hello,
I just ran into a problem with my partner and one of her other partners. Myself and her are primaries and had the restriction of latex used with any other partner, regardless of the activity. We had be monogamous up until recently, in which she took to having a boyfriend as well as a girlfriend (me). Well, the other night they we sexual without latex. (They did not have penis-vagina or penis-anal sex, but from the point of view of a lesbian, they had sex without a barrier) Now, beyond the emotional issues here, I read you site and agree with it; however, the boyfriend does not feel that their activity was fluid bonding...nor very risky for him nor for me (I was not there) by us sharing a partner. I disagree with him, and wish to present him with accurate information. So I was wondering where you got your information about the use of gloves and lube. (I agree with you but feel that if I could present this information to him from a "more" legit source, he may listen more.
Another one of my concerns, is that if he doesn't consider those activities as fluid bonding, I worry about what other risks I may be inadvertently being exposed to. And so I hope to open communications with this boyfriend by supplying him with information from a noted source.
thank you for any help you may be able to give me in this area. (and yes I have decided to return to being latex bound with her)
Hey there... thanks for writing, as always...
Ok, here are the facts:
ANY disease that can be transmitted by bodily fluids can be transmitted through any opening on the body. If they had digital sex, he could have microscopic cuts on his hand, through which any disease your S.O. may have had/has could have been transmitted to him. The opposite could have happened if he'd had any microscopic cuts/etc (a hangnail, papercut, or fingernail bitten to close is all it takes) and your S.O. had any microscopic tears in her vaginal lining; he could have transmitted to her.
If they had oral sex, (her on him), she could have had microscopic cuts in her mouth through which any disease he had could have been transmitted to her (and, by proxy, you), or vice versa. If he'd performed oral sex on her, the same principle applies, in reverse.
I've gotten this information from several Sexual Health Advocates, who take a two semester course at my University (Rutgers) on safer sex practices, in addition to three different speakers on sex. This does not include my internet resources, and pamphlets I've read. If that's not enough for your S.O.'s secondary partner, then you might want to have a talk with both of them.
As to your thoughts on talking to your S.O.'s boyfriend with a source to back oyu up, good concern and smart thinking. You can site the Rutgers Univeristy Sexual Health Advocacy program, several Sexual Health experts such00 as Jhon Velasco and Lani Kahumahnu, who are both professional Safer Sex speakers. Jhon works at Planned Parenthood, I believe, and Lani works at an AIDS clinic, from what I understand.
Good luck. I hope things turn out well.
Pandora