This piece was kindly written for the website by one of my best friends, to share the experience of being a friend of a transsexual.

MY FRIEND SAM

I'll start with the feelings and thoughts I had when my friend Rachel first said ''I'm transgendered.''  My first automatic reactions were cynicism and doubt and I really didn't know what to say.  I guess I was embarrassed too but I mumbled out, ''oh, err, so - you want to be a man?''  Rachel's reply was, ''No, I am a man.''  Thus began my journey in trying to understand this alien world which up until that point I had no real knowledge of or interest in.

I lay in bed that night thinking about Rachel, this tall blonde married mother of two little girls. So many questions were running through my mind.  This can't be true I thought, she must be mentally ill, delusional.  The more I thought about it the more I realised how ignorant I was on the subject with images of gay pride parades and flashy cross dressers running through my mind.

The next morning I grabbed my coffee, got on the internet and started searching around for information.  It seemed that every link I went to was pornographic in nature and disgusting pop-ups kept appearing.  So distasteful was it that I left the computer, sat on the couch and wondered if I even wanted to continue my friendship with her if this was the type of world I would have to look at.  I wondered if researching this would have an adverse affect on my Christian faith.  I decided to pray about it.  ''Lord, is this something I should look into?  Will this shake my faith?''  My answer was, ''How would thinking about this shake your faith?  You have a solid foundation.''  Yes, I thought, I'm not weak in faith and I know who I am.  ''Rachel is a good, thoughtful, intelligent and funny person and yet this transgender thing seems so sinful.  Would I somehow be bringing sin into my life by looking into it?''  My answer was, ''Anyone can sin against their body.  Your body itself isn't sinful.  Everyone, no matter what their circumstance has the choice to sin or not to sin.''   That's true, why would I assume the soul of my friend was less pure than mine, in need of more forgiveness than me just because of, well, a birth defect.  Yes, some transgender people are not my kind but I can't just 'group classify' them because they are individuals with individual needs and concerns.

I cut through and ignored the nonsense on the internet and managed to find  the solid and useful information I wanted.  What I discovered is this 'disorder' for lack of a better word is all pervasive which means they are the disorder and the disorder is them.  It is not something they will grow out of and in time the natural depression they feel can evolve into serious mental disorders.  Simply put transgender people have the opposite brain/mind of the body they are in.  It is not something one can ignore and any theories which hold the belief that psychotherapy can cure them is wrong, wrong, wrong.  It would be like telling a blind person to will himself to see.

I asked Rachel loads of questions, some of them quite personal and she was more than willing to let me into her head.  It was obvious to me that this has been with her for her entire life.  So I would say to a friend of a transgender person '' Listen and Believe!''  Don't doubt their feelings, accept them as truth they are living it and we are not.  It's important to wipe away the slate of what you have previously heard and open your mind to a new understanding.

Thinking about Rachel as a man wasn't hard for me because she's not like a regular woman anyway and I think that's why I liked her so much.  She is more forthright than most women and never concentrated on 'girlie' things.  She didn't have womanly attitudes and I guess that's why she wasn't very successful with other female relationships.  So when she decided to take the step to change her name it actually felt more comfortable for me.  Rachel didn't suit her but Sam does.  I would say to friends of a transgender person ''Don't stumble on the name they choose.  Accept it and say it.''  Imagine a parent naming a boy Christie or Amanda, how cruel is that!  Well, it's the same thing, so when they change their name honour it and say it, don't be afraid.  If you are not willing to do even that then I would say you are not a true friend and don't believe your friend and you may do him or her more harm than good.

So, Sam it is for me and Sam is a man to me.  I believe my friend.

I tried an experiment.  I was going to imagine I was transgendered for a week.  I would wake up and stretch in the morning feeling like the man I am.  Take a good look in the mirror and the horror begins.  Grooming and taking care of this body that is just not right.  Hearing this high pitched feminine voice that is just not mine.

The way people are talking to me at the grocery store.  Would they talk to a man like that?  No.

I want my voice and I want my appearance.

Is that selfish?

It was a hellish week and left a hellish hangover.  I thank God I am not transgendered.

I admit it is hard at first to change from saying she to he, her to him but now it just rolls off my tongue and in my mind when I'm thinking about Sam it's always he.

I feel quite blessed that I have a transgendered friend because he has insight into both worlds and has taught me a lot.  My own view of people I found had been limited by what I saw, outward appearances.  Now I see people differently and I'm able to look through them and see them as who they are and I'm not so distracted by what their shell is. I'm more compassionate.  We are so much more than our bodies.  I'm a happier person myself for having him as a friend because I don't concentrate so much on superficial things.  I have shifted my perspective from my ego to my soul.

I would encourage a friend of a transgendered person to keep your mind off sex!  It really has nothing to do with sexual orientation and it's not about homosexuality.  On so many websites you will see the word transgendered lumped in with the homosexual and what you will see as queer folk.  Personally I don't think it helps the transgendered to be considered part of this group because it's not really about that.  It's apples and oranges.  It's not a desire to be the opposite gender - they are the opposite gender.  Their bodies just don't match.

Sam is now in the process of seeking professional help with hormones and surgery.  It's a long, painful and I imagine a humiliating process.  But I will be there for him with encouragement and love.  I want him to have his voice.  I want him to have the body that should have been his from birth.  And I want him to be proud of who he is.  Why shouldn't he be?

To prevent certain types of people from maliciously calling me by it, I've changed my 'old name' in this document. - Samuel

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