The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that? "The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street. There's a hearse, then a huge German shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind. Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?" The guy says, "My ex-wife." Walsh says, "How?" The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her." Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday." They guy says, "Get in line."


Two identical twins were separated at birth; one went to Mexico where he was named "Juan" and the other went to Saudi Arabia where he was named "Amahl" 15 years later the biological family decided on a reunion so they sent airline tickets to both boys. Juan arrived first, but Amahl never showed. The family was really disappointed until one of the uncles pointed out that they were after all identical twins, and if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl.

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" "Got any duck feed?"

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here? "The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. "The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"

 
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am. "After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women. "A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out.... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
 

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, `Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!`