~Contentment~
September 28 2001

Was it years ago
Or only yesterday
I can hardly recall
Time is such a misery to
keep record of
Perhaps I'm still only a child
With nothing to offer the world
But still drinking it in
The beautiful earth
The intense skies of blue
The perfect time when everything was new
The soft lush greens of grass
of trees of nature
Never again has it been so easy to be alive
The perfect array of flowers, of colors
lilacs, tulips, roses
Never again has the world been so real
Water cool, and crisp
Thunderstorms mighty skies
of blacks, greys, dark blues
Never again has the world been so true
Autumns of vibrant reds,golds, and browns
I never needed a seat I was happy on the ground
Everyday was bright and new
Persons were so intresting
polite, and crude
In days since life became complicated
Nothing has been what it seemed
It became harder to be merely content
Everything since has seemed like merely only dreams
Still often my thought often travel back to the
Happy days of me and my Barbara Jean
Content again I am as a child
I'm seeing everything again in a new way
Only this time I walk with my love
Hand in Hand
Nothing happened as planned
Everything changes and again will change
But never again should I lose the freedom
of being content as a child that lulls and loves
Or else this world will drive me mad!

~~~"Come along little darlin' we'll see how brave you are" Tori Amos~~~


~To Know~

To Know thyself
is to know the destruction
that you are capable
To know yourself is to know
that no person is trustable
To love yourself
is to ignore the malace
the catastophy
that you are
TO know me is to know
that I will never be capable of more
to know that I was doomed
bringing malediction to
all in my way
Short and sinful is lives path
to hate myself is to know who I am
to hurt myself is a gate
to be free of the virus of me
no I don't trust you
for the more I know
the less I trust me
only one of billions of
hypocrites and selfish liars
burning each other with contempt
and fire
I can't love most
for I can't love what I can't see
and likewise few could ever love me
not just for I am repulsive
but I strive to bury myself
from the hypocrites eyes
True Justice is death
So quick are we to forget ourselves
so quick are we to call ourselves the exception
so quick are we to beleive a lie
so quick are we to make ourselves feel good
reality is such a shame in its realization
that to know thyself is to hate thyself
and to frear EVERYONE else

~~~~"All you know about me is what I've sold you" TOOL~~~ ~Hide~

Clench my teeth
and force myself away
force my thoughts into a corner
deep inside
deep hidden in my mind
hide it
I must force myself away
What am I hiding thru my face?
What do you see behind my eyes?
Do you see a stranger?
Do you see the universe?
in my eyes do you see
hidden stories, anguish, anger, love?
Do you see blindness
To the reality of this small
rotating planet
Do you an oasis from this
desert of dry useless people?
Do you see me?

~~~"I don't want anything, I want it ALL" Nine Inch Nails~~~~

~Disguise~
I'm so ugly behind my disguise
I'm merely shallow
behind my words
You can't make yourself desirable
When your merely a disease
When your only a loss
a loss of concentration

a loss of sanity
no never possesing
any type of beauty
Never was I anything special
never was I anymore than a disapointment
why do I fight to survive
when I'm as good as dead?
Small and alone since my birth
The only way I will ever be
insignificant
unimportant
watching from the shadow
all the souls in the spotlight
myself never shining, never excelling
no I'm just there
only barely existing
only barely living

~~~"No angel came" Tori Amos~~~~


~Our love~
September 21, 2001

There is no absolute truth
nor is there an absolute lie
Everything that has ever mattered
Has never been merely surface
nothing is forever
no nothing but the ivisible force of love
Nothing else can last forever
Nothing else is eternal
Not dreams
No not even my very life
So very thankful am I for
your gift of love
Nothing else can touch my very heart
and soul except your eternal love
hand in hand with you forever
There is nowhere else I would rather be
The only place for me is by your side
Thru it ALL
through life, through youth, through old age,
there will only be one home for me
and that home is your love
Your love is my food, my shelter, and my air
I breathe you, I love you
I should ever endeavorto treasure this love
this gift from you
Forever, every moment of every day
I want to hang on to it all
and make our love, our moments
Last Forever
All those moments made just for us
where the whole universe revolves around
only for you and I
Our moments when we are the only ones on the earth
Nothing else is certain
only me and you
our love is perfect
our love is beautiful
our love is ETERNAL

~"Fire is bright, fire is clean, efficent, and DIVINE"~ The Toadies

~Error~

I used to think I was beautiful
and that perhaps
Everything was beautiful
at least in some way
Some things are only learned from error
Some things will only knock you on your feet
Some things only have one use, to bring you down
and then to beat you down furthur, and further
pushing you to the bottom
passed hopelessness and despair
Things can always get worse
Theres always a step lower to stumble
There is never a complete rock bottom
never any real secure footing
no matter what you have
it can and will be taken away
much faster than it took to make
Life-taking 9 months to bring you into
this world
can take only a second to take it away
Love- years and months to secure only
takes words or carelessness can be destroyed
Friendship- Taking much time to build some trust
can be taken away by something as menial as absense
Nothing can be forever butr death
Its much easier to destroy beautyMbr> that it is to create it

~"I know I'm headed for the bottom, but I'm riding you all the way down"~ Soundgarden

~Again~
All alone again
This is always the way
my life ends up
cold and alone
with the whole world against me
This time is diffrent in only one way
This time there is no one to blame but myself
I know it is me now
Its I not the world that is defective
I see clearly now
It's been me the whole time
like an infection
like a virus
I'm doomed to be alone
because I destroy all I touch
I'll always be lonely
for I will always be me
So until I'm gone
those that know me will never be free
I'm a terrible destroyer
What I wouldn't sell for
some sweetness or sanity
should I lift my plauge?
should I lay my head 6 feet in the
ground to sleep?
or should I wake another day
to bring distress
Who am I to even think it matters?
Who am I to think I matter at all?

"or do we soon forget the things
we cannot see?"
Tori Amos