NOTE: “Matthew Hammond” has been changed to “Patrick Hammond”. I didn’t want any confusion between this Matt and the Matt that JC’s girlf was cheating on him with in “Turn”. Got it? It hasn’t been corrected in chapters 1 and 2 yet but will soon.
Chapter Five
Tuesday, 5, October, 1999
Dear No one In particular,
It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in damn recording studio. A month ago, if someone had told me that not only would I be here but that I’d be happy, I kick their ass for teasing me. Happy. I’m happy. At least I think I’m happy. I don’t think I’ve ever had a genuine moment of happiness in my life- not one that I could trust, at least. But if this is happiness, damn. He’s singing right now. The range of emotion on his face at this very moment… I’ve been writing in these journals for a long time now and I just can’t seem to put into words what I’m seeing- or hearing for that matter. The process is pretty technical but still… wow.
Every now and then I wonder about Gabriel. I wonder if he knows what I’m doing. I wonder if he’s happy I’ve finally started to move on. I wonder if he’s mad because I said I’d love him forever. I do still love him. I do. But I can’t stay handcuffed to a dead body. I have to move on. I think I am. I think I finally am. If I don’t, then I’m as good as dead and I know that. Living became unbearable after Gabriel died. It got better. But I’m not sure if JC hadn’t come along, what I’d be like right now. I mean I’m sleeping now- nightmare free. I’m not afraid to close my eyes anymore. JC gave that back to me. Whatever happens with us, I’ll always love him for that.
Other than that, things have been good. The play is coming along, soccer is good, the sisters are getting kinda testy with me since I haven’t been in the Greek loop lately. God knows, meds are a pain. But now I have a reason to keep up with them. I want to be in my right head for JC. I don’t’ want to ever have him go through what I went through with Gabe when he went off his meds. No one you care about should ever have to go through that.
Well, it looks like JC is done for the night so I’m going to wrap this up early. Plus I don’t want anyone reading over my shoulder like Chris was before. Deep breaths, one day at a time… yeah yeah yeah haha.
Sincerely,
Kitty
Kat laid on her side on the couch she never used in Dr. Sheridan’s office. She looked up, wondering what her therapist would have to say about the recent development in her patient’s life. Kat knew her journal entries have been a little less about exploring herself and a little more about exploring herself in relation to people around her. It wasn’t just JC. She was dealing with her problems with Sylvia and Renee, struggling with Kevin’s attraction to her, and obsessing about Charlotte’s renewed interest in knocking her down off her notches.
Sheridan’s face revealed nothing, as always. She never gave anything away before she opened her mouth.
“So Kat, why this entry?”
“Ummm, it’s the only one I’ve written since our last session?” Kat winced at her admission, dreading Sheridan’s reaction. All she got was a stern cocked eyebrow.
“Kat, I can’t say I’m pleased to hear that, but this is your tool. This is what you use to get perspective. Use it or not, its your choice, but keep in mind that it’s that book that has kept you on track for so long. I know you may feel like you have JC to do that now but you can’t stop relying on yourself.”
Kat nodded silently already knowing the truth of Dr. Sheridan’s words. She wasn’t relying on JC so much as allowing her relationship with him to throw her off track. She had a very specific regimen she had to keep in order to keep in control but the way she felt when she was around JC made her feel almost normal and that was dangerous.
“What about sorority life?” Sheridan posed, taking off her glasses and wiping them with a handy tissue. “You mentioned things weren’t going so well?”
“It’s not that,” Kat sighed, not wanting to get into the subject. “No one’s particularly happy that I’ve been missing Greek functions and meetings. I mean, Jordan seems to understand, especially since she knows the only reason I pledged was because of her. I just…” Kat groaned in frustration, reaching up to pulled the rubber band out of her hair and re-doing the sloppy knot at the base of her neck.
“It’s okay, Kat,” Sheridan prompted. “You just what?”
“I just wish I could make everyone happy at the same time.”
“Explain that.”
“I mean, after Gabriel died, I just ran around left and right trying to find things to fill up my time, all that emptiness that he left me with. The plays, the sorority, the hospital, soccer… Now, I feel my life filling back up and I just don’t want to have anything or anyone pushed out. I want everyone to be happy.”
“But you don’t want to drown either, do you Kat?”
“No…” Kat’s simple answer was overshadowed by the pensive look that swept over her face as she stared intently at the floor, her fingers picking at that one fraying edge of the green felt cover of her journal. “Doc, am I ever going to be normal?”
Dr. Sheridan exhaled, thoughtfully. “I’ve got a better question, Kat. What’s so great about being normal?”
Kat laughed. Sheridan had an uncanny ability to know the right thing to say at any given time- exactly what she needed to hear. “You better not spread that sentiment around or you might find yourself out of a job.”
“Well, I know you’ll keep on coming back no matter how good you feel about yourself, so I think I’m safe.”
“Too true,” Kat agreed. “How many summer houses has my father paid for with these sessions so far?”
“No, no,” Sheridan protested. “Just the Jag.”
Kat slipped into her seat in the large lecture hall, her eyes following the professor as he worked his way to the front of the room, stopping occasionally to answer a question or say hello to a random co-ed. Kat rolled her eyes at his overt and unapologetic flirtations. She leaned down to pull her notebook out of her bag when she noticed a new face climb the stairs beside her. She had thought she touched base with everyone who sat near her- for note purposes- but the girl, who’d taken a seat beside her, didn’t even strike her as familiar. Kat shook off her overly attentive observations when Professor Jaffey called the class to order.
Forty-five minutes later, Kat’s head lolled slightly to the side, despite her best attempts to stay awake. She shook her head trying to clear the fog and eyed Jaffey. He wandered back and forth across the front of the large lecture hall spouting something about the connection between Percy Shelly, James Dean, and Han Solo, continually adjusting his tie at the knot. Kat wondered if this was nervous habit for several minutes before snapping herself back to reality.
She shifted in her seat, straitening up and attempting to at least appear like she was paying attention. She pulled the gnawed Bic ballpoint pen from her mouth and began to twirl it around the fingers of her right hand. Instead of concentrating on her Social Psychology lecture, she proceeded to contemplate why she couldn’t seem to pay attention to ANY professor she had.
Are they ALL just that boring? She discreetly glanced around the lecture hall. People seemed to be into the topic- some were nodding their head, some were… Oh wait! They’re smiling… he’s funny?
She directed her attention back to the front to see what was so damn interesting. Of course, she never got hat far. The notes on the board from the Intro to Computers class held the previous period were far too attention grabbing. After all, she took the class the semester before and just had to see if they’d changed anything.
ADD. I must have ADD. That’s all I need. Add Ritalin to my list of prescriptions. I could just ask around. This is college, after all. Someone’s bound to have Ritalin. I wonder if mixing Ritalin with my mood stabilizers would be bad or bad in a good way…
“Miss McBride? It’s not a trick question.”
Kat was shaken out of her internal commentary by Jaffey’s voice and the subsequent chuckles form the rest of the class.
How does he know my name?
“Miss Mc Bride? I noticed you were benched last game so don’t blame it on a head injury.”
Fucking soccer.
Kat didn’t particularly appreciate 500 pairs of eyes on her. She knew if she paid attention she wouldn’t be put in these situations time and again but Jaffey was just being a smart ass about it.
“What was the question?” Kat asked through a tight smile, trying like hell to keep her own smart-ass side in check. The last thing she needed was a pissed-off professor in control of her GPA.
“Ever worked for the mob?”
“Pardon?”
“We were discussing gift/debt culture and I was wondering if you’ve ever worked for the mob.”
“I used to ‘date’ Carlos Gambino’s grandson in pre-school. Does that count?”
“Not really but I’m sure we’re all fascinated to have a mafia princess in our midst.”
“As you should be.” Okay, Kat, stop flirting with the horny psych professor.
“Okay, Miss McBride, weekend assignment: Infiltrate the mob.”
“Gotcha,” Kat smirked tossing the middle-aged man a mock salute.
Class wound down, uneventfully and Kat gathered her belongings as Jaffey ran off the class’s real weekend homework.
“That was an adventure,” a voice said from behind her.
Kat turned and smiled at the girl she’d noticed before class began. “Yeah, I feel like it’s pick on Kat year.”
They started to walk toward the exit when the girl introduced herself. “I’m Lynn.”
Kat smiled and took the girl’s outstretched hand. “Kat. Nice to meet you.”
“Same here. Listen, do you have something after this? Do you want to grab some coffee or something?”
Kat hesitated momentarily and Lynn was quick to explain.
“I’m not some psycho or anything. I just transferred in and I don’t know anyone in this city. Hearing you talk in class, you kinda remind me of some of my friends from home and well…”
Kat smiled reassuringly as Lynn’s voice drifted off. “So, where’s home?” she asked as they walked down the front steps of Keller Hall.
“Originally I’m from Long Island but I grew up for the most part in a small suburb of Milwaukee. You?”
“NYC, born and raised,” Kat smiled, instinctively leading the way to Beth’s. She thought twice, though, passing the small café by and leading Lynn to a nearby diner.
Beth’s was her place. She’d never taken anyone there but JC and despite her long since sated ginger tea craving, she wasn’t about to bring a stranger there.
“A diner?” Lynn looked disappointed. “Wasn’t there a café right back there?”
“Yeah, but this diner has the best coffee in the city,” Kat lied. She didn’t know this diner from any other of the thousands in the city. It was just that the more she thought about it, the more she didn’t want to go there with this girl.
“Really? Ok. It’s just that I keep hearing about these New York café’s…”
“Trust me,” Kat insisted gently yet firmly.
Five minutes later, the two were seated in a booth waiting on the waitress and chatting idly.
“I didn’t think Columbia allowed mid-semester transfers,” Kat said bringing her legs up to sit Indian style.
“Well, there were extenuating circumstances,” Lynn shrugged, looking up at the waitress who’d just come over.
“What can I get you girls?”
“Just coffee for me,” Lynn ordered.
“Me too,” Kat smiled. She really wasn’t a coffee drinker but after telling Lynn that this place had the best coffee in the city she thought it’d be odd to turn around and order tea. “So Lynn, what dorm are you living in?”
“Oh, I’m living off campus.”
Kat nodded, searching for something to say. “How do you like the city so far?”
“Oh, its incredible. A little scary but overall, I can’t wait to just jump in and see everything.”
“Just try not to look like a tourist. New Yorkers are some of the best people around but there’s no shortage of people looking to take advantage of the unsuspecting.”
“What if you showed me around? I mean, being a native New Yorker, you must know this city like the back of your hand.”
Kat would normally not have a problem with her request but her time was stretched so thin already. With JC in town, she wanted to donate every free minute to spending time with him. His recording agenda didn’t allow for a lot of alone time and she didn’t want to add another dimension to their already crazy schedules.
“I’d love to really, but I’m kinda spread thin this semester as it is and a very good friend of mine is only going to be in town for a short time,” Kat said regretfully. “If you want to wait on the tour a few weeks, we might be able to…” Kat drifted off as an idea sprang to mind. “Wait, I know someone who might be able to show you around. He’s just as native as I am and he’s incredibly friendly. His name is Kevin and he’s a really good friend of mine. I could introduce you if you want.”
“Um, sure. The more people I know the merrier, right?”
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Kat smiled warmly. Of course, she had an ulterior motive. Lynn was an attractive girl and this could be the distraction Kevin needed to get over his little crush. Even if they didn’t hit it off like that, she’d at least keep him busy while JC was in town.
About ten minutes after their coffee arrived, Kat’s cell phone interrupted a very deep conversation about the meaning of the Dirt Mall scene in ‘Mallrats’. Kat smiled apologetically as she pulled the phone out of her bag. “Hello?”
“Hey sweetie, whatcha up to right now?”
A warm smile crept over her lips at JC’s voice. “I’m sitting in a diner, having some coffee. Why?”
“You don’t drink coffee,” JC said confused.
“I know. You didn’t answer my question.”
“Well we have a break and I wanted to know if you were free for lunch. But if you’re busy…”
“No, no, where can I meet you?” Kat cringed slightly at how rude that must have sounded to Lynn, but she woke up that morning wanting to see JC’s face and she wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity.
“How bout I pick you up and we take it from there.”
Kat didn’t miss the mischief in his voice. She was getting very good at picking up his mannerisms. “Okay, gimme ten minutes to get back to Ruggles.”
“Ok, see you then, baby.”
“See you then,” Kat giggled before tucking the phone back into her back. “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be,” Lynn smiled before she could finish. “Boyfriend?”
“Good friend,” Kat corrected, not wanted to let anything slip to the girl who was still, for all intents and purposes, a stranger. She knew she should be more careful talking to him in public, even on the phone. It was kind of hard to hide the feelings she had for the person on the other end of the line.
“If you say so,” Lynn said shaking her head. “Well, I’ll let you go then.”
“Thanks. Here’s my number and if I don’t get to see you before, I’ll see you Monday in class,” Kat said as she scrawled her number on a napkin.
“Thanks Kat,” Lynn smiled warmly. “It feels good to finally know someone.”
“Well, it was nice to meet you too. Don’t forget to use that, now,” she smiled, nodding at the napkin.
Ten minutes later, Kat approached the steps of Ruggles to see the familiar town car parked out front. She smiled broadly as she approached it and knocked on the tinted window. The window rolled down and bouquet of sterling roses peeked out. They’d fast become her favorite flower. She’d dried the one JC gave her the night of the Charity Ball and kept it on the stand next to her bed at all times.
“Do I get points for punctuality?” his smooth voice came from inside the car.
Kat took the flowers from his grasp and grinned evilly. “You would if I didn’t know for a fact that you were here when you called.”
“Oh come on! You couldn’t have possibly have known that,” JC pouted.
“You’re absolutely right. You just told me.”
“Man,” JC bowed his head. “Do I ever not walk into that one?”
“Nope,” she giggled.
“C’mon beautiful, get in,” JC chuckled.
Kat climbed in, kissing JC gently on the lips, lingering momentarily before relaxing against his side. “I’ll tell you what you do get points for though.”
“What’s that?”
“Being here to begin with,” she said softly, taking his hand in hers. “Being here with me.”
JC’s breath caught in his throat. She always knew what to say to get that reaction out of him yet she set out to achieve it. “Ditto, kiddo,” he breathed, pressing a kiss into the top of her head.
“So where are we going?”
JC smiled to himself, shaking his head. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Fine,” Kat pouted momentarily before her she sat up straight remembering something. “Oh, wait…” she said to herself, digging her cell out of her bag.
“Whatdya forget?”
“I just have to call Kevin real quick.” Kat chuckled lightly at JC’s groan. “I’ve told you time and again. Kevin is harmless and a good friend of mine.” She dialed his number nimbly from memory, impressed with herself since Kevin was always the one to call her. After several rings, his voice mail picked up. Kat listened patiently to his message, speaking up promptly after the beep. “Hey Kev, it’s Kat. Gimme a call on my cell when you get this. I have a mission for you so don’t forget, okay? This message will self-destruct in five seconds.”
JC laughed at her cheesy message and grunted when she delivered a playful punch to his arm. “Hey, don’t bruise the commodity,” he joked.
“What did I tell you about that?” Kat scolded with a pinch to his side.
“To never refer to myself as a commodity, playfully or otherwise in your presence,” he recited, rubbing the tender spot where she’d just pinched him.
“That’s right,” she nodded. “You go right ahead and kid all you want when I’m not around but I never want to hear you say that about yourself.”
JC hugged her tightly to him. “You’re incredible, you know that?”
“Just honest,” she laughed.
“Same thing to me,” JC breathed, stroking her hand with his thumb.
The car slowed and Kat peered out the window for the first time since she got in. “What are we doing here?” she asked as Buddy, the driver, came around and opened her door.
“You’ll see.”
Kat took Buddy’s hand as she climbed out of the car and squinted against the bright sunlight.
JC followed, closing the door behind him and moving the front passenger side. He opened the door and pulled out a picnic basket and blanket. Kat stifled a giggle at the gesture. He turned around wearing the most adorable face she’d ever seen and she found herself grinning much the same way.
“Picnic in Central Park?” she cocked an eyebrow playfully. “You are so cute.”
JC chuckled a bit, bowing his head. “I try.”
“One thing, though. It’s kind of October.”
“A beautiful day in October, you mean. Probably the last beautiful day before fall really kicks in, so I say we enjoy it.”
“I didn’t know Florida boys knew about seasons. I’m impressed.”
“Hey, I was a Maryland boy first.”
“Granted, but there’s one more problem. Isn’t this a big security faux pas?”
“Nah,” JC said claiming her hand. “Well, yeah, probably. But James has been in meetings since he got here yesterday, so what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him and Patrick can kiss my ass if he has a problem with it.”
“Thems fightin’ words,” Kat laughed.
“That guy just bugs me. And if I have a chance to bug him back and be with you at the same time… I think I’ve found the only way I want to spend my free time.”
“Oh, I see how it is,” Kat laughed. “I’m like the biker guy some pampered princess would bring home to piss her parents off.”
“No,” JC insisted. “Absolutely not. I have never ever thought of you as a biker. Do you have any tattoos, by the way?”
“I’m not sure you’ll ever get to find out at this rate,” she kidded back.
“Damn,” JC sighed as they laid out the blanket.
“So seriously, why no Mel today?”
“He was otherwise occupied.”
“Justin wanted to go to the mall?”
“Affirmative. That always requires the whole team. That’s why we’ll usually go shopping together if we need something or we just send someone out. Mel did, however, say that he’s ring my scrawny neck if I tried to go out without security while he was gone, though.”
“JC!”
“What? Buddy’s right over there and this spot is virtually empty.”
“First of all, Buddy’s a driver, not a bodyguard. Second of all, this is New York and this place could be flooded with people before you can say ‘Omigod, its Nsync.’ Third of all—”
Kat was silenced by JC’s index finger over her lips. “Kat, you need to relax and enjoy your lunch,” he smiled. “If anything happens, we’ll just hop in the car and high-tail it back to the hotel. No worries.”
“Fine, if you’re not worried, then I won’t worry either,” Kat sighed.
They spent the next half hour just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Kat told him about Lynn and what Kevin’s ‘mission’ would be. She didn’t tell him the whole story, never having told JC of Kevin’s crush on her. He had some inkling from stories she’d told him that Kevin had a more than friendly interest in her but she was committed to playing dumb about it. When they’d first started talking, she wasn’t sure if he’d be the type of boyfriend who’d get super-possessive at the mention of another guy liking her and after she concluded he wasn’t, she just didn’t want to get into the back story. It didn’t seem relevant.
“So,” JC exhaled, stuffing what they hadn’t finished back into the basket, “how was your meeting with the Doctor this morning?”
“Good,” Kat said. “I’m feeling kind of restless these days though and I haven’t exactly been keeping up with my journal. She wasn’t too happy about that.”
“You didn’t tell me that. Why haven’t you been writing?”
“Well…” Kat thought for a moment. She didn’t want to say that she’d been too busy talking to and being with him. She’d come to learn how his mind worked and he’d think he was making her worse by being around. “I’ve just been swamped with school work and the play and soccer and…”
“Me?”
“JC,” she sighed, shaking her head, “truthfully, you are a bit of a distraction but out of everything in my life, you’re the only thing I’d wouldn’t be willing to give up if it came down to that.”
“Kat, as much as it touches me to hear you say that, it scares me, too.”
“We’ve gone through, this JC,” Kat sighed.
“Just hear me out. You mean so much to me, more than I thought I could care about anyone again. I need to know that you’ll take care of yourself. If I’m ever in the way of that, you have to tell me,” JC said, running a finger down her cheek. Her eyes, so expressive, told him everything he needed to know. He took a deep breath, taking the moment to decided if he really wanted to say what he was about to say, and continued. “Since the moment I met you, I knew you were someone I could fall in love with. I don’t want to scare you but I have to tell you that, over the past month, I’ve—”
Before he could finish his sentence a Frisbee flew out of nowhere and nailed him in the side of the head. “Oh my god,” Kat yelled, trying not to laugh as JC held the side of his head. “Here, let me see,” she said moving closer.
“I’m so sorry,” a young man called out, running toward him, with a small boy no older than four or five in his arms and puppy nipping at his feet.
“No problem,” JC laughed, picking up the Frisbee and handing it to the small boy. “Kid’s got some arm.”
“Hear that slugger?” the young man said bouncing the child in his arms. “We’re going to move up to baseballs soon, aren’t we?”
“Please, make sure I’m not around when you do,” JC laughed rubbing his head.
“Sorry, again. C’mon slugger. We’ll teach Scout to fetch some more tomorrow.”
Kat smiled at the young father and his son as they walked away. She turned back to JC, and laughed out loud at his pitiful expression. “Aww, you ok slugger?” she cooed, stroking the side of his head that’d been hit.
“It’s not funny,” he pouted moving to place his head in her lap. “That kid gave me a concussion.”
“Do I have to add hypochondriac to our collective list of neuroses?” Kat teased.
JC’s laugh faded as he reveled in the feel of her hands, which were now massaging his scalp.
“Better?”
“Mmmhmmm,” he groaned. He glanced down at his watch let out a groan with a much less pleasant connotation than his last. “We have to get going. I’m due back in the studio in twenty minutes.”
“Ok, you grab the basket, I’ll grab the blanket,” she said, moving quickly, causing JC’s head to hit the ground.
“You know,” he said though clenched teeth. “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were trying to kill me slowly.”
“C’mon, slow poke,” she ignored his comment. “You’re the one with some place to be, not me.”
“You have no where you have to be, huh?” JC smirked.
“No…” Kat said slowly.
“Wanna hang out at the studio for a while?”
“JC,” she sighed, “you know I’d love to spend every minute I can with you but…” She thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “Hanging out at the studio is boring.”
JC grunted, clutching his chest over his heart. “Right through the heart, Kat.”
“I’m sorry, but JC, the first few days were awesome, seeing you guys sing but I know the song by heart. I could be the sixth member.”
“Imagine the rumors that would start, Yoko,” JC laughed, grabbing her hand as they started back toward the car. “So it’s settled then, right? You’re coming.”
Kat laughed, leaning her head in the crook of JC’s arm. “Ok, JC. I’ll come.”
“Does this mean I’m irresistible? Is that was this means?”
“Don’t push you’re luck,” Kat said giving him a jab to the side.
“I am going to have visible bruises there if you don’t stop that,” JC laughed, twirling Kat around so that she was walking backward and capturing both of her hands behind her.
“And I’m going to fall on my ass if you don’t let me go,” Kat laughed, stumbling every few steps as they walked.
“I won’t let you fall,” JC smiled.
“I know.”