Over the past few days, I have realized that my honesty to certain people, mostly people whom I love, has been absent in conversation with them. A swimming practice on Friday, my coach asked me if I finished the whole set of swimming. Almost immediately I claimed that I did finish the set, but as he walked away, I knew that he knew that I did not finish that set. My dishonesty to him perhaps changed his view on me, and that poor decision may influence him to put in other people instead of me in meets.
This weekend, my mom asked me if I finished my homework. Instead of right away leaving the television set, saying “no,” and starting my homework, I simply stated that the amount of homework left was almost insignificant and I could do the homework any time I wanted. My mom accepted this statement, but I should have rather started my homework right away or said “no” instead of deviating from the truth because my mom puts her trust in me and I have the duty as her son to be honest with her. In fact, because I did not complete all of my homework, I had to hurry on a few assignments, and therefore I did poorly.
On Monday, one of our STUCO officers asked me how I liked the baseball homerun derby and whether or not we should keep the event next year. I said that I liked the event, but I never actually went. I think that I responded out of fear that he would condemn me if I said I didn’t go, but as a social officer, I think that I should have participated in the school’s activities. I lied, and maybe over some time that lie will come back to haunt me.
I found through this experiment the disturbingly lackadaisical and thoughtless honesty and decision-making skills that I have and put into practice. I found that most of my decisions were based on emotion, and not intellect or intimate reflection. I seem to say the first thing that comes to my mind, which I have realized can be very dangerous. Not only are my decisions emotional ones, but over the course of time, my decision-making qualities have also been habitual, and I have allowed my mind to slip into this constant, irrational judgment of the truth. My mind seems to value my own ambitions or my own pride and reputation rather than the actual truth, which should supercede my own status among others and my own decisions. This paper has perhaps sent me a warning signal to develop a greater self-awareness about my decision-making.
I think that the danger of these “white lies” and the length of time that I have allowed these lies to become a part of me is a real concern that I myself must take into consideration and then make a plan to change my honesty. This dishonest life that I am living right now may in the future catch up to me and shatter all trust that people have in me. Then I would have to try to rebuild from scratch the trust that people had in me. This self-awareness will require discipline, but the consequences of my actions will be much more devastating if I don’t enact change right now. I think that the first step to reversing my life is to reconcile to those people who I have hurt in some way by my lies because I firmly believe that the only way to move on to the future is to reconcile with my past.
