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[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"] Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Julia is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Susan. So everyone, please put your hands together for Julia! [The crowd whoops and hollers] Jerry: Okay, now Julia you're here to talk about someone aren't you? You: Yes. Jerry: And what is this other person's name? You: Matt. [The crowd squeals with delight] Jerry: Okay, okay, well Matt, is actually here tonight ... [The crowd squeals] Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Julia, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Daryl! You: What the HELL!!! [Out of nowhere you pull out a daggar. Daryl reaches for the couch. Out of the shadows Erik appears] Erik: Wait everybody, wait! Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Daryl. Daryl: Because I saw Julia and Erik making out at Old Navy! [The crowd goes absolutely insane] Erik: That's a lie! I was home watching 70's Show! Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Daryl? Daryl: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Susan who has recently become engaged to Erik. [The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement] Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Susan out here because Julia had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Matt that's right! Susan: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Matt! You know how I feel about Matt! Erik: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Matt! Susan: Because I knew that I could never have Matt. But Julia promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings! Erik: What about respect for my feelings! [Daryl walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Susan] Daryl: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me. [Again the crowd squeals] Erik: Oh my God! Are you sick!? [Erik runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly] Erik: Julia take me away from all of this! You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ... [The crowd does its bit] Erik: Married? [You nod] Erik: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand! You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Matt. Susan: [screaming] WHAT!!! Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night? Matt: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 17 times if that's what you mean. [The crowd squeals] Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Julia is married to Matt who Susan has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Susan has recently become engaged to Erik who was recently spotted kissing Julia in Old Navy. Now on top of this, Daryl has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Susan. Matt: That's right Jerry. Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other. [Cue cheesy background music and fade to black] |
| The Jerry Springer Show: Episode 627: "Marriage Meltdown" |