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Squawks

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution:  "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution:  "Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1:  "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:  "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off:  "IT DOES NOW.

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution:  "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution:  "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution:  "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution:  "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution:  Live bugs on order.

Problem:  Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem:  IFF inoperative.
Solution:  IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution:  That's what they're there for.

---------Author Unknown, Email Trail, August, 1997  NEXT EXIT MENU

2...One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle.  Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
..."For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie, "but there is a catch--for each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.  What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
..."Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
...A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.  "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
..."I could really use a million dollars." replied the man.
...One million dollars appeared at his feet.  "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "And what is your final wish?"
...The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
---------Author Unknown (probably wasn't a lawyer though), Email Trail, August, 1997
The Placebo Page "...its a state of mind"  NEXT  PREVIOUS EXIT MENU
http://www.AUSTIN1.com/~placebo/

--------by Meathead's Wife, on a t.v. show about blonds  NEXT  PREVIOUS EXIT MENU

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.  As he was cleaning up, the woman came in.

"Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

-------Author Unknown, Email Trail, April, 1998  NEXT PREVIOUS  EXIT MENU

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch the second person.
• Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
• Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Once outside, he stood, then fell flat on his face; so he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrived at his door, he stood and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and to his bedroom.  When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand. This time he managed to pull himself upright, only to fall into bed.  He went to sleep.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called--you left your wheelchair there again."
-------Author Unknown, Email Trail, June, 1998  NEXT PREVIOUS  EXIT MENU
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7 Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping in Alaska this summer, please note the following public service announcement:

Tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.  The bells warn away MOST bears.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

--------Author Unknown, Email Trail, April, 1998  NEXT PREVIOUS  EXIT MENU

It was nerve wracking. RRoarrh, Screeeech.  RRoarrh, Screeeech.

The man jumped from the bed, rushed to the window, and, pulling the curtain aside, peered through the window. RRoarrh, Screech.  He threw up his hands, shook his head, and started back toward the bed.

His wife, with terror in her voice, said, "What on earth is it?"

"Try to go back to sleep.  It's just some darned Aggie trying to get through a flashing red light!"

----------Albert, 1962  NEXT PREVIOUS  EXIT MENU