I think I understand some things now. To strive for the perfect, the unattainable is to doom yourself from the start. Placing momentous expectations on yourself goes hand in hand with burdening yourself with an unhealthy amount of pressure. Because the ideal scenario does not exist except in the city of dreams. The downward spiral of paradisiacal drugs places you in the city of dreams while at the same time you drift farther and farther away from it being achievable until it is entirely out of reach and you are out of reach from reality. So what is the point in striving at all if the golden goal can never be reached and sustained. I think a Tech Nine song sums it up best, "Drink and be merry, because tomorrow you may die. I'm going to have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames." Hedonistic with no other objective, but what else really matters anyway in the end. You lose those closest to you, but you inevitably share their fate, it's just a question of timing. Once you're dead and they're dead, neither of you has any pain. Getting depressed or angry just fucks up your vibes, carrying too much about the little shit makes you miss the whole train ride with all its best stops. 9 to 5 work with no light at the end of the tunnel is a situation to avoid, I suppose, and it should never be accepted as a necessity, no matter the alternatives. All your time is wasted, and since you don't have much to spare in the first place, you are losing all the opportunities of a lifetime. What Requiem has taught me is that you can't live for the last stop at the end of the ladder where the grass is greener and your woes are obliterated. It only casts a dark shadow over the present, and since you are gazing so far ahead you are not looking at what's in front of you. Since you live life only in the moment and not in some abstract fantasy future, you might as well live life for the moment and not for that impossible future. If you set the hurdles too high you will trip and fall down hard back to the ground, the sacrifices will be futile. Extremes are dangerous, and extreme happiness is linked to extreme despair, like the heroine and cocaine addicts of Requiem. Fantasies are a damaging thing to live in since the lifeblood is sucked from your reality, where everything is not as it should be and it probably never will be.
Everything isn't about winning, and I've been blinded many times from seeing the logical and rational path. The objective must be identified and examined, and not be eclipsed by large piles of small obstacles.
Keep the good friends you have, and don't let stupid and irrelevant shit to get in the way of that, don't succumb to anger or hubris. Always a cool and clear head, always know the situation and circumstance, and stay grounded in reality.
Live in and for the moment, and anger gets you nowhere, it's a long path with a dead end, you have to turn back early or it will be a long trek back.
3 in the morning, Monday June 28th 2004.
My Bible? Check back in awhile to see if it still holds up and still makes sense.