Archivist's Challenge story: What was in the box?
Coda to "Random
Thoughts".
Although the engrammatic purge was interrupted,
can
anything make up for what B'Elanna has lost?
Disclaimer: Tom and B'Elanna belong to Paramount/Viacom,
but I've
borrowed them. The Mari belong to Paramount/Viacom too,
and they
can keep them.
I just happened to be passing sickbay as B'Elanna left. It took some pretty careful timing - I'd just happened to be passing about five times in the previous ten minutes - but I don't think she suspected anything. It would have been easier if I'd been on duty there, but if I'd asked for extra sickbay duty Chakotay would have been suspicious. I know he knows we're together, but we'd rather not rub his nose in it.
It's best to stay cool when B'Elanna's stressed. I just said something offhand, like "Hey, B'Elanna, need some company?", and it seemed to work. She came close as we walked along, and I put my arm round her. I must have been a shade too protective, though, because she tried to reassure me straight away.
"It's OK, Tom," she said, "They didn't do any damage - not really. Don't worry about me, OK?"
I know her better than that, and her eyes were saying something completely different. She was worried sick, and trying to hide it. I never know quite how to handle it when she shuts off like that; this time I tried the confrontational approach. I took a bigger step, turned in front of her, held her shoulders gently and said, "B'Elanna, that might work for Tuvok and the Doc, but this is me. What's wrong?"
It didn't work. I wish, just once, I could find something that did. I saw a flash of her Klingon temper - that wonderful, powerful, sexy Klingon temper that makes her so exciting - but it seemed to vanish as fast as it arose. That scared me. I hadn't told Chakotay, but I was almost as scared that she'd come back without any fire in her, as I was that the Mari would kill her. The woman I love gets angry, and I need that. It's a damned sight safer than getting angry myself.
"Not now, Tom. Not here," she said. Quietly, curtly, but without any real anger. I could see I'd have to try a different approach. Maybe waiting for her to come to me would work better. I turned back round again and walked along with her, and after a minute or two she said, "My quarters, Tom? I guess we should talk." It looked like a good start, so I put my arm around her again. This time she leaned into me, and her lovely brown hair was all over my shoulder, and I knew what was good for me and shut up and enjoyed it.
"Computer, lights." She stopped just inside the room. As the door closed, I turned to face her, took her gently in my arms, and waited quietly.
She decided to jump straight in. "Remember the argument we had three days ago?"
"How could I forget?" I still had some bruises. Come to think of it, how could Harry forget, or Joe, or anyone else in Sandrine's that night?
I saw another quick flash of temper, and another rapid cooldown. "No, Tom," she almost shouted, "how could *I* forget? It's gone, Tom. I know that we fought, but that's all. All I remember is making up afterwards."
I remembered making up afterwards too. Actually, that's where I got the bruises, and I cherish every one - we do tend to get a bit carried away, in the heat of the moment. I thought of saying something about that, for about a nanosecond - old habits die hard - but these days I seem to have a bit more sense than that. To tell the truth, I was getting worried about her. I thought I'd better press her, but gently, so I just asked, "The Mari engrammatic purge?"
She nodded, and she looked close to tears. "I guess it started with the most recent memories. It may not seem much, Tom, but it's part of us." She smiled, but without much warmth. "I'll never remember our first fight."
I'd have disputed that it was our first, but I suppose it was the first since we'd...
I hate to use phrases like "fallen in love". It sounds like something out of a schoolgirls' magazine. But the truth is, that's what happened. That day outside the briefing room, when we kissed, everything changed. I've started dividing my whole life into two, either way from that moment, and I could tell B'Elanna was starting to do the same. When I realised that, I felt so in love with her, it overwhelmed me for a moment. I checked myself before I started grinning like an idiot, though; she wasn't telling me everything, and I needed to know what was really bugging her. I took a guess, and got lucky.
"That's not all, though, is it? I've never seen you this calm, B'Elanna. Are you afraid you can't get angry any more?"
She seemed like she couldn't speak. She just nodded, and rested her head on my shoulder. I knew she needed a little more time, so I kept quiet for a while. My hands were on her shoulders, and they had great hard knots in the muscles, so I massaged them firmly, the way she likes it, and tried to stay cool. She really didn't need me worrying right now, she needed love and support. I'm not too good at that sometimes, but this time I think I got it right.
I think I noticed the box on the table about half a second before she did. When she said, "Tom, did you get me a present?", I wanted to crawl under a rock. Funny how your memory plays tricks on you; I'd left it in her quarters before she'd been arrested, then in all the turmoil I'd forgotten about it. It was probably the exact worst thing to give her right now. Nice work, Paris, I thought. Sometimes I just give up on myself, I really do.
Okay. This needed some serious diplomacy. I took a deep breath to collect myself, and said, "I wasn't going to mention it. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but that was before..."
"Tom, if it's from you, I'll probably like it", she interrupted. She smiled at me, and I could tell she wanted to change the subject and stop worrying for a bit. "Don't worry about it bringing up bad memories." Actually, I was hoping it would bring up good ones - but there was no way she'd accept it. I had to talk her down gently.
"No, that's not it." I realised I was stammering. "I... Look, I'll explain, and you'll understand, and we can just get rid of it and forget the whole thing, OK?"
She was starting to get interested. Damn it, that was just going to make it worse. She said, "Go on, then," and put on that half-smile, half-frown that said "This had better be good". This was going really, really badly. I wasn't so much worried that she'd be angry, more that she'd be hurt when she realised I'd got her about the most insensitive gift in the history of giving.
I gave up on talking, since it wasn't working, and just waved her over to the table. I got a couple of minutes to think while she opened the box.
It looked good, I'll say that for it. The base was very ornate, with sculpted ridges a bit like B'Elanna's forehead, and one switch that hardly showed. The metal column rising from it was something a bit like polished brass, but a bit darker, and it fused into the base in a way your eye couldn't quite follow but wanted to try. The top looked for all the world like a 21st century binocular microscope - I'd expected "Karl Zeiss" to be stamped on it somewhere - except that the eyepieces faced in opposite directions. The Mari trader I'd bought it from said there was a special kind of chair, rather like an old love seat, to go with it, but I wasn't born yesterday, so I just took the working part.
"It's, ah..." I still couldn't find the words to break it to her gently. I decided the direct approach would have to do. "It's a Mari engrammatic amplifier, it's a traditional lover's gift, it works directly on the memory engrams via the optic nerve, it's based on the same sort of technology that those damned hypocrites tried to turn you into a vegetable with, I'm sorry, B'Elanna, I got it before they arrested you and I forgot I'd left it in here, I can understand you won't want anything to do with it, I'll get rid of it." My chest hurt, and I felt a bit dizzy, but at least I'd got the words out.
Why does she never, never react the way I expect? She said "No!" and held a hand out over it, like she was protecting it. Then she went very quiet for about a thousand years, and for once I didn't have the faintest idea what she was thinking.
Eventually she said, "Look, Tom, if it means so much to you, let's try it. I suppose it'll work? Anyway, what exactly does it do?"
I had a strange feeling she was doing this just to throw me off balance. When I'd found it I'd wanted nothing more than for us to share something this special - even I have the occasional romantic idea, occasionally - but I couldn't believe she'd feel the same after what she'd just been through, and I had some grave misgivings myself. I swallowed so my throat wouldn't crack, and tried to remember what the Doc had told me when I'd taken it to him to check it out.
"It communicates with the memory centres of the brain, and sets up an amplified feedback loop. We select a thought, focus on it, and the amplifier strengthens any related memory engrams and sets up a permanent recall path. Whatever the thought is, any time we call it up we'll be able to remember it like it just happened. The Doc reckons it'll work on us, maybe not quite as well as on the Mari, and it'll be safe." I could hardly believe I was saying all this, and I couldn't believe she was willing to give it a try. "Oh, and it's a one-shot deal, and it only works on a fairly recent memory."
"Right. Come on. Let's do it." B'Elanna was clenching her teeth as she spoke. I felt like I'd got caught up in a game of chicken. I tried to talk her out of it, but I knew before I started that it wasn't worth bothering. So I set it up on the table, and we sat down face to face.
I fumbled around for the switch for a moment, then I remembered. "We need to pick a thought to amplify, B'Elanna."
She thought about it for a moment, smiled mischievously and said, "How about the first time I beat you at pool?"
God, how I love her! She gets herself into some difficult situations, but she's got more courage in her little finger than I've got in my whole body. I think she was regretting what she'd let herself in for, but she was going to go into it heart and soul and laugh on the way. I felt so good to hear her joking that I had to join in.
"It only works on memories, not fantasies."
She grinned, and said, "That's a relief. I'm not sure I want to share some of yours."
I hope I don't talk in my sleep, that's all.
But I'd been holding out on her, and I think she knew it. The Mari use these things as lovers' gifts, as a sign that they intend the relationship to last. The memory chosen is traditionally more intimate. They tend to be very upfront about sex, the Mari; I suppose telepaths think about it as much as the rest of us, and when they do, everybody knows.
The eyepieces were very short, so we were very close. I could feel B'Elanna's breath on my cheek, and smell her hair. I reached out with my free hand to take hers, and I could feel both our pulses speeding up. I knew what I wanted never to forget, and I knew B'Elanna wanted to remember it for ever as well. I whispered to her, "Remember the first time, B'Elanna. Remember the first time we made love." Then I pressed the switch.
...and it was as if they were both on the outside, watching their memories as they fused into one, a composite of how they'd both felt...
...and the memories flooded back, of another day when she'd been shaken and exhausted from an experience that had nearly killed her, and he had been almost sick with worry over her...
...and how he'd been gentle, afraid of hurting her, afraid of the damage to her heart, until she'd thrown him down on the bed and marked him as her own...
...and making love again and again, both driven by the need to be close to the one who could accept them and love them as they were, without pretence or secrecy...
...and finally, their passion spent, lying in each other's arms for hours, not sleeping, not moving, not talking, drawing strength and joy from the rising and falling of each other's chests and the beating of each other's hearts...
It was over, and I pulled back slightly from the eyepiece to see the love and joy in Tom's face, knowing it mirrored my own, knowing that the memory would be with me always, knowing our love would always be fresh, new and exciting. I had been prepared for the intensity of the feelings, I think, but it was the fusing of our memories that amazed me. Was this how telepaths always felt? It was overwhelming, and a little confusing. I wasn't even totally sure whether I was Tom or myself, until I felt my forehead, and the familiar ridges that I hated so...
...that I loved so, they made her look so exotic...
...and I realised I'd experienced exactly how he felt about me, and it really was different this time. I felt loved, and cherished, and beautiful, and most of all safe with him. And I could even start feeling good about my forehead.
My mind and body were on fire, and I had to have him now. The table and the engrammatic amplifier went flying across the room as I threw him to the floor and held him down. But as he fought back, my human half took over, and as we rolled over and over I kissed his lips, cheeks, forehead, and anything else I could find, and told him again and again how much I loved him. And then I collapsed in tears of joy on his shoulder.
"Thank you, Tom, thank you, thank you. The most wonderful... the most incredible... the most romantic..." I was babbling, what must he think of me? But I knew what he thought of me, of course. "Oh, just thank you, Tom."
He drew back a little and smiled mischievously at me. "Well, you know what they say, Torres." Oh, god, no - not one of his awful puns? "It's the thought that counts."
Before we made love, I was relieved to find that I *could* still lose my temper.