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MASCULINE SELF-EXPRESSION
Why is this?
Statistics are coming in all the time, and every time they come in, the proportion of existing FTMs to MTFs gets more and more even. So why are we so slack in sharing our experienes and giving others the benefit of it?
This has to do, in my view, with a few factors that stem mainly from expectations on males in our culture. You may find this a bit whimsical, or maybe even offensive, but bear with me - I have a theory here which I don't believe should be dismissed out of hand.
On talking to a lot of MTFs on this subject, they've told me that they were always bullied at school for being effeminate. It's a generally 'accepted' rule of society today that although women can wear trousers, men can NOT wear dresses if they want a quiet life! So a 'man' who shows feminine characteristics, long before 'he' comes out as transsexual, is not considered by his peers to be a 'real man' anyway. It's not a surprise usually when he comes out with it, to those closest to him. They often suspected all along. Eventually, those nearest and dearest to the male to female transsexual are all too happy to believe that their friend is a woman inside - "that explains it" they all say. And there is a general proud sisterhood of women who believe in and fight for the right of women to express themselves and voice opinions, to be intelligent and contributing members of society. This sisterhood will often speak up for the transsexual woman when people doubt her femininity because of a strongly voiced opinion, or a demonstration of intelligence or leadership.
Now think of it from our point of view - the FTMs. Is it unusual for a girl to wear trousers? Are 'Tomboys' not accepted, indulged and hair-ruffled in a way that the 'effeminate boys' can only dream of? A female child would have to be exceptionally masculine to make anyone suspect or doubt her inner gender - compared with the small amount of femininity a man can express before his is in question. And the Tomboy, when she gets older, is still every bit allowed to behave in more traditionally female ways, right? She can climb trees and play with bugs and cars and guns when she's a kid, and nobody minds too much - the odd bitchy relative may give out predictions of future lesbianism, but in general, she experiences nothing like the level of revulsion and criticism that the effeminate boy experiences. And not only that, but she's allowed to cry, too. She's 'allowed' to write poems and play with dolls and talk about her feelings too. So when adolescence looms and this 'girl' starts to realise that it's more than just being a Tomboy, it's something much more - she realises that 'she' is a 'he'. But what happens when 'she' tries to tell anyone? People just laugh indulgently, they pat her on the head and say, "Don't worry, you'll grow out of it," or "Don't be silly, lots of girls like to play with skateboards and wear jeans all the time."
When the female to male transsexual gets older, if he tries to assert his masculinity then, he's still not believed. All kinds of stupid questions appear - "But why did you date men then?" or "But you wore a dress to your sister's wedding and you looked lovely!" or similar sagely statements come out of those he looks to for support.
Whatever masculine characteristics the female to male transsexual displays, they will always be considered normal in the scheme of feminism, lesbianism, tomboyism (if such a word exists) or general female individuality. The trouble is that there are simply too many ways of being female. There are so many things a woman can be and do, without anyone questioning her femininity. So many different styles of clothing, hair, shoes, life, philosophy, approach to things, relationships, self-expression. So in order to get people to believe him, the female to male transsexual has to do everything in the standard, stereotypically male way.
Let's just look at the scope of self-expression that is considered generally acceptable amongst males. Clothing all has to be dark or definite colours, pastels and pinks and purples are not allowed, otherwise you're allegedly gay. Shoes are either trainers, boots or smart shiny black suit shoes. Clothes have to be more or less along the lines of the current fashion for your age group, otherwise you're 'wierd'. And let's face it, these fashions don't really change much, do they? You're not allowed to touch, hug or compliment your male friends, in case they think you're gay, and you're not allowed to compliment women unless you want them to think you're trying to chat them up. You're not allowed to talk about your problems, otherwise you're 'whining'. You're not allowed to get too enthusiastic about anything, otherwise you're immature, childish, too chatty. Unless, of course, it's football! You're allowed to go crazy about that because it entails all the elements of traditional masculinity - beer, testosterone, competition, patriotism, cameraderie. If you don't like football, you're 'boring'. But above all, you're not allowed to talk about your feelings. Nobody wants to know. You're a man, deal with it, get on with it. You don't have to whine and cry like a woman, you have to be strong and sort things out on your own. This is what you're told.
So, taking this into account, can you see why FTMs in general tend not to be too willing to make websites like this one, full of self-expression and sharing their feelings with the world?
Personally, I'm just a big old nature boy. I love sailing on the river, camping in forests. I'm just a big geek - I love old castles and monuments, medieval architecture. I love writing stories and poetry - I've been told that I have wisdom beyond my years that shows through in my work. Why should I deny myself any of these things that I enjoy, just in case people use them as reasons to doubt my masculinity? People do do that, but I don't care. I know plenty of guys who were born with all the right body parts, who are similarly inclined to me, and yet nobody questions their masculinity! Why? Because they're almost closet-poets, secret writers, they bashfully whisper the words, "Yeah, I can feel the life in the forest as well," as if they're afraid that anyone may overhear them and brand them a great, big, fat poof.
Well I don't care, frankly, who overhears me. If they want to shove the great spectrum of qualities and abilities that the masculine mind is capable of into such a narrow pigeon-hole that only the most narrow and useless traits remain, that's up to them. But just as I know from living as a woman that women are capable of far more than they own up to, and that they play on the expectations of their gender to get out of doing things (lifting heavy boxes, going to the bar, fixing their own light-switch etc), I also know that men are capable of far more than drinking beer, watching football and keeping their feelings and thoughts bottled up until they explode in a fit of 'proud' masculine rage in a pub brawl somewhere. I haven't endured the horrors and pressures and hardships of transition and the real life test to emerge as some arrogant, sexist, beer and football-obsessed jerk.
The pressure on the female to male transsexual to clam up and become a 'man of few words', the stereotype Richard Sharpe silent soldier, the brooding, strong Conan the Barbarian, the extreme macho end of the scale of masculinity, is a great pressure indeed. The slightest expression of any characteristic that can be associated with femininity will bring instant questions as to their commitment to sex reassignment, the legitimacy of their masculine identity. Characteristics that a 'natural born male' can display from time to time without any worries about the consequence on his public image are pounced on by the pedants and doubters, a chance to patronise the hell out of the 'silly woman who wants to be a man'.
Of course, some of us female to male transsexuals actually do have the limitations of a male brain to the extent of some average men - some of us actually are hopeless at expressing ourselves or sharing our feelings. But I think most of us can - we're just afraid to.
And that, I feel, is why you don't see many of us opening up like this. And I believe this is why you don't get many open and honest, comprehensive websites specifically geared towards FTMs and their actual feelings, emotions and problems. You'll find plenty full of 'technical' advice, and sometimes they begin to open up, but it's never sustained for more than a single page.