire first edition set somewhere in my office."

This put her at pause for a moment but she continued. "Well, those were nothing compared the the first and second years with these puppets! If I see anymore animals with southern accents in this school I'll...oh, I don't know, Albus."

"Look on the bright side," Dumbledore said cheerily. 'At least they don't explode."

Severus had momentarily considered an exploding puppet (what a gag!) but put the thought out of his mind when a trembling first year Ravenclaw asked to see Jackson. The reverence in her eyes made Severus want to hug her until her guts flew out her mouth like so many slimy projectiles.

She ran her little fingers over Jackson's white horns. "Wow," she said. "This is amazing. Can I show you mine? It's not done yet, but maybe-"

"Brenda! Get away from that!" came a sudden voice down the hall. Severus looked up to see the Faggot Foursome, as Lucius had lovingly named them, striding down the hall.

Sirius Black, or Shaggy Faggot, rushed up and put his hands on the girl's shoulders, dragging her away from Severus. "But I just wanted to show him Morgan!" she protested.

"Yeah, and get yourself cursed in the process," James (Four-Eyed Faggot) said. "This guy is evil. And I won't allow any sister of Sirius Black's consort with evil."

"I'm not evil!" Severus retorted.

Remus Lupin (Quiet Faggot) snorted.

"You so are too evil! You're like so evil!"" chimed Peter Pettigrew (Oh Just Such A Little Faggot).

"How do you figure?"

"You're all..dressed in black...and all, like...with your hair. And you're into curses. And you're all evil." He crossed his arms and gave a nod.

"I'm not evil just because you're ignorant!" Severus said, exasperated. "You-"

He was cut off by Sirius, who suddenly slammed him against the wall.

"If you ever go near my little sister again, I'll eat your eyes. Understand, chicklet?"

Severus blinked confusedly. 'You'll eat my eyes?"

"YES!" Sirius roared.

The rest of them laughed.

Severus tried to push Sirius off him. "Look, she just wanted to see Jackson, okay? That's all!"

"Yeah, that's all that happened!" Brenda Black piped up, still holding the puppet. "Leave him alone!"

"Don't talk about stuff you don't understand!" Sirius snapped at her.

Remus took Jackson from Brenda. "So this is the famous Jackson?" he said in his infuriatingly subdued manner. "The one that started it all, right? He is pretty cool. Too bad we left our puppets in the dorm, we could have compared."

Severus knew they currently had the best puppets in Gryffindor but they were not cooler than Jackson. No competition.

"I bet he wouldn't be as cool if I gouged out his other eye," Sirius grumbled.

"Now now Sirius, we should always take the high road. Let Severus have his cool puppet. It won't be the coolest for long." He looked at his brood smilingly.

"Yeah. Yeah," Pettigrew snorted. "Not for long."

"Can I punch him?" Sirius asked James.

"I didn't even DO anything!" Severus protested. "If you're going to punch me at least let me get a kick in, or something!"

"He has a point, " James said, looking critically at Severus. "Let's just let him off with a warning, shall we?" He pointing his finger at Severus's nose. "Now you stay away from Brenda and Sirius will stay away from you, okay?" he said condescendingly.

"Whatever, fuckface," Severus snapped.

Sirius made a lunge but James stopped him. "Now now, lets not stoop to his level." He straightened the fuming Sirius's robe, then motioned for the group to follow him. "Come now, lets go win us some Quidditch!" he rang out, and they followed him out the door.

Brenda followed them but turned to mouth "sorry" at Severus on her way.

"It's ok," he mouthed back, picking Jackson up off the floor and dusting him off.

Severus was a little less active with Jackson the next day. He was cautious. Why wouldn't Jackson be the coolest puppet for long? What were the Faggot Foursome planning? Severus unconsciously clutched the puppet to his chest, refusing to display him for an obsequious first-year.

Rosier and Wilkes regarded him strangely - Severus didn't want to admit to them that he was nervous, because then he'd have to tell them about the whole thing. He didn't like admitting he had intimidated by the Faggot Foursome - it made him look, as Wilkes put it, like a pussy.

Lucius, for some reason, appeared today to be quite smug.

"What is it?' Severus asked.

"Hm? Oh, I'm just happy because I got a good grade in Potions. Father will be so proud."

"Yeah, Potions is cool," Severus agreed, which was an understatement in his case. Potions was rapturous, the heat, the smells, the possibilities. Why, he thought, I could stopper death, brew fame-

"But Potions' not as cool as puppets, right Snape?" Rosier asked.

"No way."

Lucius snickered.

Somewhere in the back of the hall there was an awestruck gasp. A group of Gryffindors were laughing and applauding. Severus and Lucius turned to see what it was.

"Ah, they've got something," Lucius said softly.

Severus crept closer, heart sinking.

"Behold!" He heard James Potter call out. Over the crowd Severus could see the top of his messy brown head. "Behold!"