I've been worrying in the back of my mind about graduate school. I hear stories about people working really hard and still not succeed. When I say succeed, I mean having publications. My goal is to be a full-time acedemic research professor at some college hopefully in the east coast, but in order to do that I have to be successful doing research. Let me restate that: successful doing good research. That means that I would need to be first author in some if not most of my writings and have these papers published in top journals. They don't all have to be in the top journals, but if I can get a handful of them then I know I'm set. Unfortunately, publishing and all that is not easy. Although it takes hard work (which is in my control), some of it is luck (which is not in my control). When I say luck, I mean your experiments have to work, get interesting results, and be meaningful to people. I've been worrying about this because I've never actually done a research before on my own. I've helped conduct experiments and even some data analysis, but to sit, write, and start my own research project is something I've never done before. There really is only one solution to this: I need GUIDANCE from my advisor. He/She really has to be there for me at least in the first year or two walking me through the process until I can stand on my own two feet. I only hope and pray to GOD that I get that at UCD.

I really like this poem about Abe Lincoln

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up--for you the flag is flung--for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths--for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

In other news, I've been having cold feet lately about going to Cali. I still know that I will go, but unlike before now I want to come back when I am done. It'll be a long while till I finish, but before I never wanted to come back. Now, I do.

I once thought that I was on this "going to cali" high that lasted for more than a year. The moment I got off of it, I said to myself, "woah! what did I get myself into???" I think I'm just nervous. Going to a new place, all by myself, not knowing anyone, not too certain of what I will be doing there. I don't want to mess up, feels like this is my big chance to make something out of my life. God has been so good to me up to this point. Everything I wanted and needed he has provided. Good grad school, summer job that pays well, good people around me, motivation, etc. was all because of Him. It's so funny because everything in the past two years has gone MY way. Everything that I planned to accomplish was accomplished. Well, not everything, but it was very good. I have to acknowledge that. I have to acknowledge Him!

Something I heard:
Then Moses climbed Mount Nebo from the plains of Moab to the top of Pisgah, across from Jericho. There the LORD showed him the whole land-from Gilead to Dan, all of Naphtali, the territory of Ephraim and Manasseh, all the land of Judah as far as the western sea, the Negev and the whole region from the Valley of Jericho, the City of Palms, as far as Zoar. Then the LORD said to him, "This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, 'I will give it to your descendants.' I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it." And Moses the servant of the LORD died there in Moab, as the LORD had said. He buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is. Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over.

Jewish tradition says that before Moses died he went down from Mount Nebo to each and every home of the Isrealites. He visited the homes of every family and neighbors to say goodbye to them. People believed that one of the reasons why Moses did this was because he simply wanted the people to say Thank you!

I can't imagine ever going through what Moses went through, but I think I can understand how he might have felt. After leading the Isrealites for 40 years in the wilderness, after 40 years of complaining, anger, bitterness, whining, and disobedience from his people, all a man could ever want from them after all his years of hard work is to hear his OWN people say thank you to him before he was to die.

I wonder if this is how God feels sometimes? Maybe, maybe not. But I want to say thank you Lord for all that you have done and will continue to do for me in my life!

Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.

By JOHN J. LUMPKIN, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The success of the Indian air force against American fighter
planes in a recent exercise suggests other countries may soon be able to
threaten U.S. military dominance of the skies, a top Air Force general
said Wednesday.

Reuters Photo

"We may not be as far ahead of the rest of the world as we thought we
were," said Gen. Hal M. Hornburg, the chief of Air Combat Command, which
oversees U.S. fighter and bomber wings.

The U.S.-India joint exercise, "Cope India," took place in February near
Gwalior in central, India. It pitted some F-15C Eagle fighters from the
3rd Wing at Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska, in mock combat against
Indian MiG, Sukhoi and Mirage fighters.

The F-15Cs are the Air Force's primary air superiority aircraft. The
Indian fighters, of Russian and French design, are the type of planes U.S.
fighters would most likely face in any overseas conflict.

Hornburg, speaking to reporters, called the results of the exercise "a
wake-up call" in some respects, but he declined to provide details, other
than to suggest the Indian air force scored several unexpected successes
against the American planes.

For the last 15 years, the U.S. military has enjoyed almost total command
of the air during conflicts. A few fighters and fighter-bombers have gone
down, usually victims of surface-to-air missile fire, but in general,
American planes have been able to target enemy ground forces at will.

In the most recent invasion of Iraq, Saddam Hussein air force stayed grounded.

Still, new tactics, better Russian fighters like the Su-30, and a new
generation of surface-to-air missiles mean that U.S. dominance could be
ending, said Loren Thompson, who follows military issues for the Lexington
Institute, a Washington think tank.

"The United States has grown accustomed to having global air superiority,
yet we haven't put much very much money in the last generation into
maintaining that advantage," he said, noting the F-15 first flew in the 1970s.

"So of course the rest of the world is finally starting to catch up," he said.

Hornburg said the exercise shows the need for some new Air Force fighters,
particularly the F/A-22 Raptor, which is intended to replace the F-15C.
But critics deride the aircraft as too expensive and built to counter a
threat that hasn't existed since the Soviet Union collapsed.

Here are some of my favorite songs lately
Del Amitri - Roll to Me
Counting Crows - Accidentally in Love
Smash Mouth - All Star

"When the Lord calls me home, whenever that day may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future." - Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

A blessed companion is a book - a book that fitly chosen is a life-long friend.
-Douglas William Jerrold (1803-1857)

June 5 2004
Today was a sad day.

A feeling of sadness and longing
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.
The Day is done.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)