previously published in the Lifestyle Column of the Gorean Voice

This month's column is about meetings, about masters and slaves new to ownership and slavery, or at least new to each other. Not a caution about the very real dangers of being alone for the first time with someone who might turn out dangerously, criminally different from one's hopes and beliefs; that is told elsewhere (but if you have not read the stories at A Tale and Another Tale , please do!) Nor yet is this a column on commonsense precautions about survival and escape if things do turn terribly wrong, for that too has been written about and covered well. No, this is about what to do and expect, if that stranger turns out to be indeed the person you had hoped and expected to meet... what then?

 It is important to recognize that the psychological, emotional condition of enslavement is one which, at least usually, takes a great deal of time and close contact to inspire... the process of bringing a belly truly to burn with more than just infatuation and excitement can be likened far more closely to lighting a fire by rubbing sticks together, than to one of gasoline and matches. This process of enslavement requires a great deal of confidence and trust, both of the slave for the master, that he truly can and wishes to own her, that he can and will keep her safe and fulfilled if she gives over control of her life to him, and of the master for the slave, that she truly can be and in fact is owned, that the power he holds over her is real and stable, not a moment's pastime.

 This sort of trust, confidence in each other's commitment and honesty, in the reality of the slave bond, does not happen overnight. No matter how close two people become online, when they first meet there must always be a time of testing, of questioning, of reasonable doubt until doubts are dispelled. And until that time is over, it is not fair to either to expect things to be as if that bond were already confirmed and stable, or to pretend that they already are so. Yes, expect that a woman who is a natural slave and who is there to explore the potential of enslavement with you will strive earnestly to be pleasing, to make the best effort to do exactly that exploring that she came for... but do not take it for granted; always be aware that the beginning is a time of "what if", not "what IS." Expect that a man whom you see a potential owner will be demanding and strict with you, if such is the nature of his mastery, but recognize also that his first control of you, being new, and being thoughtfully measured with questioning and care, instead of the confidence of long familiarity with both control itself and the one being controlled, will not and can not be the same during that first time as it might be if there is a later.

 What does this mean in practical terms? Well, for one thing, it means not to simply assume that any real slavery will develop between you at all. Certainly, hope for that, and work towards it, but do not act as if it were a foregone conclusion. The way a man treats a slave he owns is not, and should not be, the way he would treat one on a week's trial period from a slaver's shop on Gor. There are liberties one does not take with property which is not yet truly one's own: I would no more have a woman who was not yet truly enslaved to me branded or otherwise permanently marked, than I replace the stereo in a car I was test-driving. No more would I expect such a potential slave to give over control of her children or her finances to me; such matters are the province of confirmed ownership, not exploration.

 Another thing it means is that setting aside some time for discussion of the nature of what is happening between the two of you is absolutely necessary. The time of exploring is one for experiencing, but it must also be one of analysis. Sit back and talk, honestly and openly, about how what each of you is doing makes the other feel and respond, what is working, what isn't, what might be changed and what should not be. In the heat of the moment, of passion of whatever sort, it can be easy to misconstrue the others words and actions, to read things as one's pre-expectations would indicate and not see truly what the other's intent was. Calm words after the fact, describing and confirming perceptions, or perhaps correcting misperceptions, go a long way towards building a confidence of understanding much more solid than just blind trust. The more intense a relationship is, the more complete and accurate the communication must be; some marriages might last decades rife with misperceptions, but a master and slave cannot afford any such.

 And the fact of testing, and awareness of the possibility of either success or failure, most certainly means that you do not take any foolish, irresponsible risks with your own health or that of the other, or of the others who may one day own or be owned by that other if you do not. This is not Gor; the Green Caste here has many more unsolved diseases than Dar-Kosis. Amazingly enough, even after all the news reports of the last decades, some people take more caution against computer viruses than against the biological kind. A hard drive can be replaced; a life cannot. You owe it, if not to yourself, then at least to your potential slave or owner, and to any others who may one day come in contact with either of you, to be absolutely as certain as possible that the act of love is not in fact a sentence to slow death, or decades of illness. Goreans celebrate life; they do not throw it away foolishly.

 Be safe. Be careful. Be thoughtful. If you are all of those things, you will find something real, and wonderful... and more importantly, you will be able to keep it.