I am not good enough to do anything.

I have been very hard on myself my entire life. I figure being biased towards the negative will keep me honest, rather than biased towards ego-swelling lies and half-truths. As far as I am concerned, this has worked very well, my ego, while not tiny, isn't huge either, and most opinions I have of myself are rooted in a slightly unfair self-evaluation of my own performance or lack thereof. I say unfair because of the afore-mentioned bias towards the negative.

If it is one thing I have no respect for, is people with inferiority complexes trying to make up for it by "talking big". Granted, this big talk is simply a cry for help and all they really need is for someone to see past it and into their hearts, however it still manages to piss me off, partly because I can't be that person who sees past it and tries to get to the underlying reasons for that behaviour, and partly because try as you might, some people just don't want to be helped, and don't want to go looking for the bigger truth that lies within. It angers me that some people defend with passion their right to act stupid.

I am blatantly wrong on this, I know, because the world actually DOESN'T respect people that sell out to make a buck, that have huge penises and who whip it out for anyone that wants a look. They DO respect self-directed individuals though, and as smart as I am, I still live with my mother and I still allow her to carry me as she has done my entire life. Why? Because I don't earn enough to pay my car off, pay rent, pay for amenities like electricity, lights and water, a telephone bill, petrol, and still have enough left over after paying for all of them to actually have any fun. And damn anyone who says that fun isn't essential, because it is. Can I make sacrifices in order to make this happen? Sure I can, but it will suck earning a salary only to have every cent plundered by simple living costs. This is no different to anyone else out there struggling to get by, but I have the choice to stay at home with my mom and get around all those pitfalls, so I do. It is so much easier this way.

Besides, I own 1/3 of the house I am living in, and my mother does not demand that I pay for 1/3 of all the associated expenses, so why move out? Why kill myself for something a lot less comfortable? For individuality? Freedom? I am free to do as I choose at home within reason, my mother is not demanding or bitchy, the food is awesome and my bed extremely comfortable. I am more than happy to live like that because it makes my life a very pleasant experience.

Getting back to the initial subject, all these things conspire to give me absolutely nothing to brag about, no ability to sell myself without lying, and no reason to believe I can be anywhere except for where I am. Maybe that is because there are no challenges to a scenario like this, as my every material whim is catered for. Everything, except my spiritual growth. What this encourages is stagnation, which if it were a sport, I'd be its world damn champion.

Therefore, I do not talk big. I do not inflate myself in the presence of others for fear of not being able to back that big talk up. Why is that? Because I don?t believe I CAN back that big talk up. Do I earn a lot of money? Is my penis huge? Am I self-sufficient living on my own paying my own way? No, I have none of those things, and I believe that the world the way it is respects only those things. This might be a naive perception, and the people that DO respect those things are not actually worth knowing, however this is the world we live in and although things are not perfect, they still need to be taken into account. Basically if "the way things work" isn't a way you particularly agree with, that is tough, things still have to be done that way until a better way comes along. Sure you can pioneer that "better way", and perhaps that is what my heart's desire is and where my life will take me, but for the now, the world has no respect for a lazy momma's boy with an average sized penis. Or... and here is somewhat of a relelation, even to me... it is me who has no respect for a lazy momma's boy with an average sized penis and it is me that perceives the world the way I do in order to back that lack of respect up, because God forbid I actually be wrong on anything, and God forbid even more that I have to actually DO something to get somewhere in life. Interesting.

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