So I stand here and gaze across the ocean
Knowing that I may not ever hold you
Quite the way I told you...
As he laid in bed, waiting for sleep to come, his
thoughts turned toward home. Home and love... the
woman and children who were supposed to become his
family soon, they were so very far away as they had
been many times before, but this time it was of his
own doing. 'Why, John... why did you do it... Why
did you leave her again... why did you leave the
kids... why is someone else always so important to
you?' asked the still small voice in the back of his
head. It was growing louder and more insistent as
the days passed him by. Those were days he could
never recapture, days of his children's lives...
gone forever and he had already missed so many. All
the little discoveries, all the excitement of new
skills mastered without him to cheer them on,
without his smile and words of fatherly pride...
'Why John?'
"I don't know... It's just something I have to do...
I don't KNOW!"
The voice wouldn't go away.. 'That's not good
enough, John!! After everything you've been through
to get her back, all those years she was alone and
you were with the wrong person..all those months of
waiting, pressuring her to tell Roman.. you left her
on some... quest for answers that in the ultimate
sense just doesn't matter anymore, John.'
The dialogue seemed to continue at the spirt level
and he was compelled to defend his actions,
"Because... I need to know... I need...." he started
and found the voice cutting him off short.
'What about what SHE needs, John... what about the
children's needs... did you really stop long enough
to think about that?"
"But.... she said it was okay.. she said she was in
support of me... she...."
'She said that because she LOVES you, you idiot! You
think she's going to say no to you... knowing how
important this is to you? She would sacrifice
everything, she would do ANYTHING for you, John...
Don't you know that by now... you FOOL!'
"Yes, I know that and I would do anything for her
too, but.... "
'But, nothing... Go home, John.... you'll find all
the answers you'll ever need in her eyes and in her
smile, in the warmth of her loving arms and in the
lives of your beautiful children. Go home... go
home...' the voice repeated over and over as he
finally found his eyelids growing so weary he could
no longer hold them open. The internal dialogue
faded away and John was muttering out loud as he
drifted off to a restless slumber, "Doc... gotta go
home to Doc... and Belle, Brady... they need me..."
But the distance won't silence my devotion
Cause I believe there is still a way to reach out
In my heart there's no doubt.....
Marlena stood on the terrace holding his picture in
her hands and thinking of the last time they made
love... It was so incredible, bringing such
pleasure, such a sense of intimacy. The images were
so vivid she could almost feel his hands touching
her, his breath caressing her like a gentle summer's
breeze and his kisses... igniting the eternal flame
deep within her being. She could hardly believe one
person could feel so close to another. It was an
amazing experience, but their blissful blending of
bodies was such that she could hardly feel where her
consciousness ended and his began. They were
becoming one in the biblical sense and it was
glorious to behold and then....
He left her to go off to some foreign country to
search for the missing pieces to his past. A part of
her understood and yet... they were apart. It had
been so long and all she wanted to do was settle
down into marriage and some semblance of a normal
life with the man she loved and their two small
children.. just like any woman would want. God knows
it had been long enough... 'Why did you encourage
him to go.. why did you say it was allright? He
wanted to stay....'said the questioning voice in the
back of her head.
Love travels the miles upon the wings of angels
Love finds you, I swear it's true
I can love you from here, I'll love you from
here.......
'Because he.. needs to know.. he's been hurting all
these years without a history to call his own... I
want him to feel complete, I want him to understand
where he comes from. I want him to have a chance to
feel grounded, that's why. Besides... he didn't *have* to go."
'Yes... but if you asked him to stay.. don't you
know he would have? Don't you know that he would do
anything, that he would give it up, if you asked him
to? Don't you know he'd walk through fire for you?'
"I do... and that's why I let him go... he'll come
back to me.. I know that he loves me more than words
can begin to express; I trust in that without a
doubt. I can feel his love even now, across the
miles. And, I love him too, that is never failing."
She was sure that he'd come back to her, ready to
move forward with his life and fully commit in
marriage. That was why she had to let him go now and
explore his past. If he didn't take the opportunity
when it arose, they would both live to regret the
decision. It was the same reason she'd been trying
to help him in other ways as well, ways he didn't
know about.
So I gaze at the photograph before me
Wondering if you still believe I love you
I did what I had to do
Then I look and I swear I saw you smilin'
Well heaven makes these tender hearts the strongest
Mine beats for you as long as......
She was there in his dreams, saying, "John... I
understand why you need to do this, I really do.. I
want you to go."
"Only if you're really sure, Doc.. because I'll
stay... I will. I want you to tell me the truth.
Does it bother you, me going off now, after we've
finally found our way back to each other?"
She sighed, slightly exasperated; how many different
ways were there to say the same thing. "Honey.. I've
been telling you the truth. I know this is important
to you.. to fill in the gaps of your memory...
Please... John.. believe me when I say it's all right."
There was a flicker of something in her eyes that
didn't fit, something he could hardly see and it was
gone in a flash, her smile wide, her manner
accepting and encouraging. He believed her when she
said it was okay and that she wanted him to go and
find out about his past. He remembered staring back
at her as he entered the walkway, lingering for one
last glimpse, to be sure.. She smiled again and
waved, the kids rushing toward him for one last kiss
and hug. His heart was torn... part of it wanting to
stay and just live out the dreams the heavens had
finally seen fit to bestow upon him, and the other
part... still needing to know... to understand, to
seek out his history, to be sure of who he was before they were married.
As he released the children, who were weeping
openly, she sent him a look that he knew he would
never forget as long as he had the to privelege to
live. Marlena was projecting all her love to him; he
would have her love and devotion inside his heart in
every single moment that passed until at last they
were together again. And yet... there was great
pain, the anticipation of missing him and when he
saw the tears she tried valiantly to hide, he gave
her the same tender loving gaze. It was literally
amazing all that was communicated in that lingering
glance between two soulmates. There were no words
necessary; their love was deep and strong; it was
now and forever and it could endure this separation too.
But the question begged.... did that make it right?
John was left to ponder the answer as he stared out
over the wing and saw the vast expanse of oceans he
was putting between himself and all the people he
loved in order to pursue this search, to fulfill his
own needs, as legitimate as they might seem..\ He
kept coming back to it over and over. Was it right
to leave them all again? Was his need to know about
his missing past so important that it outweighed
their need to have him there to love and support
them, to share in all the joys and sorrows life had> to offer?
Love travels the miles upon the wings of angels
Love finds you, I swear it's true> I can love you from here
On moonbeams, on heartstrings Love makes it's way through anything
Love finds you, I swear it's true I will always be near, I'll love you from
here........
Suddenly, John sat up in bed, the images from his
dream fading slowly. Glancing at the wallet sized
picture he had brought along so he could see them
whenever he was missing them, the still small voice
said with sad regret as the words of the song he had
mysteriously heard several times recently came to
mind, 'Yes... you *can* love them from here... but
it's not the same, John; it's just not the same.'
Lyrics contained herein taken from song entitled
Love Travels written by Bob Halligan, Jr. and Linda
Halligan as performed by Kathy Mattea
