Well I can't predict what they'll say or how they'll react, we're all different and we all have different types of relationships with our parents. I can only go on what I've seen so far, which is that to some people, the fear and dread of their parents' reaction has been enough alone to stop them from seeking the treatment they need.
Some transsexuals who have children of their own fear that their parents may attempt to have these children taken away from them. And I'd like first of all to reassure all transsexual parents that provided that you are responsible and able parents and do not abuse, neglect or mistreat your children in any way at all, then there is no legal way in this country for your parents or anyone else to have your children taken away from you, regardless of whether you are transsexual or not. Transsexuality in and of itself is not a legal reason for a person to be pronounced an unsuitable parent. So long as your children are clean, content, in regular attendance at school, well nourished and reasonably well behaved (ie. not in trouble with the police or being expelled from school) then your parents or anyone else, no matter how vindictive they are, will not be able to have them taken away from you. In order for someone's children to be taken away, that person has to be proven to be an unfit parent by failing to satisfy one or more of the criteria above.
Another fear that stems from the potential reaction of ones parents is the fear of rejection, being disowned. I've conducted polls on many internet forums worldwide, and the results show that of all those who took part, over 80% of the people who told their parents what they were doing from the beginning ended up with full support from their parents. The common element these people seem to share is that they approached their parents calmly, armed with something like a book or a print-out from a website explaining transsexual syndrome in black and white, and they answered patiently any questions that were asked and reassured their parents that it was not their fault or anyone else's. These people also seem to have approached the issue with maturity and confidence, firmly resolute (and communicating this resolution to the parents) that regardless of what the parents decided, they would go through with sex reassignment in any case - with or without the parents' support.
Many people advise that if your relationship with your parents is not as good as it could be, and especially if your parents are not among the more broad-minded people of the population, then it may be best to save your news until you are already receiving hormone treatment - that way it's too late for them to try and stop you. Some transsexuals have spent a lot of time deciding that they wanted to go ahead, only to find that the reaction from their parents frightened them so much that they've ended up putting off the treatment indefinitely - or "until they get used to the idea" - which often never happens.
But let's face it, no matter how well you get on with your parents, they are never going to react with joy to the news when you first tell them! Their instant fear will be that they are losing you - losing their daughter. Only by patiently explaining to them that in reality they never actually had a daughter, and that far from losing you they will be gaining the son you always should've been, can you help them through this fear. They will find it hard to understand - especially if you were, like me, determined throughout your childhood and teens to hide the fact that you felt male inside - they'll be confused and often they will simply not believe you. Your parents may have many memories of you doing 'girl' things, completely unaware of the pressure under which you did them and how and why you did them, and they'll find it difficult to reconcile the 'girl' that you attempted to be with the idea that you have always been male inside.
Perhaps your parents are religious or from a background that's hostile to all things 'queer'. They'll confuse your transsexuality with homosexuality, and here is where that black and white paper print-out will save you! It's usually a sad fact that most parents treat information they receive from their children with suspicion - they never truly get used to the idea that you are an adult and have your own mind, that you have wisdom or learning or knowledge of your own. So you can find - like I often do - that trying to explain things to your parents is like fighting a double battle. Firstly, you're trying to illuminate them on a subject that means nothing to them but everything to you, and secondly you're battling against their instinctive impression that you're just a kid, and don't know what you're talking about. So to have something that's written by some respected, qualified scientist or doctor that you can present to them to say, "It's not just my opinion, it's a fact" can be a great help. It's important that you get it through to them that transsexuality is not a choice. It's not some decision you've made on your own, you didn't decide to be male inside - you have always been that way, you were born like it.
How you work it out with your parents and the best way to do it is of course, something only you can decide. That's the thing about being transsexual, there are just so many painful decisions to make that it seems sometimes overwhelming. When you get through it all though, believe me, you'll be in the strongest 1% of your country's population, mentally. If this doesn't kill you, it most certainly will make you stronger. I've found though, that it's relatively rare for parents to completely disown their transsexual children. Many have gone through an initial period of denial or refusal to accept what's happening, but in time the majority manage to strike up an understanding. You just have to be patient and think about how long it's taken you to figure everything out, and remember you can't expect your parents to do it all in one go.
For the few who may be disowned, I would say it's probably a good thing. I know that will sound like a terrible thing to say, but bear with me and I'll explain.
If these people, even after having plenty of time to come to terms with it, after you've made all the effort man can make to help them understand, still find it more important to cling to their own stubborn opinions, even in the face of evidence against them, than to understand and support you as their child, I would say (and most would agree) that they are not behaving as parents. If they don't behave as parents should, then technically that releases you (by the old fashioned rules of honour) from behaving like a son to them. You should not even contemplate living a sad life full of deceit and lies for the sake of people like this, who clearly do not deserve such a sacrifice, since they're obviously not even willing to make any sacrifices for you, such as learning to call you by a new name. It can be difficult to 'divorce' your natural feelings for your parents from your logical, rational self, but it's something you will have to do if you want to ever have any kind of life of your own.
Even the Christian faith, which is big on filial duty, says "This is why a man must leave his mother and father, and stick to his wife; they will become one flesh." Meaning that your duty is to your partner and any children you have, and not to your parents. And you can't argue with the Bible, can you? :-)
If you have no partner or children, and the parents don't behave as parents should, then they forfeit their right to demand duty from you. First of all make sure that you make every possible attempt to reach an understanding with them, so that if they still refuse to accept you as your true self, your conscience is clear and you know you've done everything you can. If it doesn't work then free yourself from them, take that bold first step and in the long term you will look back and know it was the best thing you ever did. From that time it's up to them to come to you.
Sam Baker, 13. November 2002
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