It was strange being in here again. It was like a new take on the old saying. You can take the doctor away from the hospital, but you can't take the hospital away from the doctor. It seemed no matter how hard any of them tried lately, they always ended up in the care of the solemn and thorough Dr. Pavic.
Her tender touch probed the bumbs, bruises and gashes on her husband's face, Doug's nose splinted, his eyes swelled shut. Tearfully, Carol ran her hand down the side of his wired jaw and kissed him softly on the lips.
She had always heard rumours of the brutal beating Luka had put the mugger through. But that was different. That man was threatening his life, his girlfriend. This... Why had he done this!? It was maddening, Doug's face only the beginning of injuries that her husband had suffered and all because he'd had a few drinks with Nikola during his final moments. All because he'd accepted the man's final wishes. "Doug... I love you..."
The only response was his steady breathing, and a slight squeeze of his hand against her own. At least he was alive. "Doug... I'm having the baby. I'm having the baby, and I'm not going to leave you. I'm sorry we got into a fight. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I let this happen. I let you go, when you asked me to go with you. I should have just..." Carol trailed off, wiping her face with her hands and shaking her head.
"I should have stopped you. Fuck Kerry... Fuck it all! We could have found you a job in Chicago... That private practice you were going to go into... We could have found you something. But instead I gave up. I gave you up and that's my fault. You had ever right to move on with your life. You have every right to hate me for not caring. That's why you left me, Doug... I didn't care enough to make you stay with me. I was tired, fed up with all of it, so I let you go."
Doug could do nothing to disagree with her, even though he did wholeheartedly. He was the one with the penis, he was the one that had been sleeping with other women. He had a mind of his own, a willpower. Something had hadn't been using during their ten years of marriage. Weakly he flailed a hand till he slipped it carefully under her shirt, resting it on her belly. Slowly he moved his hand back and forth, stroking the small bulge of flesh that was starting to form. Carol was still carrying around the baby beergut of four kids...
He winced slightly, realizing that the bulge made five kids... Five of them. One more and they'd have a volleyball team. Unless it was twins again. Then they'd have a full volleyball team. If it was triplets, then enough for a volleyball team and one alternate. Maybe they'd win the Olympics. The Ross kids.. Olympic volleyball champions!
However it had been too easy to fall into the category of manslut, too easy to fall into the beds of other women. It had been way too easy to do that instead of staying home and being a father to his children. It took work... Commitment. Some could say he'd been with Carol long enough to know how to commit, but then, he'd been with her since high school, that was a very long time. Still he'd managed to fuck it up, many times over the years, the Ricky Abbott case only one notch in the 'bedpost of failures and mistakes' so-to-speak.
Slowly his hand slipped into her pants, traveling down as it reached the soft smooth nub of flesh, devoid of hair, a finger stroked it slightly and he smiled. "I.. I always wondered. You've kept it clean for me over the years... Cropped, shaved, which was always to both of our benefits. But, what was it like when it grows back? It probably itches a little.."
Carol smiled, her brow cocked. It figured as much. The man was beaten, broken, concussed and bruised and still he only had one thing on his mind. Men! "Well, mister... Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry gets the bright idea to shave his chest??" Doug nodded, a blissful smile on his face as his fingers travelled beneath her jeans.
"Yeah.." Try not to think of Jerry Seinfeld... It'll ruin the mood, just think of... Mmmm.. Doug sighed slightly, his hand reaching its final destination. surrounded by flesh and 100% cotton panties.
"Well just remember that episode, triplicate the itch factor and then transfer the zone of irritation from your chest to your crotch. Then you have it, except it's a little more acceptable for a man to be scratching his chest a little in public than for a woman to be scratching away like she has crabs." Carol chuckled and Doug joined in with a pained smile.
"D-don't do that... Don't make me laugh... Luka busted my ribs, remember?" Doug murmured, snickering to himself.
"Doug, I think we should press charges against him." Carol stared into her hands, the callouses risen and hard from the farmwork over the growing months. A palm slipped to her belly intertwining her fingers with his and she sighed tearfully, her throat constricting and her eyes slipping closed to stem the tears. "He hurt you, he could have killed you. He's a friend, but I can't stand that he did this to you. I can't stand for it."
If Doug's jaw could have dropped, it would have, his mouth gaping in surprise. "Press charges against the old foreign bastard? Are you serious?!" If this had been a few months back, he would have jumped at the chance. But they were all older and wiser for living as they had been on the old farm and Doug let out a deep sigh.
"We can't, Carol. As much as I want to. As much as I REALLY REALLY want to. We shouldn't. He wasn't attacking me. He was doing what so many of our patients families have done over the years. Expressing their grief and surprise and shock in the heat of the moment. He was angry, frightened... He lost yet another family member, and he hadn't seen it coming either. To him this was just another ugly bomb."
"A bomb? The man had lung cancer... He'd been dying for months, we could all see it Doug. It wasn't like he could hide it. Nikola was an old man, and he died and it's not your fault." Carol brushed a hand over her eyes, sweeping away the tears and wiping them on her skirt as she ran a loving hand over her husband's brow.
"I never said it was. I'm just saying, we should leave Luka alone. He's got enough on his plate." Doug murmured softly.
Carol nodded complacently, getting up from the chair that had become her second home, lately. "If you want... If that's what you want, Doug. I'm going to let you get some sleep. I love you..."
Doug watched her go, breathing a slow sigh of relief as she stood, pausing, waiting for him to return the words. A simple, 'I love you too, honey.' But he couldn't. Yes he loved her, to death. But considering the circumstances. The baby. The fact that she'd made up her mind she was having it with or without him. He didn't seem to figure into it anymore.
She'd had the twins without his help. Carol was capable enough, and if she wasn't... Doug snorted, then withdrew a deep intake of breath as the pain hit him again like a tonne of bricks being slammed down onto his chest. If she wasn't capable of doing it on her own, he was certain some well meaning soul like Luka would weasel in and take over. He would become the new saviour. 'Helping that poor single mother, alone in the world. What a nice man, to help a woman so disadvantaged and filled with hardship.' Then they'd wonder where the invisible father was. Some would assume that the man cradling his child WAS the father. But it wouldn't be. It wouldn't be, because Carol wouldn't want him there. Because he'd messed it all up.
As he lay, staring at the ceiling, a nurse came in, murmured a few things in Croatian, picked up his chart, stared at it briefly before adjusting the dosages on the IV bags, adding another, making the notations on the chart and leaving. She smiled at him briefly before exiting and leaving Doug wondering what the rest of them were doing right now. Whether they had forgotten about him laying here in bed. An old song filled his rattled brain, already whirring with the hardships and confusions of the last few months, but the words looped, the tune ingrained and he sighed resignedly letting the tune, drift him off to a restless sleep.
"Once we were lovers, but somehow things have changed. Now we're just lonely people, tryin' to forget each other's names... Now we're just lonely people. Tryin' to forget each other's names..."
Carol... A young nurse, dealing with an overbearing mother. Doug a young doctor dealing with absentee parents. A father, who by now would have ushered his son off out the door with his blessing. He was at an age where relying on his parents wasn't an option anymore. Except he never had the chance to rely on his father for anything. The only one he relied on was himself. 'Doug Ross is the only one you can count on, buddy.' He'd mutter to himself, and he was certain that he was right. Until Carol caught him as he fell.
They'd gone to high school together. Dated. Were a clique of sorts with Mark, double dated when Mark had met Jenn in College. It was a sort of given that the four of them would always be together. It was in high school that Carol had called him on his drinking, he'd taken it as friendly nagging. Ray throwing money at him instead of love and cases of beer seemed to be a good thing to spend it on as anything.
"What came between us? Maybe we were just too young to know, but now and then I feel the same, and sometimes at night I think I hear you calling my name. Mmm-hmm-mmm these dreams They keep me going these days."
It was a drunken binge followed by bringing some cheerleaders home that had been the straw that broke the camel's back. At least the first time. She'd never truly looked at him the same since that night. Walking into the bedroom. THEIR bedroom, littered with bottles and reeking of alcohol. It had taken one look at the two pairs of legs under the sheets to realize what was up and she was out the door. But she always came back, unable to cope without him, a drunken Ross was better than none at all.
"Once we were lovers, but that was long ago. We lived together then and now we do not even say hello. We lived together then and now we do not even say hello."
Over the years things were forgiven, infidelities on both sides of the fence. Mistakes made, near marriages and relationships with others thwarted and avoided. Although, Doug reasoned, despite Shep going off the deep end after Raoul dying, he had been a pretty decent guy. Down home, well meaning. Just a little rough around the edges. At least he'd never cheated on her. Then Seattle... Then the wedding. Mark had flown down, with Elizabeth. It had been nice, having the two of them there. Mark had cornered him after the ceremony. He'd wanted to know if everything was alright. Doug had assured him everything was fine. And why wouldn't things be fine. He had a beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters, and a beautiful secretary which he fucked in his office every Thursday. Of course the excuses varied. What could a person be doing EVERY Thursday like clock-work that could be so important? But Carol had become way too patient and trusting over the years, if she'd suspected anything, she hadn't said a word. But she knew...
Doug thought to himself often. How could she not? Carol wasn't a stupid woman. The words between them became fewer and far between. The two kids after Tess and Kate were a formality at best. Living in a nice little burb of Seattle by the shore, you had to keep up appearances. So Terri was born. Then they returned to County, again having to keep up appearances for appearances' sake, Sam was born. The cigars had been passed around, a son to carry on the Ross name, but hopefully not the Ross's wandering ways. Everyone was joyous and now nearly five years since they'd started avoiding sleeping in the same bed, Carol was pregnant again.
"What came between us? Maybe we were just too young to know. But now and then. I feel the same, And sometimes at night I think. I hear you calling my name....."
****
"Halo?" She picked up the phone, wrapping the cord around her fingers absently as she waited for somebody to say something. "Halo?" Crank calls had become common place lately. Boys from school tormenting her daughter, Andri. She had contemplated getting the number changed and unlisted but Janko wouldn't hear of it. How he could be so ignorant of his daughter's well-being, she'd never understand, but, she reasoned. He's male. He'd never understand it. Sighing deeply, she prepared herself to give the boys a piece of her mind.
"JA prizeljkivanje te ce cepljenje glasovan ovdje. JA htijenje telefon skole i naprodikovati tvoj roditelji. Imam pozvati prepoznavanje!" Her voice shook with anger and fear, but it seemed usually when you called them on it, they stopped phoning.
It had been simple threats, threatening to phone their parents, the school. Even asking them politely to stop calling. She sighed sadly, it never worked, why would her pleas work now? As she prepared to hang up the phone, the voice on the other end startled her. A voice she hadn't heard in twenty years, somebody that she was certain she'd never hear from again, and now...
"Nat?" Luka looked at the phone in his hand. She was going to phone his parents? What had she been smoking? "Jesu te sve je u redu? Natalia? It's me.. Are you all right? It's Luka... Luka Kovac.." He waited for her to hang up in his ear or scream at him or something, instead, she started to cry.
"Your father's died, Natalia... Something's happened... Nikola, he's... Honey, he's gone... We have to make arrangements, I think you should come up..." Luka paused, the tears choking him as he listened to the sobs on the other end of the phone.
"Where are you!? I don't hear from you in twenty years and you phone me up and tell me that my father is dead? What gives you the right to interfere? Just because once upon a time you were married to my sister? You leave, you don't call, you don't write and suddenly you phone me up? Who gave you the right?!" Natalia screamed into the phone, the use of english almost a faint memory, but she still seemed to be able to cut him down a few notches.
"My-my uncle died, I came back to make funeral arrangements and sell off the farm." Luka stammered, taken aback at his sister-in-law's anger. "I'm sorry, Nat. He... We had become close over the past few months. He died among friends." He reassured her, looking up from the kitchen table and out the window, trying to forget that the man at his feet was growing colder by the minute. The fun and games had stopped outside, it looked like Carol and Abby had taken to gardening, weeding the bed and planting annuals... They'd look nice come next spring. He sighed raggedly and turned his attention back to the matter at hand.
"MONTHS!?" She screamed in disbelief. "You bastard, you were here for months, with my father behind my back, never thought to phone? You know what that man did to us?! You DO know, you saw what he'd done to Danijela! You know he disowned her because of you. You remember that don't you? You can't have forgotten."
"I didn't forget, I was angry at first, but that was over twenty years ago, Nat." Luka snapped at her angrily before emitting a deep sigh and murmuring comfortingly into the receiver. "There are some things you have to forgive. He was old and foolish, but he needed companionship now instead of hatred. Sometimes you have to forgive. You never got that chance and that's not my fault. It's yours, you were the one who hid away with the perfect family. How is Janko by the way?" Luka finished acidly.
"He's fine... So what do you want me to do about this?" She retorted, tempted to hang up on him and forget it all-together.
"Come to Zagreb. Come and bury your father."
******
"So what are we supposed to do again? Aren't we supposed to report a dead body? Are we supposed to just leave him there? Can't we cover him up or something?" Carter sighed, hanging in the doorway looking at the old man, laying under the dinnertable. Yep, he was dead all right.
"The authorities will be here soon, Carter..." Luka muttered coldly, slowly rising from beside the body. "You can leave now. Not that you've done anything to help in the first place." The man asked too many questions, and he's done nothing but bitch and get in the way since he's got here! Luka thought angrily.
"Whoa!! Man, take it easy. I haven't done anything wrong. Don't go punching me out now... Unlike Ross, I'll punch you back. I don't give a flying fuck if Nikola died. It doesn't give you the right to go beating people to a bloody pulp. I hope they press charges against you Kovac..." John Carter growled at him, turning on his heel and leaving the house, slamming the door on his way out.
Abby watched him go and let out a low whistle. "Who put the Ex-lax in HIS wheaties this morning?" She sighed softly, the air slowly whistling through her teeth. "Jesus..." The nurse/resident muttered as she watched him storm off. "What crawled up his ass?"
"Me... I'm the next generation of tapeworm, but twice as deadly." Luka muttered, sitting at the kitchen table stirring the thick brew, his gaze staring intently at the light glinting off the spoon. "I phoned Natalia about her father." He spoke softly, the hate-filled words still reverberating in his head, although he wasn't sure what he'd expected. Natalia being happy and relieved that Nikola, the man who had split up the Stejpan household was rooming with the boy who had split a daughter from a father. Luka sighed, it must have been a little too much to take.
"Is she coming down?" Abby set herself down in a chair beside him, her hand on her belly. "She is coming isn't she?" Slowly her hand crept across the table, her fingers intertwining with his. "Honey?" Luka looked up from his coffee, his hand jerking away. A startled look crossed his face, darkening his eyes as he abruptly stood up and pushed back from the table.
"I'm going for a walk." Luka grunted, grabbing his coat off the back of his overturned chair before stomping out.
"Luka!?" She called out to him, but he was already gone. "Dammit." Nobody to go after him now, nobody to rouse him from a fitful, nightmare-filled sleep on gravestones. The one who had cared and understood was gone. The one who had truly understood a life of pain, loss and loneliness was dead.
As he slipped down into a sitting position along the rickety stone wall that enclosed the small farm acreage, the only noise that cut through the silence being the far off ticking of the sprinklers on the lawn; remnants of the summer fun from only a few hours ago. It seemed like years. "Luka? Is that you?"
It was the last person he expected to be standing there, but at this point, being alone didn't seem like such a hot idea. He'd spent so many hours alone, to have somebody near, to comfort, would be nice. But still, it was odd, and caused him to grow angrier, and resentful that they'd dared to shatter his solitude.Without looking up he grunted bitterly, "Who in the fuck wants to know?"
"You tell me to come and then swear at me when I show up? That's just about typical for you, Kovac..." She replied cooly. "What in the hell are you doing out here anyway? Your new wife said you had gone for a walk... She is your wife isn't she? She sure is pregnant..." Natalia muttered watching her former brother-in-law's expression. "Nikola... Where is he?"
"We didn't move him... He's still under the kitchen table." He replied, staring at his hands, and up at the cool summer breeze sifting through the field grasses. "I figured we'd wait for the police." She looked just like Dani... The twenty years that had passed had treated her kindly, her chestnut hair, swept back into a clip, peppered with grey streaks, the big brown eyes tired but full of anger and sorrow. Danijela's had always been filled with love, even after her father had struck her that day, they'd resonated love and confusion. That was the only difference, the coldness of Dani's sister's eyes. They'd lost their spark.
"You called the police!" Natalia struck him angrily with an open hand, hitting him across the face. "You bastard! What did you do to him!?"
"It's standard practice in all deaths, Nat... The police and coroner must come. I didn't do anything wrong. They always come..." He sighed and shook his head. His hand rubbing his reddened cheek and looking at her woefully. "It's okay. Trust me."
"You aren't the only one to have lost someone in the war... Dani was my sister. She may have been your wife, but she was my blood. She was a part of me, and I've learned to move on, I have a family, I am happy. My father was a memory, and something that I'd rather forget and you had to bring it up again. This is all your fault."
"He was your father..." Luka said softly, his expression growing more pained as she glared at him. "You should help with his burial. He loved you, he gave you life."
"So what if he gave life to me? That doesn't make him a father, that makes him a sperm donor. Shall we go and help bury David Crosby too when he dies? Make it a big party." Natalia slurred sarcastically, her voice thick with emotion. "There's a difference between him and my sister. They were both blood, but I loved Dani. I never ever loved Nik. Not after what I saw him do to her. Of all people, I'd think you'd understand that."
"Nat..."
"Shut up. You of all people should understand what he had done to her. But you don't care, do you? He sent her running into your arms. My father did you a favour. You and him... Both of you, you split up my family." She looked up to see the flashing lights of the cruiser and watched Luka rise to his feet, the sharp words momentarily forgotten, slipping from memory. "Should we go?"
"I think you should make yourself a little presentable at least..." Luka said scornfully, grabbing the bottle of liquor she had clenched in her fist. "And get rid of this."
"That's mine!" It was a howl, not a statement of truth. Certainly her brother-in-law had the bottle in his hand, but the anguish and dismay as her fingers slipped away from the cool glass neck. Her throat already growing raw with the burn, but still longing for the numbness that it gave her... The numbing ability to forget everything.
"You're drunk... You're in no shape to be confronting police, let me do the talking," he said quietly as they walked across the field. Luka pausing for a moment to toss the bourbon into some bushes.
"Let you do the talking? He's my father. You told me to come up here and handle this, I will." She retorted woundedly as Natalia watched him throw the bottle into the woods. "That was your uncle's. You have no right to be throwing it away like that."
"I don't care Natalia... You have no right to be drinking it." Luka murmured tiredly. "Just be quiet. I'll tell them what happened."
****
"So you found him like this in the kitchen? You haven't moved him?" Danko Zeljkovic muttered with a thick Croatian accented english, jotting notes on his pad.
"Not exactly." Luka murmured, watching the man's head snap up and stare at him. "One of my colleagues was here when he died."
"and where is he now?" The detective muttered, his interest piqued. "He should be here to answer questions as well."
"In the hospital." Luka grunted angrily, his hands balling into fists again. "I knocked some sense into him."
"Pardon me?"
"We had a fight. The death of Mr. Stepjan came as a shock... I was in shock, I..." Luka slumped into a chair, staring at the white sheet draped over the body and started to tremble. "It's okay... He's okay... He's not pressing charges." Slowly he looked up at Carol who stood in the doorway, her head hung and her arms wrapped around herself. She eyed him bitterly, her lips pursed, but saying nothing. Carefully she ran a thumbnail under her fingernails to clean them of the garden soil and kept her eyes focused on the flecks of dirt that fell onto the floor. On the floor next to the body.
"Until we do an autopsy, we can't be certain, but it's quite possible that he had a heart attack." Zeljkovic announced not just to Luka, but to the people who had slowly gathered in the room. "That's our preliminary findings anyway. Where do we find your... Friend? We would like to ask him a few questions."
"The Holy Mother. It's downtown... I can come with you, right?" Carol finally spoke after standing silent in the corner for the better part of almost an hour.
"Certainly, Madame..." The group watched as Danko lead Carol out the door and to his squad car and looked at each other before getting back to business.
"I have to finish up that flowerbed..." Abby said idly as she watched the coroner and police load the body onto a gurney and into a body bag. "I better get that finished..."
"I'll help you," Elizabeth announced, marching quickly after her as Abby walked briskly to the back of the house.
"I should probably try to finish that sign..." Mark said absently. "I don't suppose you want to help, Luka?" he said looking at Luka and Natalia, who had walked off into the livingroom. "I can do it myself I guess.." He muttered loudly to himself, looking up to find himself nose-to-nose with Carter. Startled, Mark stumbled back a couple inches and swallowed nervously. "Carter... Did you want something?"
"Yeah, I'll help."
Greene sighed, rubbing a hand over his head and closing his eyes. Carefully he removed his glasses and began to clean them, to avoid looking Carter in the eye. "It's okay. I can do it myself. Why don't you ask Peter if he has anything he'd like you to do?"
The younger man's eyes narrowed to slits. "Why don't you just say it, Greene!? Christ! Luka has... Abby has. Why not you!? Why not tell me I'm useless and I've been in the way ever since I got here!?" However, Carter's pained expression and soulful eyes didn't sway Mark.
"Don't pull that self pity crap on me now, Carter. We've both been through too much shit over the last few months, the last few years without you making mountains out of molehills. You've helped a lot, don't make it out like you haven't." Mark snapped angrily. "I don't need your help right now. Go ask Peter."
****
"Has it always stuck like this? Dave muttered pulling on the swollen oak door, trying to shut it. "I'll get the plane later and fix it..." He slipped to the steps in front of the house, tentatively pulling Kerry closer to him. She smiled faintly and put his arm around her shoulders.
"It's the weather... The wood swells in the humidity. You've never had a door do that before?" She murmured, snuggling against his chest, resting her head against his shoulder. A slight tingle rushing through her body as Malucci's hand stroked her back. "Wood swells."
"It certainly does..." Dave said with a grin, shifting a little on the stoop, his jeans tightening in the groin area. "I've never had a door do that, but I guess that's what I get for living in apartments with those metal doors. I guess it keeps me from being attacked by a psychotic ax murderer or something. Wouldn't have to worry about him smashing down the door."
"Ax murderers... Only you Malucci would take into account the attacks of ax murderers when looking for an apartment." Kerry said with a small smile. "But I guess that means you're ready for anything, right?"
"As ready as one can be, I guess..." Dave said nonchalantly as he pulled a condom from his pocket and jumped his lady-fair like a sexually deprived bull elephant.
****
"I never meant for us to grow apart like this, you're family. You're all I have left and I cut myself off from it." Luka sighed, slumped onto the couch, his head in his hands. "I haven't been back here in years. I was scared. I was scared that nothing had changed. I was scared that I'd come back and it'd be just as shell-shocked and empty as when I left. I came back to sell a farm, I never expected any of this. My colleagues came here expecting cool country breezes and lemonade stands run by neighbourhood children, but instead it's been blood and carnage from day one. It follows me, I can't get away from it."
"Blood and carnage? You found a woman who loves you, who's expecting your child, two of your friends have reconciled, and some have found love in places they thought they'd never find it. There isn't carnage here, it's a new beginning. You've risen from all this, Luka. You're the Phoenix. You've risen from the ashes and flames. You mocked me for finding the perfect life. I'd say yours comes damned close to it." Natalia moved closer to him, pulling him into an embrace. "I love you, brother. I always will."