Chapter One
It was as if a page had been pulled out of the New York Times Society section and was crossed with a Noel Coward play on Prozac. The formal gowns and imported suits; the haughty conversation and hollow toasts, congratulating each other on being members of New York's very own Mount Olympus. Everyone seemed acquainted. There was no awkward introductions or silences. Everyone was regal in countenance with just the right amount of snobbery seeping through their collective attitude— a tell-tale sign of a Da Nate birthday extravaganza. At a distance a stringed orchestra offered a pleasing hum, perfecting the scene playing out in front of Kathryn McBride.
Kat sighed warily as she regarded the gathered New York elite. The waiters, with their brass buttons on their full dress coats, moved effortlessly from group to group— silent, unobtrusive— serving champagne and martinis. She struggled to recall just why she was attending the spectacle before her. As her eyes passed over the throngs of designer-clad bodies, she found the memory. Daphne, her youngest sister, had begged her to come. How could she say no to the only sibling she had who treated her like a human being.
It was Abigail’s 17th birthday. Therefore, the party was not only a collection of New York’s upper crust, but a good chunk of them were under 18. Kat cringed at the way these kids held themselves. Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen— these were the ages where brat rich kids began to see themselves as more than the privileged few, but as entitled to their posh lifestyle and above those whose own didn’t compare. Of course there was the odd exception but in Kat’s experience, such exceptions were few and far between.
Her gaze met Daphne’s and her features immediately softened. She threw a wink across the ballroom, making the five-year-old giggle. She was surrounded by their father, Abigail, Bethany, Cecile, and Charlotte, the Nordic Ice Princess. They were having a family picture taken. It was times like this that made Kat believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only reason Charlotte invited her to these functions was to show her just how much she wasn’t a part of that family.
They were all smiling brightly. To make matters worse, they were all smiling sincerely. They were legitimately happy, or as happy as people such as themselves could be. Kat’s heart wrenched for Daphne. She wanted to believe that it was her sister’s natural sweetness that made her different. She wanted to believe that with the dissipation of her youth, her heart wouldn’t follow. She made a wish in her heart every day for that to be true. The sad thing was that Bethany and Cecile had both adored Kat at Daphne’s age as well. Those days were a thing of the past.
Kat snatched up a glass full of amber liquid from the tray of a passing waiter. She downed the celebratory champagne in one gulp, shooting a ‘what-are-you-looking-at’ glance at a group of the afore mentioned upper crust. She then let out a hopeless chuckle before setting the empty glass on another passing tray and picking up a refill. She settled back against the far wall of the stunningly decorated ballroom. She wrapped one arm around herself, balancing the other atop it as she sipped from the glass. If Charlotte was trying to prove a point, it was coming across loud and clear.
Exhaling a defeated sigh, Kat set her glass on the floor beside her and made her way to the door. She resolved to retreat to the kitchen and wait for Daphne to be dismissed to bed. That way she could say good night without having to see anyone else. The ballroom resided off the main hall of the Da Nate’s Upper East-Side palace, which sat on the top three stories of the Da Nate Building. Kat slipped through the door without drawing any attention to herself— not at all hard considering just about everyone in the room too full of his or her own self-importance to notice anything.
The main hall was very bright, mainly built of gray and white marble. Kat reached down to pull off the black heels she’d been donning all evening so as not to make a racket or scuff on the million-dollar, newly buffed marble floor and scurried barefoot across the hall and towards the kitchen. She successfully navigated the adjoining hallways and pushed through the swinging doors of the kitchen. A warm smile greeted her as well as a knowing nod. Mrs. Murphy, the Da Nate’s head chef, motioned for Kat to sit at one of the stools around the island she was working at.
“That bad, huh?” Mrs. Murphy sighed sympathetically.
“Well, as soon as Abby’s psuedo-friends were done grilling me about Jace and the other guys, they all kinda lost interest. That kind of left me to my own devices and you know as well as I do,” Kat grinned evilly, “that’s never a good thing.”
“Enough about those pampered little brats,” Mrs. Murphy chuckled. “It’s my turn to grill you about this new boyfriend.”
Kat groaned good-naturedly. Mrs. Murphy was always so kind to her, she found herself always going to her for advice when she’d lived there. She was very easy to talk to talk to and someone Kat trusted a great deal. While she refused to give up the goodies to Abigail and her cohorts, Mrs. Murphy was a safe bet.
The stout, gray-haired woman let out a short laugh, the twinkle in her eye getting brighter by the second. “C’mon, dearie,” she grinned, nudging Kat lightly.
Kat shook her head ruefully and grabbed a cookie for one of the dessert platters before speaking up. “Well, I think we’re doing ok,” Kat smiled warmly. “Ya know, considering that I haven’t seen him in almost three weeks.”
“Gotta be tough,” Mrs. Murphy nodded. “But you talk, sure?”
“Oh, yeah,” Kat laughed. “We talk almost everyday. If we can’t get each other on the phone, we’ll email. He’s even written me some actual letters.”
“Snail-mail, eh?”
Kat laughed out loud at the sixty-seven-year-old’s use of the term.
“What? I’m hip,” Mrs. Murphy defended herself.
“I know, Mrs. M.,” Kat laughed. “You know what the best part is?”
“What’s that?”
“I haven’t had a nightmare since the day we met.”
“Well any boy that can do that for you is ok in my book, darlin’,” Mrs. Murphy said with genuine empathy.
“That’s the thing, though,” Kat started, her voice full of awe. “He’s done so much for me by just being there, just existing. I feel like I haven’t done anything for him but add another complication to his life. I mean, these past few weeks, just talking, have made me want to be with this guy more than anything in this world.”
“Yeah, but, sweetie, that’s a good thing,” Mrs. Murphy said patting Kat’s shoulder reassuringly.
“I know, I know,” Kat said thoughtfully. “I just feel like it’s selfish, somehow. Plus, I feel so out of control and it’s like I’m slipping deeper into him every day. I feel like I won’t be able to find my way out and it makes me wonder if that’s how Gabriel felt.”
“I know what you’re getting at, Kat,” Mrs. Murphy said sitting down beside her with a look a purpose passing over her features. “Trust me, kiddo. I know love. You know, my Bill died in the war. I met him less than two weeks before he shipped out to France but we fell in love almost immediately. Now, I don’t know— maybe it was the times. War makes everything seem urgent. But this I do know… love is many different things but it is never safe and it will never make sense. There is always a risk. You’re not supposed to be in control where love is concerned. It has nothing to do with the problems you have had in the past. I know you loved that other boy, but darlin’, just because you had the same diagnosis doesn’t mean the same things were swimming around in both of your heads. Same illness, different people, Kat.”
“I know,” Kat nodded. “I just have to keep reminding myself, that’s all. I really want things to work with JC. I know things will never be normal with him, just because of who he is. And God knows I’m not normal. I dunno… I just hope that even if we can’t be normal together, we can be real together. I think that’s something we both need. It’s just those eyes, Mrs. M. They make me weak.” Kat blushed, realizing how she was rambling on and the sappy look that Mrs. Murphy was giving her. “I know, I’m getting mushy but I can’t help it. Damn that boy!”
“You’re right,” Mrs. Murphy nodded. “You should stop with the deep mushy stuff and get on to the superficial mushy stuff. Is he a good kisser?”
“Mrs. Murphy!” Kat squealed, unable to resist the mischievous look on the older woman’s face. Kat jumped down from her stool and smoothed down her little black cocktail dress, still laughing at the nudges she was getting from the curious woman next to her.
“C’mon, Kit-Kat,” Mrs. Murphy pleaded. “Just gimme the dirt on the kissing and I’ll never pump you for information again.”
“Yeah right,” Kat scoffed, noticing how Mrs. Murphy’s inquisitiveness made her appear significantly younger than she was. “Ok, ok, I tell you this one thing,” she smiled leaning in closer to Mrs. Murphy and lowering her voice as if she was passing on top secret information. She almost laughed to herself when she realized that was exactly what she was doing. No one was supposed to know that they were a couple.
The ruse had worked as they had expected. It kept the fans off her back for the most part, although not entirely— an incident in a Times Square bodega was exciting if not life-threatening— even if no one really believed the “good friends” line. Kat resided herself to this fact early on, realizing that even if they really were “good friends”, his fans would always draw romantic connections. The funny part of the “good friends” plan was that it left her open to accusations of dating any of the other four gentlemen that made up Nsync.
Kat, never one to spend more time on the internet than it took her to check her mail, now found herself addicted to the fan sites. A few even devoted to her sprouted up after the pictures from the Stephanie Gill Foundation charity ball hit the magazines and newspapers— a warm, fuzzy feeling swept over her every time she thought about the range of colors Charlotte’s face must have turned when she saw Kat’s picture on the front page of the New York Times Style Section with a caption declaring her as “finance mogul, Andrew Da Nate’s, eldest daughter”. Of course, these sites were devoted to how much of a heinous bitch she was, but she managed to shrug off the initial hurt feelings and laugh at herself. One of her favorite things to do now was to sign the guest books of these sites, agreeing whole-heartedly with everything they had to say about her. She even sparked an email relationship with one of the site owners in which they talked about how much they hated her (oh and how cool puberty was). JC told her she was nuts but never failed to laugh his ass off when she’d tell him a new story in one of their nightly conversations.
“Well?” Mrs. Murphy winked.
“You want to know about the kisses, huh?” Kat smirked knowingly. “We need a new word for kiss, that’s how the kisses were.”
“That good, eh?” Mrs. Murphy grinned.
“That good,” Kat confirmed with a frustrated sigh. “I wish you hadn’t brought that up, though. I haven’t had one of those kissed in almost three weeks. It was like he gave me love heroine and told me I could never have it again.”
“Well what about—”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. M. You had your one completely-none-of-your-business question. Thanks for playing,” Kat grinned, bending down to pick up her shoes. “I’m going to go see if Daph’s been sent up to bed and then I’m going to say goodnight and then I’m going back to my room and my obnoxious roommate.”
“Sounds like fun,” Mrs. Murphy chuckled. “If you ever want to dish, you know who to call, dear.”
“I sure do,” Kat smiled over her shoulder as she strode out of the kitchen. “My shrink.”
…There was something pathetic in his concentration as if his complacency, more acute than of old, was not enough to him any more. When, almost immediately, the telephone rang inside and the butler left the porch Daisy seized upon the momentary interruption and leaned toward me.
“I’ll tell you a family secret,” she whispered enthusiastically. “It’s about the butler’s nose. Do you want to hear about the butler’s nose?”
“That’s why I came over tonight.”
JC chuckled at the blatant sarcasm in Fitzgerald’s lines. His left hand fisted around the paperback book cover as his eyes took in every word with an enthusiasm he’d never shown in high school. When he admitted to Kat over the phone that even though he was supposed to read “The Great Gatsby” for school, he never really did, she went on for a good twenty minutes about the merit of the book, one of her favorites. Then, four days later, sure enough, he got a package from Kat containing her prized copy of the F. Scott Fitzgerald classic.
He’d laughed out loud when he pulled out the beaten edition, which had her name scrawled on the cover in whiteout. Inside, there were notes in the margins of defined words and teacher’s comments plus highlighted passages and her favorite quotes were starred. He couldn’t help the silly grin her gesture had plastered on his face. He found that happening a lot lately.
JC, in turn, had sent her something of his that, in his opinion, she was missing out on: his very first vinyl record that his mom had given him of Billie Holiday. He chuckled, remembering her reaction.
“Thanks a lot! Are you aware that I don’t own a record player? Now I have to go up to Weird Vinyl Collector Guy’s room on the sixth floor to listen to this stuff. Really, if I want to hear a chick named Billie whine about her man, I’ll watch Days of Our Lives.”
She eventually admitted defeat and damned him for getting her hooked. She promptly went out and bought CD’s so she didn’t have to brave the sixth floor again. She didn’t stop at Billie Holiday either, going on to Ella Fitzgerald, Dorothy Dandridge, and several other jazzy songstresses. JC’s vinyl copy, she told him, now sat propped up on one of her shelves like a trophy and she’d give it back when she got her book back— in one piece.
“So is Kat excited?” Lance questioned, plopping down next to JC.
“She doesn’t know,” JC smiled sheepishly, turning his gaze from the airplane window to his friend.
“I thought you said yesterday that you’d just talked to her.”
“I had just talked to her. Doesn’t mean I told her we were coming up today.”
“Wait,” Lance shook his head. “She has no idea we’re coming up to record in New York?”
“No, she knows,” JC corrected. “I just told her we were coming up next week or maybe even the week after. I kinda let it open for interpretation.”
“I see,” Lance laughed. “She let you get away with that vague bullshit?”
“No, and let me tell you— the girl knows how to pout like a pro. Justin has nothing on this chick. I almost cracked four times in twenty minutes yesterday.”
“So what’s your plan Casanova?” Lance chuckled, idly turning the book cover over in JC’s hands to see what he was reading.
“Well, I’m actually still working on that,” JC replied, cringing a little at his own indecision. “At first I thought that after I surprised her at the hospital, I’d take her back to Mondello’s, since we had our first date there. But then I thought maybe that wasn’t the best idea because those first few day for us were kinda angsty and maybe she’d associate that place with those feelings and—”
“JC, JC,” Lance interrupted. “Breathe, man. You’re starting to babble again. I’m beginning to think that all you can do when you talk about this girl is babble and I’m afraid, if that’s that case, I’m going to have to stage some kind of intervention before it’s too late for all of us.”
JC laughed, casting his eyes downward and thumbing the already fraying pages of Kat’s book. “I know. I’m just nervous. I mean, it’s been just about three weeks since we’ve seen each other in person and it’s all kinda wiggin’ me out.”
“I understand. Maybe it’s a good thing she doesn’t know, then,” Lance reasoned. “She won’t have time to wig.”
“My thinking exactly,” JC grinned proudly. There was something in that grin. It wasn’t the mere esthetics of it but what it meant. To his best friends it meant having their brother back. While the fact that it was another girl that seemed to have brought JC back to life made them all wary of what it could do to him if they crashed and burned, they were still happy to see that spark back in his eyes. They all prayed everyday that this JC, the one they knew and loved, wasn’t going anywhere.
Lance was especially hopeful, having become JC’s confidant where Kat McBride was concerned. He tried to keep an open mind about the situation but also took on the role of JC’s common sense. He tried to keep his friend grounded in reality when he started to float up to cloud nine. But even he had to admit that JC’s grin was both contagious and soothing. There was something there.
Kat paid the cabby before climbing out of the cab and thanked him sincerely. As she made her way up the front step of Ruggles, she dug out her slash card and keys before running a tired hand through her wavy locks. Ascending the stairs to her floor, she wondered if there’d be a message from JC on her cell phone, which she’d carelessly forgotten to bring with her that night. She caught herself smiling absently yet again at the thought of JC. That only made her smile brighter. It was a good feeling and one she hadn’t felt in a long time.
When she got to her door she noticed a note from Jordan on the dry erase board. She chuckled at her roommate’s handwriting. Jordan Mahoney even wrote loudly.
K,
Went down to Flannery’s with some of the sisters. Erin and Lisa
went to check out the Autumn Club. If you wanna join, just
come on down! Call my cell to make sure we’re still there.
— J.
Kat mentally debated going back out as she let herself into her room and kicked off her shoes. She’d promised Nurse MacDonough that she’d come into the hospital the next day. But then again, she did tell her when. She could go in later in the morning and sleep in a little if she had to. But then, where to go? She could head down to the Autumn Club. They usually had good bands on Friday nights and atmosphere was more laid back than Flannery’s. Then again, she hadn’t really been hanging out with and of her sorority sisters lately besides Jordan which was a Greek no-no.
Kat fell back onto her bed, remembering the first time she told JC she was in a sorority.
“Yeah, then I have to go to this fund raiser type thing for my sorority, which is completely pointless considering Alpha Chi Omega has the most—”
“Wait, wait,” JC interrupted. “You never told me you were in a sorority.”
“Well you didn’t tell me how damn weird you were, so I guess we’re even,” Kat chuckled into the phone.
“Seriously, that’s probably that last thing I expected you to be involved in.”
“Well, after Gabe died, Jordan tried so hard to snap me out of my funk and when Rush came around, it was something she was doing and had wanted me to do since we moved in together. She was just trying so hard and I kinda felt guilty. Plus I was looking for as many things to occupy my time as possible. You know, keep my mine off of things.”
“Wow. So what do you guys do?”
“Well, there’s community service and stuff we do with frats that are affiliated with us. Then there are always the wild, orgy-like parties that I love so much. Yup, nothing says sorority chick like the term “frat mattress”. I’ll tell ya, there were lots of disappointed frat boys when word spread that I was taken, baby. Oh, but not to worry. When they heard we were just “good friends”, they bounced right back.”
Silence.
“Kidding! Jeeze, JC, we really have to get to know each other better cus I do that a lot.”
After checking her voicemail for word from JC- finding none- Kat pouted slightly as scrounged in her dress for something put on . She pulled her well-worn, low-rider jeans on under her dress before unzipping the back and squirming out of it. She decided to head over to Flannery’s to say hi to everyone, maybe a have one drink, and then meet up with Erin and Lisa. She pulled purple tank top over her head and clipped her mussed hair in a twist to the back of her head.
With the cordless cradled between her ear and shoulder, Kat pulled on her Doc Martin sandals and waited for Jordan to pick up her cell.
“Hello?” Kat heard come over the line along with a mass of distinctive bar din.
“Jordan?”
“Kat! Hey Babes, what’s up? You coming down?”
“Yeah, I think so. But just for a little while.”
“Ok, see you in a few!”
“Bye J.” Kat hung up the phone, grabbed some bills out of her wallet, and took off out the door.
“And where do you think you’re going?”
“Kevin, hi. I didn’t see you there,” Kat lied through her teeth.
“I know you didn’t think you were gonna sneak outta here before having a drink with me,” he said flashing his best charming smile.
“Ya know I’d love to Kev, but it’s really late and I have to work at the hospital in the morning,” Kat explained. This, too, was something of a lie. She did have to work the next morning but she had no intention of going home yet. She’d just talked to Lisa and she was on her way to me up with her and Erin at the Autumn Club.
“Aww, Kat,” Kevin whined. “Listen, one drink, Kit-Kat. That’s all I’m asking for.”
Kat searched for something better to say than, “Raincheck,” but she could come up with nothing as she attempted to inch farther and father out of the smoky bar. “I’m really sorry Kev. Raincheck?”
“You know, I’m keeping track of all these rainchecks you keep handing me, Kat,” he winked. “Pretty soon you’re gonna owe me your entire summer vacation.”
“Yeah,” Kat laughed lightly, wondering that if was noticing the pattern why wasn’t he catching on. “Well, gotta go.”
“Ok, but I’m gonna call you tomorrow, babe. We never go out on our own anymore.”
“You do that, bye,” she said quickly as she finally ducked out the door. When did we ever go out on our own? Kat thought as she hailed down a cab. She wondered if she should just come out and tell him she was seeing someone. Well not actually seeing him, she mentally sighed. It had become painfully obvious that Erin’s observation those weeks before about Kevin having a crush on her was dead on. She didn’t want to make things weird for him. After all, even if they weren’t still friends, they hung out with the same people and things could get complicated.
Twenty minutes later, after showing the bouncer her school ID, Kat slipped into the Autumn club and smiled as she heard the sounds of Ants Marching, a popular Dave Matthews cover band. She found Erin and Lisa at a table with a few other familiar faces and banished all thoughts of Kevin’s crush and JC’s absence from her mind.
JC hadn’t had sweaty palms since he was fourteen and asked Jenna Slater to their eighth grade dance. But he had them today. He was pretty sure he woke up with them that morning. He’d snuck out without security, which he’d been forbidden to do after his last New York adventure. He was never supposed to be without a guard but after pictures of he and Kat almost made things very sticky for the group’s PR, he was expressly told to never be in public, especially with Kat, without a bodyguard.
Ten hours in New York and he was already breaking the rules. But this was important. A seven-foot tall black man with no neck following him around was liable to ruin the element of surprise. Besides, he was fully intending to call for security when they were leaving the hospital. After all, he wasn’t suicidal. It was one thing to sneak off to a hospital at 9 o’clock in the morning but it was quite another to be traipsing all over the city in broad daylight, especially when it was common fan knowledge that they be up in New York recording a good chunk of their album at some point.
He leaned his head against the window of the chauffeured town car. It was a beautiful morning and in all the times he’d been to New York, he could never get over how the light bounced off the sides of the tightly knit jungle of skyscrapers. New York City was definitely high on his list of favorite place in the world; the beauty of it, the diversity, the sheer majesty of the island was beyond him. And now he had a new reason to love it. Kat was here.
He was falling for her… hard. Over the course of the three weeks they were apart, he caught himself several times contemplating buying a place in NYC. After all, she was in school and would be for almost three more years. It wasn’t like she was going to transfer out of an Ivy League school and pick up her whole life to move down to Florida. He chuckled lightly realizing that if she probably would if he asked her. She loved New York as much as he loved Orlando but the more he got to know her, the more he realized how far she’d go to make the people she cared about happy. If he asked her, she’d go in a second. That’s where his conscience came into play. As much as he wanted her with him as much as possible, he couldn’t let her through away the opportunities a school like Columbia could give her. She wanted nothing more than to be independent of her family but she was going to do it on merit and not by becoming dependent on someone else. He wouldn’t let that happen.
His reverie was interrupted as the car pulled up to his destination, noting the engraved sign over the main entrance: Babies and Children’s Hospital of Columbia University Medical Center.
“Should I wait, Sir?” the chauffer asked politely.
“Nah, I’ll make other arrangements. Don’t worry about it,” JC said tipping him. “Remember, not a word, right Buddy?”
“Not a word, Mr. Chasez,” the chauffer confirmed with a wink.
“Thanks, man,” JC smiled before turning to make his way into the building. At the front desk, a young woman smiled asking if she could help him. “I need to get to the Premature Infant Unit,” he told her.
“And what patient is this in reference to?”
“Actually my girlfriend is a volunteer up there and I’m here to pick her up.”
“Well, I could call let her know your down here—”
“Actually, I’m trying to surprise her. If you call up to a Nurse MacDonough, I’m sure she’ll ok it. She’s heard all about me, I’m sure,” JC smiled bashfully.
“One moment,” the desk clerk smiled as she pick up her phone. After a moment of talking with someone on the other end she told him, “Ok, Mac says it’s alright. You want to take this elevator here up to the fourth floor. Mac should be at the Nurses’ Station right outside the elevator. Oh, and she said to tell you, Good for you kid,” the woman laughed lightly.
“Thanks, ma’am,” he laughed before striding over to the elevator doors. The elevator moved swiftly and smoothly up to the fourth floor.
Kat stumbled down the steps outside of Ruggles and attempted to hail a cab while pulling her hair up into a sloppy knot atop her head. It wasn’t working very well. She finally negotiated the elastic and with her hair secure she adjusted her shoulder bag and lifted to fingers to mouth, whistling for the passing cab to stop. Thankfully, it did and she climbed in quickly.
She usually walked up to the hospital but she was already 20 minutes later than she told Mac she’d be when she called earlier to say she’d be in late. The ride gave her ten good minutes of breathing time. While she’d recently made it a habit of oversleeping, it pleased her to no end that she was actually sleeping at all. She wasn’t as afraid to close her eyes. The nightmares seemed to be gone completely. She’d had no idea how much she missed a good night’s sleep or a nap in the middle of the day. She didn’t know whether to chalk it up to time healing all wounds or the appearance of JC in her life. Maybe it was a bit of both.
It was getting to her already, though. She knew this separation was like a trial run and she couldn’t even fathom what it would be like not to see him for months at a time with maybe a few weekend passes here and there. She couldn’t wait to see him but she was afraid this time she wouldn’t be able to let go as easily as she had the first time. But she didn’t know when he was coming or for how long and she feared that this is what the bulk of their relationship would be like.
Ten minutes later she was in the elevator at the hospital ascending the four floors to the Premie Unit. She’d shrugged off the odd look Carla at the front desk had given her and rested her eyes for the 20-second long trip upstairs.
When the door opened Kat gave a tired smile to Sandra and Marie at the Nurses’ Station before apologizing for her lateness and asking where Mac was.
“She down checking on Turner baby in Nursery 3,” Marie said, smiling oddly. Kat recognized the look as the same she’d gotten from Carla downstairs. “She said to go on down when you got in. She want to show you how to check the babies for shallow breathing.”
“Ok,” Kat smiled, wondering what was up. She deposited her bag in the back room and proceeded down the corridor to the room Marie had indicated. “Mac, I’m really sorry—”
“Hi.”