Saturday, Rachel and Matt ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant.

(Rachel was worried that conversation wouldn't flow between them when they weren't online or

in math passing notes or

stoned.)
    So she tried hard to make conversation.
    And felt bad for trying hard.

    And wondered if it was tellable.

    And hoped she didn't sabotage any natural conversation with the try-hard one.

He went to the bathroom (to roll a joint) and she looked at the wall where there was pieced-together pieces of mirror.

And thought, I am seeing the world this way. This way, broken up by these pieces of broken glass pasted onto the wall of a Mexican restaurant.

And wrote down a piece of the paper tablemat: "Concept- love how (s)he views the world."

 

It seems that Rachel wanted someone to write a poem about loving how she views the world.

 

Or maybe she wanted to write a poem about how someone else views the world.

 

She decided to let it be.
    No one called her Saturday night.

    So she was going to call Matt's cell phone and try to get together with them.

        Then she decided that might seem desperate.

        And she didn't want to wear out her welcome.

        And be a Julia.

    But she figured there was a valid reason.

    And even if there wasn't, people fuck up.

    But she was curious and wanted to know why.

    And it didn't make her feel very good

        Lonely

        Unwanted

        Unappreciated

        Uncool

 

And all of a sudden, she realized what a bad person she was for not answering Julia's calls.

Rachel misses Eric.

Rachel's feet are too hot but she knows they smell so she doesn't want to take off her socks.

    (She does anyway)

    (No one else is there)

Rachel was mean to her brother tonight but he was being annoying as fuck so she kind of doesn't mind.

    But she feels bad all the same.

Eric finally calls but Rachel feels shitty and doesn't want to burden him down with more depression, so she lies to him, telling him she is busy.

Now she needs to talk to him.

    Just to hear that calm voice

        "Hey..how're you?"

    Just to know that someone in the world loves her so much as he does.

    Just to hear the soft "I love you, goodnight" at the end.

    Just to tease him that it's already tomorrow.

    Just so she can go to sleep without tears in her eyes

        Or with justification for them being there.

 

A shrink, because (for example)

    She eats ice cream and feels like a bad person,

    She feels like a bad person for feeling like a bad person,

        (And she still feels like the original bad person, too, for eating ice cream).       

    

Sunday morning

    "You have one, unheard, message. Sent, today, at two, oh-six, am."

        An explanation,

            Valid.

 

25 April 2004