"Bullets and Polish Whores."
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Doug sat in the car, drumming impatiently on the steering wheel with his fingers. Where in the hell did they go? It'd serve them right if he just went grocery shopping without them. Pickled pigs feet and cabbage rolls. Not that he minded cabbage rolls, his mom used to make decent rolls from what he could remember. He hadn't seen his mother in so long, it was time he paid her a visit, the whole thing with his dad, ending on such a denouement. Poof.. Just like that, Ray Ross was dead. It didn't seem plausible even now. Was his father the reasons for his infidelities? Was he cut from the same cloth? Destined to wander the planet, ruining relationship, after relationship, sleeping with stewardesses.. Oh.. Sorry. Female Flight Attendants. Doug sighed. They were still stewardesses to Ray, always were, he was a man of scotch, jazz, hotel bars and stewardesses, there was no political correctness for him.
Luka really did care for Carol, and he could still see the pain in the man's eyes when he looked at her. She'd really done a number on the bastard, even after all these years. Even after he dated Abby and pledged himself to her. Abby and Luka.. They were both horribly neurotic and sometimes it scared him, wondering if the next gurney that rolled in would be Abby or Luka, clinging to life when one had snapped and tearfully hacked the other one to bits.
Doug had seen the petty fights between them, the little niggling arguments over nothing, as if somebody higher than them, the powers that be, all had a better plan. To stick them with temporary meaningless partners till they decided what was better. But Doug could see, despite everything, the two of them were meant for each other, nobody else could withstand the crap the two put each other through.
Doug looked up from the dash and saw Nikola leading a pale and stumbling Luka and a bright-eyed Abby from the hospital. What in the hell? Quickly, he hopped out to help the taller man into the truck. "What happened?"
"W-what happennned? She... I.." Luka mumbled, slurring his words, shaking his head, leaning heavily on the palsied and old frame of Nikola.
"Abby and Luka are pregnant." Nikola deadpanned, which caused Luka's eyes to bulge slightly from their sockets, as he turned to throw up in the planters that sat on the sidewalk outside the hospital.
"Ahh.. I'd recognize the shock of a new Dad anywhere.." Doug said with a smirk. "Congratulations Luka." Congratulations.. Congratulations on earning sleepless nights filled with diapers and crabby babies and crabby mothers and breast pumps and constant on the hour nightly bottle feedings and buying sleepers seemingly every day because you'd blink and the baby would be popping out of the one you'd just bought last week. Congratulations to the world of the joyful announcement where the guys would pass around cigars all secretly pitying you and the loss of freedom. The loss of manhood. The loss of free time, the loss of sanity. Congratulations on switching the tie and pipe for the frilly apron and dishtowel slung over your shoulder which is already covered in baby vomit, with a child clutching your leg and screaming for Mom because she's at work, and you stupidly said. "It's okay I'll watch the kids." Doug smiled. "Congratulations Luka."
Luka nodded, crashing to his knees and hugging the planter, covering the petunias and marigolds in a thick viscous layer of what he had for breakfast.
"Great aim, Luka.. Perhaps we should go before the hospital employees come out and find you messing up their flower bed." Nikola said kindly, helping the man to his feet. This was a joyous occasion, well. For them anyway. The grandchild would not be his.. A part of him would consider it his. Luka was like a son, and it was now that he realized that the boy was always good enough for his daughter, it just took for Danijela to die and ten years to pass for him to discover that.
"Where's Carter?" Doug asked as he grabbed Luka's other arm and put him in the truck. He looked around. One pukey doctor, one beaming nurse-medstudent, an ex-father in law, but no rich bleeding doctor. His heart rose in his throat. "Is he...?" Doug swallowed, his complexion paling.
"They're keeping him in overnight. They said they had your credit card number on file and that should cover it." Nikola muttered, walking Abby to his car.
"They what?" Doug cocked a brow, patting his jeans for his wallet. His credit card? Was it from the hospital stay from earlier? It had to be. Carol must have used his card. But how did she get it?
"He has a concussion.. They're observing him for the night." Nikola said tiredly. Was the man deaf? He walked arthritically to the driver's side door and got in. "Come on, we'll get some groceries. I will pay."
"Noo.. I mean.. I know they're observing him for the night. What about my credit card?" Doug said, the pitch of his voice increasing as he got more frantic. How had they gotten his credit card?!
"Forget about it, Dr.Doug." Nikola said with a smile, why the desk had referred to him as that he wasn't sure, but it was cute. "Let's go get groceries." He watched Doug's brow furrow, knit with anger.
Dr. Doug!? Malucci! The bastard.. Must have used it to take care of Weaver. God knows what he'd run up on his card. Wait till he got his hands on him, he'd be screaming for mercy upon himself, and his future wife and children. Doug grit his teeth and hopped into the truck, his arm hanging out of the window and waving the caravan of vehicles along.
***
"Milk, bread, eggs, butter, pasta, tomatoes, hamburger, wine, oats, sugar, flour, cheese, celery, mushrooms, tomato sauce, kidney beans, tortillas, 24 case of beer.." Doug looked over at Dave who shrugged, a grin from ear to ear.
"Thanks!" Dave smiled nervously, Doug had been glaring at him ever since they had gotten home from grocery shopping. He wondered if Ross still held a grudge for kissing Carol at the airport. The guy really did have to get over himself.
"I didn't get it for you," Luka grunted morosely from the chair in the living-room, grabbing a warm bottle from the crate and cracking it open. He gulped noisily, the beer spilling and foaming past his lips and down his cheeks, dripping off the end of his chin like a hops-and-barley-beard. Pulling the bottle away, he belched loudly and began sucking it again like a new born calf on a bottle of milk.
"Vanilla ice cream, pickles, marinara sauce, capers, sardines, anchovies, pickled oysters, pickled eggs, pickled beets..." Abby laughed gleefully, grabbing the newly unpacked jars and containers that Doug put out on the counter and sat at the kitchen table, making herself a sundae while Peter turned green and jetted upstairs to the bathroom.
"Garlic, french onion soup, french bread, basil, oregano, leg of lamb, mint, baby back ribs, barbeque sauce, brown sugar, salt, pepper and a case of shotgun pellets." Doug slammed down the box of bullets and glared at Malucci. "Dr.Doug.. I'm gonna give you a count to ten to get your ass out of here before I start chasing you with Drzislav's rifle. I remind you, I am very much in shape, I may be older than you, kid, but I can still shoot from a 100 yards. So you better start running."
Dave looked sickly at the man. Shoot him? Because he fixed Chief at the hospital? He was just helping, did it matter that he didn't have any credit cards that weren't maxed to the hilt? He was just doing what he thought was best. Bastard. Came back from Seattle after running away with his tail between his legs... Then he came here on the coat-tails of Luka.. Causing trouble every step of the way. Doug should have been proud to have helped Weaver instead of waving a gun in his face. Ungrateful bastard. Punching Luka.. Waving rifles.. Wrecking perfectly good food. The guy was a meddlesome, troublesome asshole.
The group, (minus Elizabeth and Mark who were still going at it like rabbits upstairs, and Peter who was puking his guts out due to the thought of another can of pickled beets in the house.) watched as Doug, walked to the closet where Luka had stashed the gun after euthanizing Tonto. All licking dry, parched lips, and holding growling stomachs as they watched him load the rifle.
As he cocked the gun, Kerry finally paused the movie. (of course paused right when Tom was climbing naked into bed and a small glimpse of Tom Junior was visible) "Doug. Don't. Put down the gun."
Doug glared at her, raising it, so it was aimed at her head. "Don't what, Kerry?? Shoot you?" His voice rattled in his dry throat, every instance of saliva suddenly evaporated. He ran a dry sandpapery tongue over his teeth and steadied the sight. Of course he'd spend his golden years in prison, but it'd be worth it. Everyone dreamed of shooting Kerry Weaver between the eyes. Now he had the chance. The woman was nothing but a pain in the ass. He was certain she'd jumped on that land-mine.. Just so she could get to be the center of attention. As usual. If it wasn't her on-again-off-again lesbianisms, it was her big mouth. The woman didn't know when to shut up. Oh well, he'd shut her up. For good.
"Ross.. I.." Kerry paled, clutching a throw pillow that lay on the couch. After all this.. All the suffering, the near death experiences, the losing of two soul-mates in a lifetime and finding a third, she'd be killed by an egotistical, psychotic pediatrician with a Elmer-Fudd complex.
"Don't shoot Chief!" Dave squawked, lunging for the gun, tipping the barrel skyward as a bullet whizzed through the ceiling.
"What in the fuck do you think you're doing!" Doug yelled, throwing the rifle down. "You idiot. You could have gotten somebody killed!"
***********
Mark lay still ontop of Elizabeth, his breaths coming in short terrified snorts. One minute he was straddling his wife, pushing into her as she moaned, screamed and trembled. The next, the floor exploded and something zipped past them and lodged itself in the rafters above them. "E-Elizza-Lizzabuth..." He slurred, the saliva in his mouth curdling to a sour goo.
She glared at him, smacking him across his skinny, hairy chest. "You idiot, I told you to wear the cock ring. You're always coming too fast and then you're as limp as my Uncle Lewis."
Mark looked at her, his eyes still wide with terror, but now blurred with confusion. Elizabeth did her uncles back in England? ewwww. "Your uncle Lewis?" He said quietly, peering at the quarter-sized hole in the floor and wondering if it was going to explode again. "Elizabeth did you-"
"Shut up and fuck me Mark.." She said angrily, grabbing his penis in her hand and pumping it furiously, trying to get the little man, at least to a medium size. "Come on Mark.. I can't do this all myself you know.."
Mark stared off into space, his mind filled with her 4-foot nothing Uncle Lewis, with the bad teeth and pompadour hair and the coke bottle glasses. Shuddering, he blinked with glassy eyes, a thin line of drool, passing his lips. Elizabeth did her uncle.. Closing his eyes, he thrust, trying to think of Elizabeth doing it with somebody other than Lewis.. Elizabeth doing it with... Kerry.. Kerry, and Deb Chen.. A smile crossed his lips. Kerry, Deb Chen, that slut Anna DelAmico, Chuni, Carol.. All in a vat of butterscotch pudding. He sighed happily and he could hear Elizabeth encouraging him.
"Good boy, Mark.. Let me get a condom.."
*****
"I could have gotten somebody killed?!" Spat Dave angrily. "You were the dumbfuck who was waving a gun around. Not me.."
"I wasn't planning to shoot you or Kerry.." Doug snarled. "I just wanted you to shit your pants. That's all. I know what you did with my card. You had no right and you know what, Malucci?" The barrel was aimed perfectly between the Italian's brown eyes and Doug smiled bitterly.
"You're going to pay for what you did."
"No.. Come on, Doug, honey.. Please don't. He's a sweet guy, he was only trying to help Weaver." Carol pleaded with him as Doug lowered the gun, put the safety on and proceeded to open the chamber and empty the bullets onto the floor.
"He's going to be baby-sitting our kids till they reach college age. For free. He will pay back every cent he ran up on my card, Carol. Every penny." He grunted, walking to the closet and putting the gun back.
His breath heavy and quick through his nose, he smiled at his wife. "All this gun talk has gotten me excited honey.." Doug smiled, gesturing to his pants, a large bulge pulsating and straining against his jeans. "Come on.. Let's go upstairs and shoot off a few rounds."
Carol giggled, grabbing his hand as they shed their clothing, running up the stairs. Luka sighed pitifully and stared off out the window. Now that he'd knocked up Abby.. Carol and him could never be together. It wasn't plausible. There'd never be Luka and Carol ever again. Damned little Polish whore. She'd probably poked holes in the condom.
"Luka.. Congratulations.." The clap on the back and cheery old voice brought him back to reality. Nikola beamed at him, ruffling the man's hair. "Going to be a father again. Must be exciting."
Luka nodded slowly. "It's very exciting, Nik. I can't wait." He said morosely, rising from the chair and walking to the kitchen, the food spread out on the counters and he smiled slightly. "I'll make dinner. Is lasagna and garlic bread okay with everyone?"
Abby looked up from her sundae, her lips red with beet juice, looking eerily more like the Polish whore she really was. Her lips smacking messily and she smiled, her teeth pink. "I'm fine here, honey, but you go ahead." She smiled, swirling in more marinara sauce, and licking the spoon.
Luka shuddered. At least it wasn't chocolate covered anchovies and grasshoppers, like Dani had been so enthused with. Fish, chocolate and bugs had no business being on the same table.
Swallowing back his revulsion at the goings-on's at the table, he turned, packing away the groceries and setting out what he'd need for dinner. Women were definitely strange.