Leave them alone for only one minute... It was evening at Croft Manor, and Hillary seemed to have lost his distinguished guests. They told him everything from the whole thing about being from 3million years in the future, and how the trip here had broke the device that would let them go back. If he had any other employer, all of that might have seemed strange. Seeing that his new friends weren't leaving any time soon and Lara was still AWOL he decided to straighten up some of the rooms for them to sleep in. All he needed now was to show them where to go. If he could find them.
Checking all the different rooms, he found Kryten in the laundry room, close to tears. "Uh, Kryten, something the matter?"
"Oh no, Mr. Hillary sir! It's just that you have such a nice laundry room! It has everything! Just look at this iron! State of the art for your time!" The mechanoid waved the iron in front of the butler.
"Yes, thank you, I think... Kryten, where are your colleagues? I have rooms set up for them, but I can't seem to find them."
Kryten set the iron down and thought for a second. "Where does this Mistress of yours sleep?"
Sure enough, Hillary and Kryten found Cat and Lister in Lara's bedroom, laying face down on Lara's bed, and inhaling her pillows deeply. "Wow," the Cat was saying, voice muffled by the pillow, "who ever she is, she sure smells great!"
"Yeah, sweet, man. I bet she was good looking girl!" Lister concurred.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You're disgusting! Get out! Right now!" Hillary pulled the two men off the bed and shoved them out the door.
Lister turned to him in despair. "Come on, man, do you know how long it's been since we've been able to smell a girl?"
"No, and frankly," Hillary took a key ring out of his pocket and proceeded to lock Lara's door, "I really don't care. Now I prepared some rooms for you. If you would follow me..."
"Do you have a picture of her?"
"What?"
"A picture, man, that's all we ask! Just let us see what she looks like and we swear we won't try to smell or do anything to anything else of hers."
Hillary looked between the two men with their pleading faces and gave in. Besides, it would mean he didn't have to worry about them trying to go through the laundry to find her knickers. "Fine, follow me."
He led the entire trio to his own room. He picked up the framed Polaroid off his nightstand of Lara in the white dress. "Here." He handed the photo to Lister.
Lister and Cat both let out whistles. "Damn," was Cat was able to say.
"No kidding, man. What size is she?"
"34D."
Lister's head snapped up at the immediate response. An impish smirk crossed his features. "And how do you know that one so fast?"
Hillary shook his head. "I do her laundry, I've been doing it for years, I am going to notice once in a while what the tags say. Besides, she once proudly announced it to me one day."
"Yeah, but I could have been askin' about her shoes. You're the one who immediately jumped at her cup size!"
Hillary reddened slightly and cleared his throat. "Yes, well, enough of this adolescent ogling and turn in. Gentlemen, this way to your rooms."
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So Rimmer and Lara were alone in the quarters he shared with Lister. They sat at the table. Lara had one elbow on the table and her chin resting on her hand. The other hand's fingers were drumming on the tabletop. Rimmer sat across from her, hands folded and sitting in his lap. His right leg nervously jiggling, and he kept his gaze at an embarrassed downward at floor position.
Lara had enough of the awkward silence and decided to cut it. "So, Mr. Rimmer-"
Rimmer looked up at her, "Call me Arn, or Arnold, whatever you prefer...You can call me Mr. Rimmer if you want. Don't matter to me, everyone calls me Rimmer anyway. Oh, dear, I just rambled there, didn't I?"
Lara laughed. "It's okay, I don't mind. Anyway, Arn, I was thinking that I would like to see more of the ship. I would love a tour."
"Well, we couldn't do a complete tour. It would take almost a year to go through the entire ship. Still, I suppose I could show you a little more."
"Sounds fine. Really, I could just use a good walk and some company." She stood and stretched.
Rimmer couldn't believe his luck! Here he was alone with a gorgeous woman who wanted his company! Well, she didn't have much choice, but she could have decided to go with that associate of hers or just go off on her own. Surprisingly, he hadn't tried to make any moves on her. Well, she was a bit intimidating, If he tried anything, she could really inflict some pain.
A few minutes later, the two of them walked along the Dwarf's corridors and Lara had Rimmer talking about his favorite subject: Himself. "So, you're dead, and now you're a hologram?"
"Yep."
She stopped and took his hand. Oh God, she's touching me! She seemed to be examine it. "Extraordinary. One would never know if not for that thing on your head."
"Yeah, the daily reminder."
"Well, what do you like? What are you interested in?" Lara asked, changing the subject.
"Nothing that interests you."
"Try me." It was almost disturbing how nice Lara was being to him. He wasn't use to it.
"Okay." He crossed his arms. In some strange way, he wanted her to be turned off by his hobbies, it would prove him right anyway. "I like Hammond Organ music, Morris dancing, I have a lovely photo collection of 20th Century telegraph poles, and I love to play Risk."
Lara laughed again. In fact, she started laughing right after he finished the first item on his list. What was it that she was finding so amusing? She gained some composure, "Sorry, it's not you, really. I like Risk, actually. Do you have a board? I wouldn't mind playing to past the time."
Rimmer perked up. "Really? You're not joking?"
Lara shook her head. "No joke, come on, I'm sure we can find one..."
"Hello there!" Holly appeared on a wall screen beside them. "Come on down to the science lab, Brycie reckons he's got it all sorted out!"
Lara gave Rimmer an apologetic look. "Sorry, Arn, maybe some time later?"
Rimmer scowled as he led Lara to the science room. Smeg, smeg, smegging smeg!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where's the curry?"
"We do not have any."
"Not have any? How am I suppose to survive?"
"Eat something else!"
"Yeah, but look at this stuff! It's all healthy!"
"Lara is a very active woman, she needs healthy food to keep in shape and some foods help with stamina."
"Like oysters?"
"Never mind. Why don't you go help Kryten with whatever he is doing? And what happened to the Cat?"
"Cat's asleep in the library. Besides, I'd only be getting in Kryt's way."
"Then go and do something else! Why do you have to keep hanging around me for? You were all excited about being on earth when you first got here, go for a walk and experience it!"
"Right, I will." Lister stuck his tongue out at Hillary behind his back and went for his walk. Truth be told, he just liked getting on this guy's pecs. Rimmer wasn't around to provide the opportunity to annoy the smeg out of some one, so this look-a-like would have to do for now.
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Rimmer, Lara, and Bryce were in the science lab. Bryce sat at a workstation holding the little box. "right then, Lara, touch my shoulder or something, just as long as you're touching me in some way so that it will take you, too." Lara walked up behind Bryce and placed a hand on his shoulder. She gave Rimmer a rueful smile and nodded to Bryce. "Right then, here goes nothing."
He pushed the button. They didn't vanish. Instead a young woman appeared. She was disoriented for second, but seemed to gain her bearings after a moment. She started jumping up and down in excitement and squealed, "Yes, yes, yes! She did it! She found a way!" She hopped around the room a bit and stopped in front of Lara. "Oh my God, I love you so much!" The strange lady flung her arms around Lara's neck and kissed her full on the lips.
She left the stunned Lara and set her sights on the curly-haired man standing across the room. She flung herself at the hologram making him lose his balance. She kissed him more fully, getting some tongue action in as well. She finally broke away, giving Rimmer the ability to breathe. She pouted a bit. "If Lister was here, we could really have some fun!"
"Well, he's not!" Rimmer said, pushing the looney away from him.
"Hmmm, but Bryce is here...." She got a very disturbing expression that was a mix of pure of evil and deep thought.
"Please, make her go away!" Rimmer pleaded.
Bryce pushed the button again and the girl disappeared. He examined his box again, feeling a bit dejected: He was the only one not to get a good snog from the interesting stranger. "Still need to get some kinks out. This will be awhile."
"I'll always help, Brycie!" Holly was very eager.
Lara looked at Rimmer. "Well, Arn, seems we may get to play that game after all!"
Rimmer yawned, "Tomorrow maybe, I've had a rather busy day."
"We all have."
"Come on, let's find you some quarters for you to use."
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Right, that was it. Hillary had about enough of these people's shenanigans. Cocking his shotgun, he made his way to the laundry room, where he was pretty damn sure that either Lister or Cat was breaking his promise. If they were not going to take him seriously, it was time to make sure they understood he wasn't going to tolerate...Oh, it was just the android. "Kryten, what are you doing?"
"The laundry, sir."
"So I've noticed. Any particular reason why?"
"Oh, Sir, do you have any idea how long it's been since I've done any laundry?" He was almost in tears again.
"For as long as it has been since your two friends has smelled a woman?"
"Oh, no, sir. It has been three days for me. THREE DAYS!!!"
Hillary was getting uncomfortable. "Um, yes, well I'll just let you to it, then. Far be it for me to stop you from getting your strange joy for doing the whites...." Hillary shook his head and left. He was sure if these people didn't leave soon, they were going to drive him mad.
Pump-action shotgun still in hand, Hillary still had two unaccounted-for guests to find. As he passed Lara's room, he checked the door to make sure it was still locked. It was. Yet, he still got a sneaking suspicion that just maybe...somehow...no, impossible! Then again... He took out his keys and unlocked the door. Entering, he found Cat asleep on her bed. "What do you think you are doing!?''
The cat woke with a start. "Hey man, keep the noise down! I'm getting my beauty sleep!" Hillary leveled his shotgun at Cat's head. Cat looked at the gun, then looked around the room, and turned back to Hillary, acting surprised. "Hey! How did I get in here? Where am I?" He gave the butler a very unconvincing grin.
"If I ever catch you in here again, I will not hesitate to blow your bloody head off."
Cat jumped off the bed and headed for the door. "Sure buddy, anything you say." He dashed down the hall to find a new place to sleep and hide from the butler.
Two down, one to go. Lister was in the tech room. "Right. Now, what are you doing?"
"Just seeing if I can help fix this thing, and get us home. Besides, who do you think you are, our babysitter? You don't have to go hunting us down if we're out of your site for more than five minutes." Lister emphasized "hunting" by indicating the shotgun with his head.
Hillary decided to sit down at a station not far from Lister. "You three are worse than any children I had to baby-sit in my youth."
Lister let out a laugh. "You were young once? Figured you were born old by the way you act. Come on, what do you do for fun?"
"What?"
"You know, at the end of the day and all your butling is done, what do you like to do?"
"I don't know, read I guess."
"Ooh, Hillary, what an exciting life you lead!"
"Lara goes out and has enough excitement for five people, I'm quite content with a quiet life style."
Lister studied the other man for second and stated quietly, "You must miss her, this Lara lady."
Hillary sighed. "Not nearly as much as I worry about her. If she's not going to do it herself, some one has to."
"I'm sure she's safe," Lister reassured him.
"And if she does make it back, she better have that geek with her or my life surely won't be as interesting as it is now."
Lister nodded. He understood what Hillary meant. There is that one person in everyone's life that when you see them everyday you want nothing more than to _not_ see them, but when faced with the prospect of never seeing him again, it can be quite saddening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lara looked up as Bryce entered the quarters Rimmer provided for her. He didn't look happy. "No luck, then?" Bryce shook his head. Lara sat down at edge of the bunk and sighed. "Hillary must be having a nervous breakdown wondering what happened to us."
"We are facing the possibility that we could be stuck here, and all you're thinking about is how Hillary might be doing? Then again, you probably don't want to leave, seeing how friendly you are with the Rimmer chappie."
Lara rolled her eyes. "Bryce he's the only person here, of course I'm going to try and be cordial. Besides," Lara smirked, "I think he's kind of adorable."
Bryce screwed his face up in disgust. "Adorable? Lara, the guy looks JUST like Hillary! I feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone when I see him. And you think he's adorable? Ick!"
"It's also very sweet, how hard he tries."
"How hard he tries to what?"
"Impress me! It's different than the way most guys are. Most men can't keep their eyes above my neck, or give me some oily chat-up line, or try to impress me by being all macho. He's just trying not to offend, or upset me, or make himself look stupid in front of me. It's cute....and so is he."
Bryce's eyes narrowed. "Lara, do you think Hillary's cute?"
"I've never said I didn't think he's cute."
"Ugh. Oh God, Lara, I DID NOT need to hear that! Excuse me while I go vomit."
"Oh, like there is nothing disgusting about you and that computer."
"Holly?"
"A computer with the appearance of a blonde female, it's your dream come true. You're just disappointed that there is no way to bonk her."
"Stop being sick, Lara. At least I'm not being a necropheliac!"
"Did I say I was going to sleep with, Arnie? No, all I said was that I thought he was cute. If I went to bed if every guy I thought was cute I-"
"Would have already slept with Hillary."
Lara let out an exasperated breath. "Good night Bryce."
"Ha! See, you're avoiding the subject!"
"Good night, Bryce."
"Fine, fine, I'm going." Bryce left and when he passed Rimmer going down the corridor, he made a visible shudder.
Rimmer scowled at Bryce and knocked on Lara's door. "Come in." Her back was turned to him as she situated the blankest on the bunk to her liking.
"So, you're settling in?"
"Yep."
"Good. I hope everything is to your satisfaction."
"It's fine, Hillary, thank you."
Rimmer started. "What did you call me?"
Lara turned around with a look of realizing what she just said. "Oh, sorry, Arn. It's just that you look and sound so much like a friend of mine. Bryce and I were just discussing it."
"Ah, well, interesting. I, uh, well, sleep well and if you need anything you know where to find me." He said this with an overwhelming amount of hand gestures, it just made Lara laugh. "Yes, good night, Lara. Pleasant dreams and all that."
"You too, Arn." She gave into her impulse and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He went quite red and got a goofy smile. He mumbled another "good night" and continued talking incoherently as he left for his own quarters. Lara frowned. Good move, now he probably won't be able to get to sleep tonight. She shrugged. Oh, well. She just hoped Bryce could get enough sleep so he can get a fresh start on fixing that time machine. She was actually getting a little home sick.