The Pie Democracy

Protest is always a tricky business. Whether you're chained to a tree on Vancouver Island, throwing garbage cans through a Starbucks window in Seattle, or trying to stop an oil tanker with a rubber dingy, there's always a good chance you're gonna get arrested. But Evan Brown is not your average protester. He's the guy responsible for the infamous "Pie Minister" incident last August. Today he testified that he "pied the Minister" gently, and he was just trying to draw attention to his cause, yada, yada, yada. And ya know what, he should get off scott free, if only because he demonstrated perfectly what Canadians think of their politicians.

I mean, the guy got within a couple of feet of the leader of our country. Theoretically we should be outraged. But we're not. Why? It's tragic really, but Canadians have become so apathetic towards our leaders that we can't produce even one gun-toting psychopath. And it should be no surprise. I mean it just seems so pointless. Let's say you pull it off. It's barely been ten minutes since you capped Chretien and the next bozo's ready to step up to the plate. No matter how efficient you are, they'll just keep coming, wave after wave of brain-dead egomaniacs ready to take the helm.

Still, the U.S. has no problem producing lunatics, which is ironic, because it's a hell of a lot harder to get near the President. But maybe Canada just produces a more intelligent breed of lunatic that can see the futility of it all. I mean, look at this Brown guy; if he'd used a gun he'd be up for murder one, but instead he used a pie and he's my hero.

And Chretien really was asking for it. He's got three straight majorities. I'm a little tempted to leave a bag of flaming dog crap at his front door myself. That's what we've been reduced to. Canadians can't make a difference. We've got no choice. A pie in the face is the worst thing that's happened to the Liberal party in ten years. What does that say about our democracy? The Liberals have broken at least half of the campaign promises they've made. We've had a cabinet minister make Prince George sound like Mississippi North, the PM is accused of abuse of power, and the government gave out a billion dollars worth of grants without keeping track of what went where. Still, a pie in the face is their greatest embarrassment.

And what can we do? What other choice do we have? Stockwell Day's on the same intellectual level as George W. Bush, Joe Clark was prime-minister-for-a-day twenty years ago, and Alexa McDonough's idea of reaching out to youth is using the word bullshit as much as possible. So it looks like we're gonna be stuck with the Liberals for a while. But don't get discouraged. Just follow in the footsteps of good old Evan Brown. Make prank phone calls to your local constituency office, or go in to use the bathroom and saran wrap the toilet. Maybe you could even send a couple dozen pizzas their way. And if you get arrested, tell 'em torturing politicians is your right, pay the fine, and c'mon over to my place 'cause the drinks are on me.