Inspector Gadget for President

Let's face it, we always knew Bush was a little unbalanced. He doesn't know much about government, or economics, or diplomacy. But he sure knows about politics. Seriously, the guy won the election with a platform that could've been ripped right out of Ross Perot's newsletter. 1.3 trillion dollars in tax cuts, drilling for oil in national parks, abandoning emissions reduction, and the guy's only been at the job for a couple of months. Think what things are gonna be like in four years. Things could get so bad that Canadians will stop laughing and start caring.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when I hear Bush is expelling fifty Russian diplomats, because a couple were handlers for an American FBI agent who started working for the Russians in '85. So why expel another forty-plus people? Did someone forget to tell him the Cold War's over? Did someone leave him in his office without a babysitter? But the Republicans have never really wanted to admit that the Cold War is over. It was a happy time for them. You think Clinton would've been elected in 1982? Me neither. You don't hire a clown for your birthday party when your friends are bringing shotguns. You hire a bodyguard.

And that's what Bush wants to be. He wants to be strong like daddy, standing up to the big bad Iraqis, getting cozy with the Canadians, locking up the homeless. But the guy just can't realize that the Russians aren't a threat. American money is about all that keeps the Russian government from disintegrating. Sure they've got nukes but Boris probably lost the codes during a vodka binge.

So "W", if you want the good old days of the Cold War to return, just keep doing what you're doing. Press ahead with Star Wars and piss off the Russians at every oppourtunity. And if they try to fight back, cut of their funding and watch the commies roll back into Moscow. And if the American dream and the Republican dream come into conflict, then you'd better call daddy 'cause you are in way over your head.