Anxiety attacks
My story

It all started about 12 years ago, I was 6 months pregnant with my second child and my first child was not quite one. We were staying at friends for the night and I woke at about 1am feeling terrible panic, I tried to go outside for some fresh air but all the doors and windows had deadlocks and I could not find the keys anywhere. I was just about to smash the glass door when  thankfully our friends woke and opened the door for me to get out. Eventually I calmed down and just thought that I was getting a little claustrophobic because the central heating was on and there was no fresh air.
We returned home the next day and all was forgotten of the previous nights events.

That evening as it became dark I started to have the same feelings again even though I was in my own home and everything was open, I didnt say anything to my husband at first and then all of a sudden I had a terrible feeling that I had gone mad and crying I said to my husband "Rob something is happening to me, I think I have gone mad in the head and I feel that I'm going to have to be locked up in a mental institution, I dont know what is happening, I feel really strange, I feel like I am losing my mind".I felt panicky, I felt lost, I felt sheer terror, but there was no obvious reason for me feeling this way. The feelings continued for about an hour and I think it was the worst hour of my life, I thought I had totally lost the plot and didnt know what I was going to do, I was 6 months pregnant and I also had an 11 month old that I needed to care for, what was I going to do? I had the same feelings on and off all that night and decided that in the morning I should go and see my doctor.

I made an appointment first thing in the morning, I was feeling a lot better and had not had any panicky feelings for a few hours. At 10am I went to the doctors and as soon as iIgot into his room I completly lost it, I cried uncontrollably and told him all that had happened the night before and that I thought I was having a break down.. He could not tell me what was wrong with me, but was very concerned and told me that he thought I should go and see a psychiatrist. An appointment was made and in one week I was to go to Melb to see him. I wasnt sure if I could last a week with the feelings that I had. My mum was great and she sent a few of her friends round to be with me during the day to help me with my daughter while my husband was at work. I was new in the area and I had not yet made many friends and even though my mum was only half an hour away, she worked full time and could not afford the time off work.

In the week waiting to go to the psychiatrist I had a lot of time to think about things and the reasons why I might be having these feelings, I came to the conclusion that this must all be happening because I was exhausted from caring for a baby that cried for the first 6 months of her life due to colic and reflux, and the fact that I was 6 months pregnant with our second child, I was also very isolated as we only lived in a small country town and I had no car to go out and meet people and my husband worked long hours (left at 7am and didnt get home till 6.30pm).Maybe it was just a case of isolation and being cooped up in a house with a screaming baby.

The week passed with many of these attacks and at last I was on my way to the psychiatrists.I was very calm when I sat down with him, I told him all that had been happening to me and also went into details of my childhood, which was not at times very pleasant.I told him how i had been sexually abused as a child from the ages of 4-6, told him that my parents fought all the time, told him that I had a twin sister that was mentally disabled from birth, told him that I had 2 brothers who were heavily into drugs, and also told him about my 11 month old daughter and the isolation that I had had in the past year.He also asked if I had any health problems or had I experienced some sort of grief recently.I was healthy and hadnt experienced grief. I was very happy and thought I was fine untill all this started a week ago. It just came out of nowhere.

After telling him all this he came to the same conclusion as I had and said I was probably just exhausted  because of my pregnancy and taking care of a difficult baby for the past year and that I needed to get out of the house more, he suggested that I take some sort of sedative(which I refused) and come back and see him in a week.. I left the surgery not still not really knowing what was wrong with me and still wondering if I was having some sort of breakdown. I went back to him a week later and he said I was doing well and that he didnt think he would need to see me again, he said usually he would want to see a patient for nine weeks, but he thought I was doing ok and didn't need to see me again.

I was doing a lot better thats for sure, my panicky feelings were only happening every couple of days and I realised that I wasnt going mad. Still I didnt know what had happened to me and the thought of those feelings coming again terrified me constantly. I figured I just have to get on with things and try to forget about them. Eventually after about 2 months the feelings had gone completely, I felt I was at last over what ever was wrong with me.

It wasnt until about 5 months later that it was all to happen again, the worst thing is that you get no warning, it just happens, one minute life is wonderful an you dont seem to have a worry in the world and then all of a sudden you are torn down with a jerk. I really didnt think I could go through all this again, I now had a newborn to care for as well.Unless you have experienced the feelings, you could never possibly understand them. Rob did his best to help me, but he didnt understand and was not really the strong supportive person I needed . What I needed was someone to put their arm around me and say "Michelle, I am here for you , dont be scared, we will get through this together". The nightime was the worst and for some reason as soon as darkness set in that is when I had my worst attacks. I used to ask Rob to try and stay awake until I was asleep, It was comforting just to know someone was watching over me.

Even though I was going through this you wouldnt have known it to look at me, It is not something that shows through on the outside its all a mind thing. I was still very capable of looking after my husband and children and taking care of the house, I was not at all depressed and there was never a time where I thought I would harm myself or the children. I was just scared, I had these waves of sheer panic and dread for no reason at all and it frightened me, I was a strong capable woman but I was losing control over my mind, and there was nothing I could do about.

After a couple of months the attacks stopped again, still I didnt know what was wrong with me and just thought it is something I have to live with. On and off for the next 8 years the attacks would come and go. I could not stay at home alone if my husband went away for work, my mum would always have to come and stay with me. Once when Rob went away to Sydney for a week I thought I would try staying alone, I was doing ok until about 1am and then I had the worst attack I have ever had, I woke up and was in a complete full on attack, I called my mum and asked her to come to me as soon as she could, but I knew it would take her at least three quarters of an hour and I didnt know if  could survive that long, I was so scared that this time I would not have the strenght to get through the attack. I paced up and down the house waiting for my mum, went out into the fresh air, tried to take my mind off it and say "Its ok mum will be here soon", but it was getting worse and worse, I really thought this is it, now i will have to be locked away or go to a mental institution. Mum finally arrived and the attack started to ease, it was such a bad attack that I went into shock afterwards, I vomited, got the shakes and had to lay down because my legs went to jelly and I could not stand on them.

I decided that I had had enough of these attacks and I really did have to find out what was wrong with me, I had struggled with it for 8 years now, I had had enough.. I had 3 children  and I was trying to work full time, I couldnt let this get the better of me. I went to work the next day and told my boss what had happened, and asked if I could have extra time at lunch to visit the doctor, he said no problem.
I didnt last till lunch time, I had another attack mid morning so I went to the doctors straight away.

My old doctor had left the area so I was going to see a new doctor, and what a doctor he was, after telling him my problem, he told me straight away that I was suffering from anxiety attacks and told me that the cause can sometimes be a chemical  imbalance in the brain and that anti-depressant tablets often help the problem. I had never wanted to take medication for my problem but was at a point where I felt I needed something to get me through. I was told it could take a couple of weeks before the medication would have any effect and even that worried me a little because the last few attacks had been horrendous and I was really frightened that they would finally break me. But at last I had found out what was wong with me and I now knew lots of people suffed like me, I was not going crazy at all.

I began taking the medication and for the first couple of days felt very light headed, that feeling soon dissappeared and it wasnt long before my attacks had ceased. I was feeling good but I still didnt want to rely on medication for the rest of my life so I went out and brought some books all about anxiety/panic attacks. One book in particular was fantastic, It was easy to understand, and the main point that I learned from it was dont fight your attacks, instead say ok I can feel an attack coming, relax and let it happen, breathe through it and it will pass much quicker and usually wont be so intense and sometimes wont even happen at all. Its the best book I have ever read and it worked for me. Wow ,I was finally feeling that I had control over my mind again!!.

I know it works, I lost my young brother to suicide and I thought that would be a time where I would really suffer my attacks, but I didnt even have a hint of one. I was only on the medication for 3 months and during that time I moved interstate with  Rob and the children, far away from all our family and friends to a place where I didnt know a soul, I could never have done that before, that was nearly four years ago and I havnt had an attack. I have also had another child who had colic and reflux and was very demanding, and to top it off Rob and I seperated 8 months ago! I couldnt spend a night without  Rob before, now its just me and the children and I am fine. The first night he left I started to have an attack, but I got my book out and refreshed my memory, after 10 minutes I had talked myself out of it, I said "ok, come and get me, I wont fight you, just get it over and done with", I didnt have a full on attack and havnt had a sign of one ever since!!

I hope you can understand my story, I'm definately not a story writer, I just wanted to tell it because I think there are a lot of people out there who suffer in silence, I am not ashamed of my problem and I am happy to tell this in the hope that if just one person reads this and it helps them in some way then it has all been worth it. Life isnt easy sometimes, but dont ever be ashamed to talk about your problems, I have always been a very open person and I think it is the only way I have got through some very difficult times..

Thank you for reading my story