Our Hurricane Season 2004 Adventure
- This has been a learning experience for us down here in South Florida. We have all read about the terrible storms from the past. Some were there during Andrew....but for most of us this was a first. For many it was also a LAST as they will be folding their hands and cashing in their chips and leaving.
I came to South Florida to escape snow and ice and black biting flys that are virtually invisible until AFTER they have chewed half your arm off! I traded them for Florida's Love Bugs. Also black amazing insects that I think are God's way of letting us know how wonderful a sense of humor can be....and that is why I created this page. For if we cannot laugh at ourselves, and with our friends and neighbors then life becomes boring.
This entire storm season has been a terrible time to have endured...but now its time to get back on our feet and go on. (Granted in boots so the fire ants that can swim like olympic champs don't bite us!)
The music playing is by Pat Benitar. Its called "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". Thought it was just the right one to play, for Mother Nature has sure tried to do that this 2004 Storm Season hasn't she?
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
- 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
THINGS LEARNED FROM HURRICANES
CHARLEY AND FRANCES
- Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
Cats are really irritating without power.
He who has the biggest generator wins.
Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water.
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time, brother.
A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
There are really a lot of trees around here.
Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously! wrong.
Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not increase.
Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want - at least during a hurricane curfew.
Crickets can and will increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
When required, a Chrysler 300M will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.
Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged -- providing the service doesn't go down first...which naturally makes the fact you have a fully charged battery --- a mute point.
27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.
Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
Tree service companies are under appreciated.
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.
MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
Camping can be fun, but is definitely not meant to be an "indoor" activity.
FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATION
- You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
- (1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
- Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
- STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
- Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
- (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
- Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
- EVACUATION ROUTE:
- If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
- HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
- If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television if you have a generator that's working keep the tv going and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Things these Hurricanes taught us
- An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up
When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.
Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--- and tastes just as bad.
AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need ( batteries )
The four way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.
Chainsaw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.
SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.
You can use your washing machine as a cooler.
It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.
We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator
You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.
Downed power lines make excellent security systems.
Lake Okeechobee can generate waves.
Gasoline is a value at any price
Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.
The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE ! I agree!
The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.
Candlelight is better than botox--- it takes years off your appearance
Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER. Agreed
Water is a comfort food. But 3 day old Cheetos are too.
No Matter HOW OLD you are..."Shadow animals on the wall" ---Still fun.
No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.
Take it from me, you should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of co workers or neighbors who do not.
There is a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.
Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.
The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator
No matter how bad your yard is...Somebody's got it worse.
You might be a Floridian if...
- You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't have electric yet.
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
Florida ~ Time for a Change!
- Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to
inform
the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect
immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies.
The changes are as follows:
- 1. The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp.
2. The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw.
3. The new State song will be "Blowing in the Wind".
4. The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one".
5. The new state beverage will be anything with an alcohol base.
6. The new State tree will be "any" tree that is left standing at the end of hurricane season.
7. The new State Bird will be the "Whipper Will".
8. The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster".
9. The new name for West Palm will be called "Hurricane Central".
Ode To Florida
- Here I lay half the night, attempting to snore,
kept awake once again by the generators roar.
I spent the whole day in a half-awake daze,
cleaning and patching what the hurricane razed.
Time is not measured in hours that pass,
but by how much longer till the generator needs gas.
My beautiful property is re-arranged quite a bit,
But I guess you can expect that with a hurricane hit.
Limbs down all over, trees torn up by the roots,
Water and mud up over your boots.
My five acres of grass and beautiful trees
Has been transformed overnight into waterfront property.
The fish and the gators swim serenely around,
While snakes swim by headed to high ground.
I wouldn?t mind it so much, but what makes it so hard,
Is the critters are swimming around in my yard!
The horses and cows are in quite a mess,
They don't like water up to their bellies, I guess.
The driveway's a foot deep coming up to my home,
I think I'll have it declared a NO WAKE ZONE.
No running water, AC, or stove,
We can't flush the toilets, we can't wash our clothes.
Well, I think I'll get up and read for a mite,
Sitting alone by the one working light.
PLEASE! Tell me again, how lucky am I!
To live in this land of Florida sunshine!!!
Author
9/04
From the Local National Weather Service....
- The Local National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another
catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Charley, Ivan, and
Jeanne.
The path of this category 5 monster zigs and zags and is therefore highly unpredictable.
Experts believe that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.
The name of this deadly storm is Hurricane Kerry.
Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is to get behind a Bush.
Rumor Has It. . .
- We have all seen the hurricane jokes, I thought this one was
particularly clever....
Rumor has it that Frances was married to Ivan but was having an affair with Charley.
Charley used her and left, and she went looking for him--mad. Charley swept through Florida quickly while Frances (a woman scorned) followed close behind taking her time looking everywhere for him.
Ivan (vacationing in the Caribbean) finally got wind of what happened and is now looking for his wife and Charley. Ivan has vengeance in his heart and has the whole gulf coast running for the hills.
Actually Ivan was in the Caribbean with Jeanne and she is now "hot for him". Which is surprising because she just broke her engagement with Karl who is out looking for both Ivan and Jeanne. Karl's little sister, Lisa, is trying to keep him out of trouble.
Matthew is Lisa's boyfriend who follows her anywhere.
And the rest of this story is....
TO BE CONTINUED...?
Good Grief ...let's hope not!
- 'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late
All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there
The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land
And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter
The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm
With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick
More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!
As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by
So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too
And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!
As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot
A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack
The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show
With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town
The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice
Generators were scarce
Not one left in town There were trees on the roads
And power lines down
FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York
And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne
I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile
You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"The hell with this place,
Vermont seems just right!"
Our Christmas After The Storms
