> STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
> By Rod Hilton
>
> FADE IN:
>
> INT. SPACESHIP
>
> LIAM NEESON
> It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations
> with the federation.
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
> I agree. This one planet and how it trades with
> other planets is certainly
> an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a
> Star Wars film.
>
> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
>
> EVIL ALIEN
> Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian
> race must prevair.  I
> wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
>
> INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
> A droid enters.
>
> LIAM NEESON
> I sense a disturbance in the force.
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
> Well, shit.
>
> JAR JAR
> Who might you be?
>
> LIAM NEESON
> (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but
> not really staring at
> him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take
> me to your homeland.
>
> JAR JAR
> I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you
> to the land from which
> I have come.
>
> [Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys
> aren't selling well enough.]
>
> JAR JAR (cont*d)
> Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go
> back to Jamaica mon,
> an' smokesa some ganja, mon. okeyday?
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
> (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do
> you have a hotel room
> for me and Liam?  We have..uh..Jedi business to
> attend to.
>
> AUDIENCE
> Die! Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
>
> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
> I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I
> will tell the senate and
> you will be in a lot of trouble.
>
> EVIL ALIEN
> I'm so sorry, Amidala.
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
> No, no, I'm Padme now. I'm whoever is playing the
> queen at the time. The
> voice changes don't help you figure this out.
>
> INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD
> SLAVE
>
> JAKE LLOYD
> Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
> You certainly are, little boy.
>
> JAKE LLOYD
> Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm
> gonna bone you in episode
> two?
>
> LIAM NEESON
> Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the
> parts I need and free
> you.
>
> JAKE'S MOM
> No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt.
> (pause) Ok, I will.
> Nevermind. Good luck.
>
> [They pod race.  It looks really COOL.]
>
> [JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will
> become very important
> in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol
> droid, THREEPIO.]
>
> AUDIENCE
> He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in
> the original trilogy?
>
> GEORGE LUCAS
>
> Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm
> just making up, how do
> you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of
> my ass?
>
> [They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.]
>
> INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
>
> LIAM NEESON
> I want to train this boy.
>
> YODA
> Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future
> seems. Vague my
> worries are.
>
> LIAM NEESON
> Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to
> the force. I'm
> training him.
>
> SAMUEL L. JACKSON
> Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong
> with yo bitchass?
> I'll fuckin kill you! My toy has a fuckin
> lightsaber.
>
> INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
> Damn I'm evil.
>
> [Suddenly, we see E.T!  This does not make the film
> HYPER-CUTESY like
> Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.]
>
> EXT. NABOO
>
> [Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
> sequence. Darth wears
> black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red
> lightsaber, wears red
> and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.]
>
> [Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
> insignificant guy and we
> really don't care.]
>
> [Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids
> and we really don't
> care except we want the Gungans to die.]
>
> [Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the
> spacebattle, which is
> mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little
> bit.]
>
> INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
>
> MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber
> battle which has had much
> choreography work and is thousands of times better
> than any other
> lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
>
> Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very
> surprising, especially to those
> of us who bought the film score which has a song
> whose title gives away
> the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft.
>
> Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S
> lightsaber, jump up out of the
> shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and
> slice MAUL in half
> while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does
> nothing at all.
>
> EXT. SPACE
>
> JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for
> the ship is kept. He
> accidentally blows it to SHIT.
>
> JAKE LLOYD (cont*d)
> Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
>
> The ship explodes, which makes everything great,
> because it's always
> enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a
> slapstick accident.
>
> EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
>
> The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A
> huge party ensues.
> Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
> mindless celebration
> and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened
> was the future-emperor
> has actually manipulated everything, come into great
> power, and that one
> tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
> thousands more have been
> created.
>
> GEORGE LUCAS
> Three years, suckers!!!
>
> THE END