December 2000-End of the Year

I tried to keep up with the "hectic" holiday pace of shopping and
cooking etc. Most of the shopping was quite an experience in itself.
Made me realize that the isles need to be larger (for
wheelchairs etc)and people need to look down as to not run me over!
Nevertheless, I managed to help select various things
that Santa would bring to my Granddaughter (age 9)
and my teen daughter along with the other family members.

With my husband being on lay-off during the holidays, things were tight.
While most of my friends and family members are busy
with working etc, I decided to take holiday cookie jars and fill them
with various cookies and brownies etc as I realize they dont have much
time with all their obligations to make their own. After quite a few days
of trying to keep my family members out of the cookies (haha), my
few dozen naps in between, I accomplished some wonderful things to
fill these cookie jars with. With some presents under the tree, and managing to
cook for an army for 2 days, I was ready for the Christmas Season.

Although being thoroughly exhausted, I was very proud of myself as I watch
the kids open presents and the goodies I made be devoured!
I told my family that I would like to attend Christmas Eve midnight mass.
This is another feat that I couldnt accomplish last year. So on to church I went.
My family was great as they escourted me to receive communion as I was
so afraid of falling and making a total jerk of myself in the middle of the
busiest mass of the year.By the time mass was over,
I could barely hold the prayerbook but was glad I was able to attend.

I got home, climbed into bed and thanked God for the accomplishments I
was able to push myself to make. Christmas morning, it hit me like a ton
of bricks. I realized I had pushed myself to the point of total exhaustion.
I spent Christmas Day in pajamas\robe and slept most of the afternoon.
I had skipped my weekly shot of meds as I didnt want to be sick
over Christmas weekend. By this point, I was feeling the effects of overdoing it
and was resorting to serious pain medication just to finish the holiday
weekend. A few days later, after everything was cleaned up.... reality hit for me.

My tremors are pretty bad but just like breathing, you dont think about them
much unless your trying to balance peas on a fork or something like that.
They become a part of your everyday routine so to speak.
That is until we decided to sit down and watch the holiday video
of everyone opening their gifts etc.

While sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and watching the kids open presents
(on the video), the camera was then turned to me. Shock and horror
filled my eyes as I watched myself on the tape. I couldnt believe that was me.
Fumbling to open gifts, tremors, and everything I havent seen through the
eyes of others, came crashing down upon me. Tears and sobs overwhemled me as
I watched what a year of MS has done to me. This of course, sent me
into a whirlwind depression that lasted for days. My family tried to
make me remember all the things I had done during Christmas...but somehow the
reality of what this disease has done to me physically, made me forget
the few things I was proud of doing over the holidays.

I turned to my husband and said "my God, no wonder people act like they don't
know me when I see them in the store etc." He asked me why? I said,
looking at the tape, I dont even know what to say. I can't image what
they think when they see me too.The depression got so
bad at this point, that I actually had thoughts of suicide. As I didnt
want to become a bigger burden to my family. I stayed holed up in the house the
rest of the week, as the depression along with the exhaustion got me
to the point of I didnt get out of bed or the couch except to go to
the bathroom. My husband finally talked me into going out for awhile.

As we pulled up to the store to exchange a few things for my daughter, I asked
if he was ever embarrased to be seen with me. (This made me more aware of
stares etc now as I was more self-conscious). He said no, as a matter of factly.
He said people only see me for the outside, and they didnt know me for
the inside and that was the most important side.He grabbed my hand
and walked me into Walmart.

I still don't go out much now. I guess in time I'll get over the video, but
nonetheless, I ask not to be video taped anymore.

With the horrendous physical changes that has happened over the last year, I am truly
afraid of what the "MonSter" will do to me physically and mentally over the upcoming
year. For now, all I can do is take one day at a time. And make sure I
remember those small but major accomplishments I made during that day.

Heres to another year with the MonSter...Happy New Year 2001