Ten Years



An immersion into this music, this emotion, this pain and brilliance I have shut out, neglected, distanced myself from for so long. I need to feel that pain again. This was me for so long. This was the path of my life and thoughts and speak and dreams.
I love you Kurt.
I made myself depressed for you.
I learned to play guitar for you.
I wrote poetry for you.
I fell in love with music for you.
I didn't take drugs for you, and
I took drugs for you.
I cut myself for you.
I disavowed god for you.
I dyed my hair green for you.
I refused to make friends for you.
I cried myself to sleep for you, I wore black eyeliner and a studded belt for you, I cut holes in my sweatshirt for you.
I did not recognize myself as a person for you.
You were dead, Kurt, and I didn't deserve to be alive if you weren't.
I tried to make myself not alive on the inside with tears.
And on the outside with black.
I would have killed myself for you, don't worry, I promise that.
But I know first-hand the pain of a lost someone.
A lost someone I never even knew.
Please forgive me for loving you. I know you wouldn't have wanted that. I know that's what killed you.
I couldn't help it.
You saved me from my life.
When I moved away from you, I didn't know what to do. I was emptier on the inside than I ever had been.
You filled me up then took from me more than I knew I had.
I worshipped you because I needed you to be with me all the time, I needed a something with me to guide me through, I needed you to tell me that what I did was okay, what I felt was okay, how I treated you and myself was okay. I missed you so much. I miss you so much. I need you to know how much I was for you.
I know you watched over me until you didn't need to anymore.
I know you picked the time and told me to be my own.
Thank you for allowing me that.
You let me be yours for so long, even though you knew it was bad for me.
But you knew I needed to make myself do it.
You allowed me to idolize you, even though we both knew I was wrong.
You showed me what was important in my life.
I thought it was you, but it was what you taught me.
It was music. It was passion. It was other people. It was justice.
It was peace, love, empathy.
I love you.

5 April 2004