JC shook off his surprise and rushed out of the door after Kat. “Kat, wait please!” he called out after the figure hurrying down the block. “I’m sorry!” He took a deep breath when he saw her stop dead in her tracks. She didn’t turn around. She just stood and waited for him to catch up. He jogged up the block, closing the only the physical distance between them.

She refused to turn around, embarrassed by the salty liquid stinging her eyes. He stood directly behind her, willing her to turn around and face him.

“Kat,” he all but whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I just wanted you to feel like you could trust me.”

“We met two days ago, JC,” Kat started, her voice hoarse with emotion. “How can I trust someone I don’t even know when I can’t trust myself?” She looked fragile, like a slight wind would make her topple over. JC reached out to pull her back to his chest. All he felt at that moment was an uncontrollable urge to protect this girl he barely knew. All he knew was that every time he looked into her eyes and saw the pain she carried with her, it made his heart break all over again. He wanted to be the one to help her heal.

As soon as his masculine hands touched her shoulders, she pulled away and kept walking; never turning around and without another word.

JC stood on the darkened street corner, not sure of anything anymore. Smooth, JC. Real slick. He walked back down towards the café to reclaim his jacket. As he pulled the door open, he was, once again, assaulted by the smell of coffee and cinnamon. It was a smell he’d always associate with Kat and his own stupidity.

Caroline stood at the counter, helping a customer. She threw him a reassuring smile as he made is way back to the table. He pulled on his jacket, sighing heavily under his breath when he noticed Kat’s bag propped up against the side of the chair she’d been sitting in. He didn’t know whether to smile at the opportunity the bag provided or curse because he’d been put into a position that could lead to more pain for the both of them. He tossed a 20-dollar bill on the table and nodded warily at Caroline on his way out the door, clutching the straps of Kat’s bag in his left hand.

“Back so soon?” Lance questioned, eyeing JC and he slipped through the door. JC nodded dejectedly as he plopped down in one of the armchairs near where Lance was sitting comfortably, reading. “That’s a new look for you,” Lance chuckled, nodding to the Prada shoulder bag JC was still clutching. JC’s only response was to shake his head and rest it against the high back of the armchair. “OK, what happened?” Lance pushed, slapping his book closed and sitting up, preparing for a heavy conversation.

“I’m an idiot, that’s what happened,” JC stated, punctuating his declaration with a frustrated groan.

“I knew that already. What else?”

“You know how I told you that I got Kat’s number from Ethan that night?”

“Yeah, I still can’t believe he sold her out like that,” Lance chuckled.

“Cute. Do you want to hear this or not?”

“Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m here for you buddy,” Lance confirmed, not able to keep that last touch of sarcasm out of his voice.

“Ok,” JC continued. “Well he was very hesitant to give up her number. I was basically told that if I screwed up, he’d turn NSYNC into a quartet.”

“Well, it would seem he kinda feels like a big brother. I mean what would you say if someone hit you up for Heather’s number?”

“I know, that’s not the point. That’s not all he said. He went on about how she’s had it tough and to let her take things at her own pace.”

“OK…” Lance said motioning for him to continue.

“The short version? I pushed and she bolted.”

“I think I have time for the long version, C,” Lance replied flatly.

“I dunno,” JC sighed rubbing his eyes warily. “Something had happened today. She was supposed to be visiting friends and something happened that was bad enough to drive her all the way back from Pennsylvania. She called me and I thought she wanted to talk about it. We started talking but she seemed so uncomfortable that she turned the tables on me. I wasn’t about to give up that easily so I suggested we play a game.”

“A game?” Lance smiled, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yes. Shut up and listen. For every question of hers that I answered, she had to answer one of mine- nothing off limits. It started off OK and even though she was still guarded, she seemed to relax. Then I ask the question; the past relationship question. Lance, she looked like she’d just been hit by a truck.”

“Uh oh.”

“Yeah,” JC nodded his head ominously.

“What’d she say?”

“She didn’t get the chance. She got a phone call and got up to take it.”

“Wait, wait. You were in her room?”

“No! No, we went to this coffee house she likes. Actually she practically lives there. I thought it was bad when the waitress brought her drink before we ever ordered but then when she actually got a phone call there… I dunno. Anyway, she looked really agitated on the phone so I went up to see if she was ok.”

“And?”

“And I accidentally overheard her conversation.”

“JC…”

“I didn’t think it would be a big deal! I mean she was talking on the phone in a public place. I just wanted to make sure she was ok,” JC defended himself.

“Let me get this straight. You eavesdropped on a girl who you knew had some serious secrets she wasn’t ready to share…” Lance summarized. “Then what?”

“First of all, I did not eavesdrop. I overheard.” JC started, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself rather than Lance.

“I believe you,” Lance commented, none too convincingly. “So what happened?”

“Well, I overheard her say something about not wanting to speak to whoever was on the line and about a broken trust…” JC’s voice ran off as if he’d just realized something. “God, someone betrayed her trust today and there I was, this guy she’d known for two days, spouting, ‘trust me, trust me,’ and grilling her for information.” JC chuckled bitterly and looked over at Lance. “You know, I think she got more out of me than I did out of her, anyway.”

“What did she say when she-”

“She just said that she couldn't do ‘this’ and bolted out the door. I went after her but she wouldn’t even look at me. She said how could she trust me when she didn’t even trust herself.” JC’s voice was low and forced. “Lance, there is so much pain there that I didn’t see before. I mean Ethan said she had a tough time but every time she spoke she was so brash and confident. Yeah, there was a definite sadness there but I was convinced that I could handle it because it seemed like she was handling it.”

Lance sat quietly while his friend vented. All joking aside, he could tell that JC was already in deep and he’d never seen anything like it. JC was the last person he expected to fall for a girl so quickly and not just because he’d had his heart broken. Jaclyn and JC had been friends for years before he let himself admit his feelings for her. When they finally got together he treated every aspect of their relationship like it could shatter at any given moment. He was careful, even meticulous. When it ended it was like JC couldn’t even believe it had happened. He’d been so careful so how could it? It almost tore the group apart. JC even let it tear him away, at least momentarily, from his dreams.

This Kat thing was like a whirlwind and it came out of nowhere. One minute JC’s shut off from everything personal- any thought of having a life outside the group and his family. The next minute he bumps into some girl in the Hard Rock Café and he’s completely enamored. To Lance, something seemed off, somehow. He continued to listen to his friend.

“Now I think that whatever it is in her past or present might be too big for me to even understand, let alone deal with. Jesus, Lance. Have you ever looked at someone and really seen them? I looked at her tonight on that street corner and she looked broken. I reached out to touch her, to comfort her, to do something. She just walked away and didn’t look back.”

“C, I know you feel like she’s special, that there is something there. But look at what this is doing to you. You’ve seen her, what? Three times?”

“Four.”

“Whatever. You are a wreck already. And you don’t even know what the big secret is. What happens when you find out?”

“You sound like Justin, PooFoo.”

“Listen, JC. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. You need to follow your heart and if you believe that Kat is where your heart is leading you right know, then fight for it. But don’t let you head get lost in the process. Really think about what this could lead to. And, no offense man, but think about it from all sides this time. Let’s face it. The thing with Jaclyn almost killed the group and you weren’t really caring about anything or anyone but yourself.”

Lance was stern but soft-spoken. He recognized the look in JC’s eyes and he knew where it could lead. JC needed to hear all this but he didn’t need a lecture. He needed a friend.

“I hear what you’re saying, Lance. I really do. But if you could feel what I feel every time I look at her, you couldn’t walk away either. And we’d probably be on the floor beating the crap out of each other over her right now,” JC chuckled trying to lighten his own mood. It was a futile attempt. “When she shook my hand that first night it was like a bolt of electricity surged through by body. I’ve never felt anything like it. Even with Jaclyn. About fifteen minutes before Kat stumbled into my life I was doubting Joey’s assertion that Jac was not the one. Now it’s become so crystal clear that she wasn’t the one that I want to kick my own ass for putting everyone through what I did because of her. It doesn’t mean that I think that Kat is the one but I know now that there are emotions that I’ve never even tapped into. Kat brought at least a thousand of them out over the past two days. Every time I lock eyes with Kat it gets more intense.”

JC sighed heavily and shook his head, helplessly before looking over at Lance again. “And that scares the shit out of me. Compared to this, my feelings for Jaclyn were lukewarm and when she… when we broke up, it nearly destroyed me and everything we all worked so hard for. I can’t even imagine what a bad ending with Kat would do to me. I know I should get out now just because of the potential for disaster but then I think of how amazing it could be with Kat if it worked. I find myself worrying that she’s not feeling any of this and I guess it possible that she’s not, but everything inside of me is screaming that this kind of intensity could never be one-sided. I don’t know what to do.”

“Only you can decide that, my friend,” Lance said shaking his head ruefully. “So what’s with the bag?”

“Oh, she left it when she ran out.” JC realized he still hadn't put it down. He propped it up next to his chair but as soon as he released the straps, it toppled over, spilling some of the contents. JC’s eye widened as he moved to pickup up the stray items when he saw a small felt-bound notebook with

Kathryn Rose McBride: Private

scribbled on the front. It had to be a diary or something. Lance saw his friend reach for it with wonder in his eyes and shook his head.

“Don’t do it, C. If you really want to have something with this girl this is the worst move you could make.”

“Relax, I’m not going to read it. I just find it ironic that all the answers to my questions probably lie in this little book but if did anything about it, I could pretty much kiss Kat goodbye… only without the kissing part.”

“It could only happen to you, buddy.” Lance said standing up and stretching. “I’m gonna hit the sack. G’night. And do not read it.”

As Kat laid under her covers with the tears streaming, silently down her flushed cheeks, she could think of nothing but how JC’s hands felt on her shoulders. They’d only been there for a split second before Kat pulled away but the feeling was so distinctive that she couldn’t shake it from her thoughts. It was strong and gentle as though he were offering his strength to her. It was the most amazing and the most frightening sensation she’d ever experienced. With Gabriel, she’d always been the strong one- the glue holding his pieces together until it came to a point where she was no longer enough. JC’s touch was one of concern, not one of need.

What scared her was that the roles were reversed. With that brief gesture he had offered her someone to lean on. It was something that could easily become addicting. He had no idea why she was hurting but her offered anyway. It was completely selfless. It was what she had always done for Gabriel.

Within the microsecond that JC’s hands were actually in contact with her, she flashed on their possible future and became so afraid that if she let him hold her that there would be no turning back. He would become that same rock for her that she was for Gabriel and the second that he faltered; the exact moment he wavered, it would destroy everything. It would destroy her. That one moment of contact had been like a psychic flash that allowed her to see the future.

If she was going to be with JC, it wouldn’t be because she needed him to keep her sane. She wanted it to be about want. They’d be together because it was what they wanted and not some tragic need to feel complete when neither of them could ever comprehend the concept at that point in time. However in pulling away from him that night she may have saved herself from what she didn’t want but she may have also sacrificed what she did want.

“Nice going, Mcbride,” Kat mumbled, her voice hoarse from crying. She stretched out from the fetal position she’d tucked herself into nearly an hour before and folded her arms over her face.

What the hell is my problem? A nice, great looking, considerate, successful, and passionate guy shows interest in me- and not only that, but also concern for me, and what do I do? I keep secrets. I snap at him. I leaving him standing alone in the middle of the damn city.

Kat’s navy blue comforter flew half-way across the room as she shot up from her self-pity party. I need to talk to someone. Someone who has nothing to do with any of this. Someone I can spill my guts to… Sheridan.

Kat crawled off her bed and clumsily got up onto her feet. She dug out her address book and grabbed the phone from its cradle. “I hope you care enough not to kill me for calling at this hour, Doctor,” Kat mumbled as she dialed her therapist’s number.

“Hello, you have reached Dr. Isabel Sheridan. I am not available right now. Please leave a message or in case of emergency, please contact Dr. Carl Lawrence at 555-2745. Thank you.”

“Dammit,” Kat huffed, tossing the phone down on the bed. As much as she had wished that Jordan and the others wouldn’t be there when she had gotten back from PA, she wished they were there now.

Eerily, seconds later, the phone’s digital ring started to blare out in the silent room. Kat just stared at it. On one hand it could’ve been Jordan or Erin or someone else she could talk to about the mess forming a fog in her head. On the other hand it could’ve been JC wanting to know just what the hell her problem was. On the fourth ring, the machine picked up and Kat unconsciously held her breath, waiting to see if the person would leave a message.

“Hi you’ve reached Jordan and Kat. We’re both away till Sunday so if you are calling here you probably didn’t know that and therefore you probably don’t know us. Logic would deduce that you probably have the wrong number, k?”

Kat rolled her eyes as her roommate's bubbly, yet verging on bitchy voice came out of the answering machine in a message that was pure Jordan. The beep sounded.

“Hey, Kat. I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now but I had to call and say some things. I never meant to push you into telling me anything you didn’t want to me know. When I saw you on the phone it looked like you were in physical pain and I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I don’t know what this thing is that we’ve got going on here. But I want a chance to know. I think you know what I’m talking about; otherwise you never would have called me tonight. Please, I don’t have a lot of time left here in New York and management just pushed up our flight to Sunday afternoon. I really need to talk to you- in person. Or else it’ll drive me crazy and I’ve experienced a straight jacket- I don’t want to again. Plus you’re going to have see me again anyway. I’ve got your bag.” Click.

Kat stood with her mouth gaping at the message JC had just left. I wasn’t the apology. It wasn’t the plea to see her again. He has my bag. He has my journal. Horror swept over Kat’s already miserable expression. She desperately searched all the mannerisms, all the words, all the gestures of his that she’d cataloged in her mind over the past two days for a clue as to whether or not he was the kind of person to, not only go through someone’s bag, but read a notebook marked private. Her mind raced to think of what she’d wrote about him. He wouldn’t read it, would he? He doesn’t seem like that kind of- but he did listen in while I was on the phone. But I’m sure that was an accident… he said he just wanted to make sure I was ok… But what else would he be willing to do to see if I was ‘ok’? Please, God.

She had a perrfect memory of what could happen when someone took her journal and read things out of the context of her own mind. It scared her to death.

“Uggh! Why do I even bother!” Rey cried, throwing her pencil across Kat’s bedroom. Kat, Renee, and Sylvia had been studying for a Trig test for the past hour and a half.

“I say we strike against the math department. There are way too many numbers,” Kat stated seriously before the three girls erupted into giggles. “Ok, making and proceeding to laugh at bad jokes is a definite sign that we need sugar and/or caffeine. Who’s with me?”

“Me!” Sylvia and Rey called out as they all forced themselves out their settled positions around Kat’s room.

Kat eyed her desk before closing her door behind her, making sure that her journal was where she’d left it. Twenty minutes later, the girls returned, stuffed with the chocolate chip cookies that the Da Nate’s cook, Mrs. Murphy, had made that day.

“You know, why can’t I have my mom run off to Europe and leave me in the lap of luxury?” Rey spouted and she sat back down on Kat’s floor.

“I’d trade places with you in a second,” Kat said, absentmindedly and her eyes fell on her desk. The notebook was gone.

It what seemed like a split second, Kat had bolted out her door and down the hall to her 14-year-old sister, Abigail’s room. “Abbie, open the door, NOW!” Kat screamed, pounding on the door. “I swear to God, you are dead if you did what I think you did!”

“Jeeze, Kat, I thought you were supposed to be stable now,” an all too familiar voice said from behind her. She whipped around to see Abigail smirking. “I think its WAY past medication time for you, big sis.” In her hands, plain as day was Kat’s journal.

“Give it back, you little-”

“Little what?” Kat cringed at the voice of her stepmother. “I asked you a question, Kathryn.”

“Little bitch, Charlotte.” Kat spouted, defiantly.

“You would do well to apologize,” Charlotte stated coolly. Her long blond hair was pulled up into a tight twist and her clothes were pure Upper East Side. Her appearance was flawless. Its amazing how having no soul is so good for the complexion, Kat had often chided.

“I wouldn’t apologize to that conniving little monster if my life depended on it. She stole something that belongs to me and she’s going to give it back if I have to rip every blond hair out of her head.” No one brought out Kat’s confrontational side like the Da Nate’s. She showed no fear of them and that made her a threat. It was bad enough that Andrew Da Nate had admitted to fathering Kat, but now she was living among them like some walking blemish on the Da Nate name.

“Did you take something of Kathryn’s, sweet,” Charlotte asked, not taking her eyes off Kat.

“Well, mother, it has our names in it. I think we should be allowed to read it.” Abigail’s eyes also bore into Kat. One of their stares was enough to make Kat’s skin crawl but both of them made her want to go shower, continuously. “I think you’d be very interested to know what she has to say about you.”

“That is mine and I want it back.”

“Well, if you’re so fond of writing, Miss Kathryn, you should share your gift. Give it to me, Abigail.”

“You are unbelievable. Are you made of human parts?” Kat shook her head incredulously as Abigail handed her journal to Charlotte.

“Nordic Ice Princess, eh?” Charlotte said, emotionless, skimming the pages before looking Kat straight in the eye. “I don’t think you really want to see how cold I can get, little girl.”

“I’m shaking. Listen, I don’t care what you read about how much I can’t stand you or being here because its no secret. But that is my property and you will give it back.”

“Or what?” Charlotte inquired confidently. “What exactly are you going to do, Kathryn? Run to your father? What has he ever done that gives you the impression that he gives a damn about you? You are a responsibility to him. You aren’t a person. Your own Brit-trash mother didn’t want you around. What makes you think anyone else wants you? If you can stand us or being here, then what are you still doing here? You’re 18, now. Could it be that you’re as much of money-grubbing slut as your mother was?”

Kat was speechless. Her mind screamed to say something back but her mouth couldn’t form the words. For the first time, the Da Nate’s had seen her cry.

The next morning, JC dressed and shuffled from his room to the elevator and down to the private dining room reserved for the band and their crew. The guys had been no where to be found upstairs and JC wondered what force of nature was able to get the guys up and downstairs on time after the night they’d had before. JC had finally tried to get to sleep around 3:30am and Justin, Joey, and Chris still weren’t in.

Surprisingly, once he entered the dining room, he found all them plus a Mississippian sitting down, devouring their breakfasts. He sauntered over to the buffet and grabbed a bagel and made his way over to them. He knew he should eat more but his stomach was still doing flip-flops in anticipation of Kat’s reaction to his phone call. He’d left the next move up to her and there was nothing more to do.

“Morning,” JC said, his voice still gravelly from the little sleep he managed to get the night before. The four boys nodded and grunted, not bothering to take a breath from shoveling their food into their mouths. “How’d Mel manage to get you boys up so early?” JC asked referred to one of their security team as he tore off a piece of his bagel and popped it in his mouth.

“Never went to bed,” Joey managed in between bites.

“You guys are going to be like zombies today,” Lance shook his head as he pushing his clean plate away from him.

“Can’t put a price on a good time,” Joey ground out, also finishing up.

“What about the price of our careers when the bottom drops out of Justy’s fan base after they see him looking like the Timberlake that Time Forgot on Regis and Kathy Lee,” JC pointed out, ruffling Justin’s curly mess, eliciting a warning grunt from the youngster. “What the hell did you guys do last night?”

“We could tell you but then we’d have to kill you,” Chris quipped.

“What did I say about the Top Gun references?” Justin grumbled, finally looking up from his bowl of cereal for the first time since JC entered the room.

“Welcome back from the Land of the Lost, JuJu,” JC congratulated, slapping him on the back.

“Never mind what we did last night,” Joey said, taking a sip of his orange juice. “What did you do last night?”

“Longer story than we have time to tell,” JC said stretching out his arms. “Had you come in at a normal hour last night you might have heard it when Lance did.”

“Which would suggest that you were in at a normal hour last night which speaks for itself,” Joey chuckled.

“Knock it off,” Lance interrupted, “We have a long day today, can we get some focus?”

“Exactly,” JC exclaimed, throwing his hand up. He made a mental note to thank Mrs. Bass for raising her son right.

“Uh, guys, especially JC, we may have a little situation here,” James, a member of their management team, declared pulling up a seat. The guys looked over at him expectantly. “Its nothing big but it needs to be dealt with right away.”

“Holy Shit,” Kat muttered as she stared at the computer screen.

“I know! Jeeze, Kat, you knew I loved them and you haven’t hooked me up with Joey yet?”

Kat sat in Kimmy Gibson’s room across the hall from her own. Moments before, the perky redhead had come banging on her door with the ferocity of a freshman frat jock at a party looking for where they hid the secret keg. Kimmy was boy band-girl. 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, and of course Nsync all played an important roll in her decorating savvy. She’d been reading Internet message boards for her favorite boys that morning and had come across something she thought Kat would appreciate.

“God, the girl across the hall is dating JC Chasez. My life has reached its pinnacle.”

“Get control, Kimmy,” Kat said flatly still staring at her picture plastered on an Internet web site. “We’re not dating.”

“Well a lot of people are gonna think you are. I mean I know you and I wasn’t even sure what to think.”

There were several pictures from the night before that sure as hell made them look very comfortable with each other. The first was of them sitting across the table from one another with their eyes locked dramatically. Kat’s spine tingled at the sight out what they looked like from the outside. They looked very comfortable indeed.

“Hey ya’ll,” Kat read out loud, “I just thought you all would be interested in knowing that our Big Daddy has been seen with an unidentified lady around my hometown, NYC. As you can see, they look very close so he’s probably known her for a while. I was in a café when I saw them walk in and I thought I would die right there! I ran next door to a bodega and bought a disposable camera. I didn’t want to interrupt because I heard he hates it when fans interrupt him eating but I managed to sneak a few pictures. As you can see she’s wearing a Columbia Lions jacket so she’s an Ivy League girl. Guess he likes ‘em smart. But I’ve heard that Columbia girls are really stuck up. I’m sure if she is that JC will see through her and kick that bitch to the curb. I tried to see the name written on the jacket but all I saw was a ‘K’. Well that’s all I know but I’ve heard rumors all ready that some other people have spotted him with a dark-haired girl. Anyway, your guess is as good as mine but mine happens to be that this Nsync-er isn’t as single and ready to mingle as they’d like us to believe! Later girls! – Trish.”

“Kat, speaking as someone who is a completely obsessed Nsync fan, I can tell you right now that hate sites are going to be popping up all over the place and fans are gonna be stalking campus looking for you with a print out of one of those pictures clutched in their little hands like a mug shot.”

Kat stared at Kimmy like she’d lost her mind. Kimmy ignored and continued, “Hell, if it was Joey you were dating I’d be burning you in effigy with the rest of them.”

“We are NOT DATING!”

“Calm down, Big Mommy… er… I mean Kat.”

“I really don’t appreciate this right now. What the hell am I supposed to do? What does one do in a situation like this?”

“I dunno,” Kimmy shrugged. “Get in touch with Topanga?”

“Who?”

“Never mind.”

“I have to go lie down or walk or something,” Kat said her head spinning.

“Well, you go do that and if anything else pops up I’ll let ya know, k?” Kimmy called as Kat walked out the door.

I can’t believe this! I didn’t even think of this. He is a God damned teen idol, adored by millions of girls! He can’t even admit that he dates in public. Oh my god, I wonder if he knows about this? Will he blame me? Don’t be stupid. Why would he blame you? How the hell did you expect this to work? You are a total basket case and he is Pop icon. Your world alone eats potential meaningful relationships for breakfast. His would appear to eat them for three course meals. You were going to combine them!? How could this ever work? You were worried about him reading your damn journal. Now his business is splattered all over the Internet and you responsible for at least part of that.

Kat paced the length of her room trying to quell the internal commentary. She grabbed her medication from the bathroom and popped one into the back of her throat almost making her gag. The whole situation was just a little more than she could handle at once. The phone rang, shrilly and her eyes darted to where it sat on her bed.

lildev3@hotmail.com