077. What?

What am I doing here?

Everything's fallen apart and I can't see how this will do any good.

My hands shake as I try to smooth out creases in my skirt, I never used to go out without ironing my clothes, I liked to look my best.

It didn't really matter anymore though.

I look around, sitting across from me is another woman, I think she's as nervous as I am which makes me feel a bit better.

Really what am I doing here? This is stupid, why would I want to stop? It’s all I have left to make the pain go away.

Of course it's my fault I'm in pain.

I think the woman across from me is trying to catch my eye, but I look down at my hands instead. My left hand, my ring finger.

I still wear the rings, it certainly makes it easier to avoid men asking me out. Too bad I didn’t feel that way a few months ago, then I had taken them off and masqueraded as a single woman.

So, now I was.

A couple more people enter the room, both men, I hope they don’t sit near me, I know this is hardly a place to pick up, but who knew what men were thinking.

I certainly didn't, I had dismissed the one who cared so much and trusted the one who used me.

So, now I'm alone. Although apparently the point of coming here is not to be alone anymore. I'll believe it when it happens.

Babs and Betty are the reason I'm here, even though they're not, they don't need to be, in fact they're not allowed to be. I think that's a stupid rule, I'd feel a lot less self-conscious if they were.

But yes, a week ago the two of them showed up at my front door.

"Lor, this is an invention," Betty greeted me as she and Babs just walked right in.

"Right, things are bad, Lor," Babs spoke sympathetically - the good cop, I guess. "But you can't do this to yourself."

I had tried to play dumb, but it was obvious what they were talking about.

And Betty plucked the wine glass out of my hand. "It's ten in the morning, how may of these have you had?"

I hate that question, it reminds me of...

"I'm not drunk," I protested and I wasn't, well not roaring drunk, I mean I wasn't falling over or anything.

"You're always drunk these days, Lor, you don't even realise it anymore."

I wanted to scoff at this, but...well maybe Betty was right, I certainly drank a lot, every day in fact, I suppose then I must be always drunk.

"We all used enjoy a few drinks together on the weekends," Babs took my arm, "but this is just too much, you're not drinking with us, you don't go out anymore -"

"You've taken five days off work this month all ready," Betty interjected.

"And it's just not healthy."

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "Who cares?"

"We do," Babs and Betty said together, which I suppose was nice of them.

But I would have preferred if they'd given up on the idea, but they wouldn't and now...here I am.

The room's almost full now, one of the men is sitting beside me, but luckily he doesn’t seem interested in talking.

The last person who enters closes the door and walks to the front of the room.

"Welcome everybody," he begins, "I see some new faces here and that's good, it means you're taking control and you want to change."

This is the kind of opening speech that makes you snicker to yourself when it's at school...but obviously here it's taken seriously.

"So, to start off, I'd like those who are new to introduce themselves, no last names please." He gives us an encouraging look. "Don't be shy."

I look around, four other people look as uncomfortable as I feel, asking themselves as I am What am I doing here?

Let it never be said I’m not one to plunge in, I get to my feet and say the words.

"My name is Lorraine and I'm an alcoholic..."


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