Hell Yeah
by the diggler
Warnings: This ficlet is YAOI [has boyxboy homosexual content] and is rated pg13.
A/N: Yet another fic written years ago which I never posted. Can be read as AU or reincarnation, whatever you like :)
Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and related characters are the property of Watase Yuu et al.
~
life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
it's a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally oh yeah
oh hell yeah... --ani
difranco
~
Did he believe in love at first sight?
What was love at first sight anyway?
Was it love or lust or attraction? Just some pattern of synapses firing off in your brain, making your hormones and happy chemicals produce a feeling of euphoria? Was that what that feeling was, really?
But then why did it happen with only some people and not others?
Well... according to his philosophy class, reality is all subjective, reality is what we make it... so maybe we feel that way towards a person because we want to. We want it to be love.
Or was it something deeper? A true connection of minds, trust, and intimacy... that's what he wanted to believe love was... truly knowing someone inside and out and accepting every piece of them, good or bad.
But things like that took time.
So how does that explain the 'love at first sight' phenomenon?
Maybe it was something beyond reasoning, something destined to be. Like soulmates, lovers from a past life of something…
Ridiculous really.
Perhaps the more reasonable explanation was that it began with hormones... and then because our minds want it to be something more, we pursue it... and then over time a true, real connection grows... and then we look back on it, to where it started, and say, well it was love at first sight, of course.
Made sense.
But then... what triggered that first reaction, setting off that chain of events to begin with?
* * *
He's staring at me.
This was the one thought consuming Genrou's attention at the moment, when he should have been focusing on his professor.
Dammit. I can feel it.
And it made his body feel kind of tingly, like he was buzzing with electricity. He tried to see out of the corner of his eye... and his peripheral vision confirmed that the other boy's body and head were turned in his direction.
Oh jeezus.
Then somewhere in the depths of his nervously pounding chest, the need to know for sure began to take control. So, trying to look as natural as possible, Genrou lifted his eyes...
The other boy quickly looked away.
Genrou quickly looked back down at his notes, for all the world trying not to show any sign of the sudden rushing leap in his chest that he felt when their eyes connected, however brief the moment was... But it was then that the world became a blur, his existence consumed by the butterflies in his stomach, his near-exploding chest, and the totally wired feeling buzzing through every inch of his body.
He didn't even know how he got home. All he knew was that he suddenly found himself standing in the middle of his room, staring into space, and totally lost.
Then eventually, his high receded enough for his brain to start working again, and reality came back into focus.
He really was staring at me. And I reacted like a school-girl with a crush. Fuck. What does this mean? Do I like guys now? How did this happen?
He thought back to when this all started...
It was his first day of class and by the end of the day he was already feeling pretty overwhelmed. He'd finally made it to the last class of the day and 10 minutes into it he was just settling down to concentrate... when in he walked.
He wasn't like the other guys he'd seen on campus. He wasn’t what you would call ‘handsome’, but, he was different, kind of interesting looking. Well, interesting to Genrou at least, because for some reason he couldn't take his eyes off of the guy. He didn't really question it then, all he knew was that he thought the guy looked like an interesting person, and that's why he was looking. And that sudden overwhelming rush of a feeling that had suddenly consumed him at the time, he put down to the stresses of the day in general.
He didn't really think about it after that. Didn't find it strange that out of the whole class his was the only new name he remembered. Houjun ...But even still, whenever he saw the guy around campus, he just thought of the other boy as 'that interesting guy in my class'.
Maybe he was still a little overwhelmed by the rush of the new semester. Maybe if he'd known better, he woulda thunk it was love at first sight. But as we've established, you can only say something like that after the fact, right?
He did notice though, that Houjun hung out in the History section of the library a lot. And that Houjun had computer lab the hour before his. And this he knew because one day when he went to class, the other boy stayed behind and sat through his lab as well writing emails. Genrou had thought about sitting next to him when he came in, but at the last second freaked out and sat next to a hot girl in his class, giving his friend Kouji the seat in between him Houjun.
Maybe the fact that he chose to avoid Houjun instead of the super intimidating hot girl that everyone was afraid to approach should have clued him in to the seriousness of his situation, but no.
And when class got boring, he decided to look over and see what Houjun was doing on the computer... Well, that wasn’t entirely accurate either because he was really just looking at Houjun, not at what Houjun was doing. And he probably looked too long, it was more than a passing glance after all, but he couldn't help but feel it wasn't enough.
Then, after class, Houjun came right up to him and asked him something like if he was in History 100… he was so taken off guard he barely remembered what he replied. After witnessing the exchange Kouji gave him a look that said 'what's his deal?' But Genrou just smiled, bewildered, buzzing.
So he didn't think much about it again. Didn't think about how random and pointless a question it was to ask at the time… instead he thought that maybe the guy was attempting to be friends with him, and he blew it somehow.
The next week Houjun didn't stay through his computer lab, but walked out with the rest of the class. Genrou wanted to say hi to him or something, but when he finally caught the other boy's eye Houjun quickly looked away.
Genrou let it go.
But later he wondered if maybe it was like that thing girls did, when they're shy about liking you, and they feel like they've been caught thinking about you or something when you look at them, so they instinctively look away. That thing.
But why was he even hoping that was the case?
The week after that Houjun said something in class, and finally Genrou had a chance to really listen to him without being shocked into a stupor. What a strange voice Houjun had! It was kind of nasal, it might even be considered annoying to some people, but he thought it was… sexy! He'd actually been turned on by his voice!
But all of these moments only registered on some subconscious level that he wasn't even aware of... until now.
And now he couldn't stop thinking about him! Houjun was the single thought buzzing through his entire being.
But… we're both guys!
Genrou brows furrowed with consternation.
He'd been with several girls in the past… but they'd never seemed to work out, he'd never really enjoyed it.
And it's not like I'm against same-sex relationships or anything…
He couldn't exactly say he hadn't thought about it either. But the idea had always sort of grossed him out before. Except now… when he thought of him… he didn't feel grossed out at all. In fact, he wanted it.
It's just, I never thought I'd really be considering this. There would be so many changes to my life, so many consequences… could I deal with that?
He didn't want to think about it. Maybe they could just be friends. He could live with that. He'd like that.
Yeah right.
At the same time, he knew that if there was any chance that Houjun felt the same way, he could give up anything to be with him.
And that thought nagged at his conscience far into the night.
***
The next day Genrou found himself in the library. Or more specifically, the History section of the library. He'd thought about it all day, and found that he was just as confused as ever. So he decided he would just go and get one more look at the guy, and maybe that would help him decide what to do.
So there he was, ostensibly perusing books when on the other side of the shelf, Houjun was sitting at a computer station. He had a perfect view of the guy, and it was with guilty pleasure that he realized he could stare as much as he wanted without having to worry about being seen. So he did.
And slowly, like static coming up from the ground, his feelings for Houjun became undeniably clear.
And in that moment, Houjun finally lifted his head, and looked directly into his eyes.
Genrou could've fallen over right then, but this time his body chose to freeze on the spot. Eventually he managed to cover it up by smiling at Houjun in a nonchalant greeting kind of way.
And Houjun smiled back.
Genrou could've fallen over again.
Instead, he grabbed a book on the shelf and walked over to the counter to check it out, trying to look as normal as possible and not give away that he was shaking and scared shitless inside.
Once he finally made it out of the library he only took a few steps before he collapsed against a wall, gasping for air like he had just been winded.
Fuck. I can't deny it anymore. I like Houjun. I LIKE like Houjun. I always have. And I like him so much I can’t even talk to him!
And that means that I am, at least, bisexual.
I'm bi.
Fuck!
He was so caught up in this rushing flow of thought that he didn't even notice that Houjun had followed him, and was walking towards him.
"Hey." Houjun said, stopping a little bit away from him.
Genrou looked up, dumbfounded.
"Hey." he stammered.
And they stared at each other, the silence lengthening for what seemed like an eternity.
And then in one swift movement, Houjun had pushed him against the wall, cupping his face in his hands and pressing their lips together.
Genrou's mind went blank, his body finally kicking into gear and tentatively kissing Houjun back.
The next thing he knew, Houjun had pulled back, smiled and walked off.
A stupid grin found it's way onto Genrou's face.
Did he believe in love at first sight?
Hell yeah.
~ owari
written '04 ~ completed Jan 7 '09