If Your Time Hasn’t Come, Swim To It

By Hannah Cheeseman A.K.A. gregs_girl666

I sat alone, Well not really alone with the cat too. All these thoughts spinning round in my head. It all my fault. The explosion. I could have killed us all, I wouldn’t have forgiven my self if Sarah was hurt. Never. I watcher every day. Standing flirting with Grissom. She loves him not me. Nobody has ever liked me. When I was in High School I was bullied. I would spend my lunch ours hiding in Mr. MacKinesses Chemistry Lab. Not wanting to come out. They would stand round the corner. Everyday guaranteed. For no reason. Even Nick thins I am weird. I cant cope anymore. I’ve had my heart broken several times to many. I should have given up long ago. Any one else would have. What’s the point of living a life like hell, hopping things will get better because even when you die you go to hell. Where everything is just as bad. My father should have finished the job every time he beat me. Killed me then and left me to die I would be better in hell alone with no one to hurt me. This world is full of fascist basterds who don’t give a [censored] for any one else. I want to end it now. Right hear. Searching round the house I find a Full bottle of 50 anti-depressants, a bottle of vodka. But first I take my knife, the one I have kept with me every day. Weather at school or at work and even at home. I hold it in my hand, takings its sharp point I drag it hard and slowly across my flesh. Cutting deeply I feel as if I can crying, all my emotions bleeding away…my final cut…my final cry. You are too late to save me. I down the pills one but one letting the concoction of alcohol and anti-depressants take hold. Before I die I am taking time to wish you all a good life, Sarah I hope you and Grissom are happy. I hope you Nick are happy too. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from you all is to trust your instincts and don’t totally relay on the evidence.
Good bye and may God if he exists bless you all
Greg x x x x x

If Your Time Doesn’t Come, Swim To It.

Chapter two,

“Can I get everyone’s attention please, I have some bad news.” Grissom asked every one walked in to the break room
“Well spill it!” said Nick
“Last night Greg committed suicide.” there was stunned silence in the room.
“How?” Nick asked, his eyes nearly spilling over, Nick sniffed, trying to hide his pain.
“He, slit his wrested and OD on anti-depressants.” Grissom said looking at the floor.
“I need the loo” Nick said simply running off to the men’s room.

Nicks POV

I slam the door behind me, I have to lean heavily against the wall for support, Why, Why did he do it. He seemed so happy, he was the life of this place. Kept us from going insane or was it us who made him insane? Greg what were you thinking. I was never a good friend. I was never there. The door opened, It was Grissom what the hell did he want now.

Normal POV

“You okay?” Grissom asked
“Do I look it” nick snapped before realising it.
“I wouldn’t expect you to be. Look I’m just going up to Greg’s flat. You know what needs to be done.”
“Can I come?” Grissom was a bit taken aback by Nicks request.
“are you sure?”
“Yeh.”
“Okay I’ll meet you in 10 minutes out side.”
If Your Time Doesn’t Come, Swim To It
Chapter3
Grissom’s POV

I sat in the car waiting for Nick. I could not explain or comprehend what has happened. I’m just sitting here. The rain lashes out side, noting our of reach of the wind, tossing and turning everything. The water trickles down the wall I’m facing. Like tears down a cheek or blood room a wound.

Greg had a pain none of us could see, I’m now just left with one question. Why? Why would Greg do such a thing and why do I feel as if its raining in my head. I just don’t understand. It is as is I don’t know my self anymore.

I see my first case again. The suicide of a 14 year old girl. Her life was just beginning just like Greg’s. Just like Greg she OD. Just like Greg she was in pain. Just like Greg she self-harmed and just like Greg no one noticed.

I hate my self. If only I had noticed, taken a little but more care. Been a little bit more, vigilant I would have noticed and been able to do something about it. I can not help but blame myself. Seeing what he was turning in to. I could have stopped him, helped him. In hindsight I could see al the signs. The way he would scratch his arms till they bled. The way he would disappear out the Lab for long periods at a time then would be silent all nigh. If only I had picked up on it.

Yet the phrase haunts me. “If only” If only I had done this. If only I had done that. My eyes sting relentlessly but I refuse to cry. Maybe if I had noticed I would have been able to help him…maybe…maybe I would be able to make it up to him. I’d listen to him crack the a bad joke, his sense of humour allays made me laugh but Id never show it. I take out the letter he left behind with his body. His final thoughts, the only insight to a hurting mans mind. I can’t help but be guilty did he do it because if my relationship with Sarah. I never realised that my actions could hurt some one so much.

I read, no skim the words he had wrote, my hand shakes but none of the words register in my brain until I see his signature. The last bit of the old Greg left. The star small but visible after his name instead of a full stop. I always wondered why he did it. I always thought it was his personality or habit but it was to give us the small impression that he was happy.

Greg still had everything ahead of him. Next month he was due to go out in the field after he got his graduation stuff though and his dissertation approved by the board and got his PhD. Sure he was a joker and messed about sometimes but he is the most enthusiastic and observant CSI I have ever met. I cant help but think what a loss it is that we have not only lost a friend by a another intelligent man has been taken from the universe. I can see Nick coming, his tear stained face hidden behind a hood. Visibly shaking and I wonder if this is a good idea. I quickly fold away the letter away in my pocket. Now is not the best time to tell Nick about this. I’ve never really been good with tact.

“Are you sure you want to come?” I ask nick. He nodded silently he pulls his seatbelt across his body and clicking it in place. I start the car an pull out of the car park. I flip the switch beside my steering wheel and the windscreen wipers flip across too and fro sliding the accumulated water of the screen. Some thing tell me today is going to be a long and hard day. I hope I am wrong.