It all started when we saw The Original playing that way cool "First Person Shooter" game on TV. It looked like so much fun... even if people were really getting killed...

 

We decided we had to do something macho, too. We decided on a weekend of Paintball! There's a paintball place about an hour's drive from my house, so I got to be the host.

 

 

 

My brothers #5 and CMD made a road trip down from Canada, and brought nacho cheese Doritos. #62,100 (our friend Alison's Clone) and #'49 (my wife's Mom's Clone, and no, I do not think of him as my father-in-law!), who live near me, drove out with me. When we'd made sure we had plenty of Doritos of our own for the road, we picked up the other five guys at the airport, and we were off to the hotel!

I had to get the guys to help me get all the Dorito crumbs out of my wife's car, but they were all cool about it. We turned in early -- we knew we'd need to be rested. The next morning found us all brimming with testosterone and ready to commit all kinds of really fun mayhem.

 

 

For some weird reason, the other team had decided it would be cool to dress up as wild Celtic warriors. I could tell they'd been watching 'Braveheart' wa-a-a-ay too many times on video.

But nobody explained the concept well enough to #72,006. His version of 'Celtic' ended up involving a kilt and a bunch of bagpipes. Poor guy -- he was the one who didn't understand why there weren't lots of little play balls in the ballroom at my bachelor party. Obviously, he still doesn't get out enough...

 

 

We chased each other around for the better part of the morning, but we were pretty evenly matched. I guess that shouldn't have surprised anybody. In one memorable skirmish, #5 captured an enemy broadsword. He said it was gonna be just the thing to puncture those %$#^%$ bagpipes. And it was true -- they were getting pretty obnoxious, even if #72,006, unlike most of the rest of us, could carry a tune.

The real trouble began when #62,100 got hit with "friendly fire" by CMD. CMD said the bagpipes had distracted him, and that's why he missed. #62,100 said it didn't count as long as the other side hadn't hit him, but we weren't sure. The other guys said he was definitely "dead," and they thought it was fabulous that they hadn't even had to kill him.

 

 

Finally, the other guys holed up behind some big mounds of dirt and got ready to make their stand. We figured we had 'em cornered.

All we had to do was sneak up on them. This proved to be harder than it sounds. #62,100 had brought along the last half a bag of Doritos (the Cool Ranch flavor), and between the crackling bag and the incessant crunching, we weren't particularly quiet...

 

 

The other guys sent #72,006 out in front with those bagpipes. Was he supposed to be a decoy? A distraction? Maybe it was a trick!

Hmm. Maybe it was a trap. We huddled and tried to come up with a plan. And we couldn't waste any time -- the Doritos were almost gone.

 

 

We were all arguing too much by then. #62,100 said he had an idea, but #5 wouldn't listen to him because he was "dead." CMD got impatient, and muttered something about a "Jihad," and climbed a tree and started sniping at the other team.

Well, that pissed #62,100 off for the last time. He knocked #5 down and took his paintgun and ran right out into the open at the enemy camp, both paintguns blazing! He was yelling something about being a "ghost warrior." He shot every single one of the other guys, but they laughed at him and said they wouldn't even waste paint on him because he was already out.

 

 

While they were all arguing, #'49 sneaked up on #72,006 and shot him and stole his bagpipes. Then he started trying to play them. And trying is the operative word -- what a racket! Playing the bagpipes after eating Doritos is no better than trying to whistle after eating crackers.

But it was just what we needed. When the other guys heard that godawful squawk going up from the bagpipes, they all came running out from their cover to see what had happened -- and it was a simple matter for CMD-in-the-tree and #5 and me to take 'em all out!

 

 

In the melee, we never really did decide who won, so we couldn't have the victors seize all the rest of the Doritos -- we split 'em up. It was the brotherly thing to do. And that night, we sure wowed everybody at the hotel bar with our karaoke! Why, when #72,006 played his bagpipes, it brought tears to people's eyes...

 

 

(I'd have brought my dog, but my wife thought it was tooooo much...)