088. Life


"So tomorrow is the big day," my mother says with a sigh.

"Hmm mmm," I murmur looking at my reflection in the mirror. I can tell by Mother's tone it's not the usual kind of sigh a Mother of the Bride makes. I know Mother would like nothing better than for me to declare the wedding is off.

"I hope you're ready for it," Mother continues.

I look at her reflection, she’s smoothing the pleats of her skirt in a very nervous way. Uh-oh, I know what this means.

"Married life is very different than books, movies and television will have you believe," Mother launches in. "It won’t be like I Love Lucy, you know.”

"I hope not!" I love watching Lucy, but I sure as Hell wouldn't want to be Lucille!

"Don't be glib, Lorraine," Mother scolds, folding her arms.

There is no way I'm going to be able to get out of this, I guess, so I turn around and give her my full attention. "Of course not," I tell her, "what did you want to say?"

Mother bustles over to my bed straightening my pillows before sitting down. "You know your father and I care about you deeply and want what’s best for you."

I fight the urge to roll my eyes, instead I just nod. Mother though, isn’t fooled. "You don't seem to believe it, but it's true." She pauses. "Now, you insist that this is what you want, so...I think I should give you all the advice I can. To prepare you."

I nod again, I wonder where this is going.

"Of course, I realise things are different now, when I married, I wasn't in University and neither was your father, for that matter. I'm not sure how your finances work -"

"I told you, Mother, we have part-time jobs,” I've gone over this about fifty times, all ready.

"Hmpf," Mother waves this aside. "The point is, husbands' expect certain things, a clean house, dinner on the table -"

"I don’t think -"

"Don't interrupt," Mother gives me a sharp look. "Now, that being the case, you'll have to learn about the wonders of left-overs. I know you hate them, but you're going to need them. So...I have a gift for you."

She reaches into her pocket and withdraws a small rather tattered notebook...it looks vaguely familiar...

"My cookbook, I've put it together over the years, my mother had one, and suggested I have one too. I know that cooking has never been your great skill -"

I'm offended by this, I may have failed Home Ec in Grade Ten, but that was because it was a stupid class.

"So, rather than toss you in the deep end, I'm giving this to you."

She holds it out and I admit, being kind of...well touched, Mother mightn’t like George, but she’s trying to put that aside to help me. I take the book and flick through it, deciding not to admit I don’t see any suggestions in it that sound particularly appetising.

"There's a lot of good advice in there, meals that take only minutes to put together...I’m sure they’ll help you."

"Thank you, Mother," I say sincerely, leaning forward to hug her.

She gives me a very small smile, then continues. "As for cleaning...well, you’ve always kept your room neat, but there’s more to cleaning than that..."

Ugh...is there any stopping her?

Finally after hearing about how baking soda could get out just about any stain and that it was important to vacuum under the couch, Mother stands up.

I smile and give her another hug. "Thanks for the advice." Then I turn back to my vanity table, where's the earrings Babs lent me for my ‘something borrowed’, they’re here somewhere...

"There's just one more thing, dear."

"Hmmm?"

"You need to know about..." In the mirror I can see Mother looks very uncomfortable and won't meet my eyes. "About...relations."

I furrow my brows. "What?" I have no idea what she's getting at, does she think George's family is going to run amok in the church or something?

"Marital relations."

It suddenly dawns on me.

"What?!"

"It's very important, Lorraine," Mother's voice is firm. "You can't go into such a thing with no preparation."

"Mother-" I begin, and wish I could faint on command!

"Your husband is going to expect you to...well be at least accepting of it all -"

"Mother," I practically beg.

"But if you can muster up enthusiasm that first time, it will certainly make things a lot happier. I can assure you, dear, it's not so bad, your father was quite nice about -"

"Mother!" I shout, putting my hands to my ears.

"What?" Mother puts her hands on her hips. "I'm offering you my best advice -" Her eyes narrow. "Lorraine, you haven't -"

"No! I haven’t!"

This has to be the most hideous lecture I've ever had in my whole life...and I thought nothing would top the one I got after the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance about why I left with one boy and came home with another.

"I sincerely hope not, young lady," Mother actually waves a finger at me! "Do you have any idea how foolish and short-sighted that is?! You could get preg-"

"Mother! I haven't!' I actually feel like stamping my foot, which seems to be the only way to stop Mother's rants at least when Sally does it.

"Well, if that's so, you'll need to hear this," Mother announces, her arms folded.

Oh my God, this is cruel! This is blackmail!

She has me cornered and all I can do is sink back onto my vanity chair and listen.

And try and forget it ever heard it!


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