This time there is no sense of "urgency" to get to the hospital. I seem more at peace with my higher power lately too. I lay in bed at night sometimes having a hard time breathing lately due to the muscles breaking down or ridgety in the chest walls. The fatigue has started to become overwhelming. Sometimes wanting or needing to do nothing but sleep. Its never a restful one though, as muscle and joint pain awaken me along with kidney spasms. My back and leg pain have become more and more intense.
And yet at the same time, there is this sense of "peace". I cannot begin to describe it to anyone. But I honestly dont think I'll be able to make remission let alone next year. There's a certain "sense" that one has after knowing ones self and going through such an ordeal that has spiraled so quickly. Maybe Ive come to terms finally with the monster? or maybe I feel the inevitable is closer then I realized.
Am I afraid? No Iam really not. As I know I have been the best person I could be and I have tried relentlessly to be a good wife, mother, and friend. Ive made my share of mistakes like everyone else. Iam however afraid for my daughter, as this would devistate her. Being in the formative teen years and the clostness that we have, Ive always tried to protect her in her every day life and I know if something happens to be down the road that I will be protecting her in a different way. I only hope she realizes this one day. And knows how very much I love her and how very proud of her Ive been.
For my son, I hope that while he's at Job Corps. he learns what he needs to be able to make it on his own. To find some sort of peace,andhappiness in his life and the love that he so despirately seeks. I also pray that he learns patience, and understanding, and trust. As he has not had an easy journey in his life.
For my husband, I pray that he finds strength everyday in going through this.I pray that he doesnt blame others or himself as he has done the best he can to cope with this situation. I pray he finds beauty in each new day and keeps the compassion he's had to learn how to give.
