THE AISLE SEAT - by Mike McGranaghan

"BATTLEFIELD EARTH"

Ishtar. Howard the Duck. Hudson Hawk. The Bonfire of the Vanities. What do these films have in common? All are well-known examples of movie disasters - big star, big budget films gone spectacularly wrong. And now, less than halfway through the first year of this new millennium, we can add another title to the list. Battlefield Earth is an embarrassingly incoherent and shockingly abhorrent adaptation of a science-fiction novel by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. One of Hubbard's followers, mega-star John Travolta, has been trying to get this project to the big screen for years. Apparently, no one wanted to tell the $20 million dollar man that it was a bad idea.

How do I summarize this movie when I have absolutely no clue what it's about? The whole plot is so poorly explained that trying to capsulate it becomes an exercise in futility. I considered browsing the press materials for help but decided not to waste my time. I'm not sure I want to know what the intention was supposed to be. What I do know is that Battlefield Earth takes place in the year 3000 and, as in lots of bad sci-fi movies, "mankind is an endangered species." Barry Pepper (Saving Private Ryan) plays one of the few remaining "man-animals" left. He is kidnapped by a "company" of alien gold miners, led by "chief of security" Terl, played by Travolta. The aliens are a ridiculous sight; with their braided hair, straggly beards, and dazed eyes, they look like the inbred offspring of ZZ Top.

Apparently, the story is supposed to be some kind of a parable about big business, as Terl constantly refers to things like "the home office" or "maximizing profits." The man-animal essentially screws up any profit-enhancing plans by organizing a revolt. Maybe this would make sense if we knew what the "company" was or who the aliens were. That, of course, would take thought and logic - two things this film obviously has no use for.

I may not have known where this plot was allegedly heading, but it did provide a number of unintentional howlers. When Terl forces the humans to mine gold, they instead break into Fort Knox (which is amazingly pristine despite the fact that everything else in America has been nearly annihilated) and steal all the bullion. When they deliver it to Terl, the alien shrieks: "Well, since you rat-heads have had enough time to smelt it into bars, I want my gold in seven hours!" Later on, to prepare their revolt, the humans swipe a big spaceship which they park in front of the Library of Congress. (Yes, there are also scenes of them inside the library, doing research).

At least these scenes provide knee-slapping laughter. The rest of Battlefield Earth provokes numbness. I sat watching this picture in total disbelief. There is literally nothing of any value or interest on screen. The film is so badly made that most of the time it is impossible to tell what's happening. Even the special effects are atrocious; they look cheap and phony. Didn't somebody realize that the sets and costumes were ugly, the characters were anonymous, the direction was haphazard, the editing was sloppy, and the action scenes were confusing? Didn't someone realize that this was a total waste of time, money, and talent?


John Travolta embarrasses himself in the horrendous Battlefield Earth
 
Travolta should be embarrassed. Looking like a fool in his absurd costume, the actor engages in the kind of overacting that would shame the Master Thespian character Jon Lovitz used to do on "Saturday Night Live." If the character was in any way supposed to be menacing, Travolta eradicates the trait. Watching Terl go after one of the humans is like watching someone being tortured by Bozo the Clown. I like Travolta - he's one of our best actors. What was he thinking? Barry Pepper and Forest Whittaker (who portrays another alien) are equally bad. At least Whittaker gets to hide behind his costume so that he'll be harder to recognize.

I can find absolutely nothing good to say about Battlefield Earth. Nothing. Not one single thing. I hated this movie - hated it with a passion that I barely thought imaginable. It is idiotic, moronic, and insipid. It left me scratching my head, completely lost in a dense fog of confusion and boredom. Battlefield Earth rightly claims its place in the Putrid Movie Hall of Fame.

(1/2 out of four)


Battlefield Earth is rated PG-13 for fantasy violence. The running time is 1 hour and 57 minutes.
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