I'm 18 and I've been cutting myself since I was about 13 or 14. I don't do it as much now, even though sometimes I really want to. The strange thing is, although I know it makes me feel better when things aren't going well, I still don't understand exactly why. I've found recently, while REALLY trying hard not to cut myself, that squeezing ice really hard is a good substitute. I know it sounds weird, but it hurts like hell while you're doing it, doesn't feel too great for a while afterwards, but doesn't leave any scars. Another thing I found that helped was saying "I'll wait 15 or 20 minutes, and if I still really need to cut myself, then I will". Sometimes the need to hurt myself just goes away after a while. I don't know if that'd work for everyone, but it helps me.
I don't know why I did it, it was just comforting. At first I thought I was in control, that it was just something that I did every so often to make me feel better, but it got out of hand. It didn't always cut myself, I would sometimes hit my self across the face until it was red and bruised. I thought I was becoming some kind of a freak. I became so paranoid and I refused to speak to anyone. One by one my friends disappeared until I was alone. That was when I was at my lowest. I hated everything and everyone and I wished that I could just dissolve away. I felt like I was the most worthless thing on earth and suicide became an option. I am so glad I didn't resort to that option. If I had I wouldn't have the Manics or my new understanding friends. How did I stop? Well to tell you the truth, I haven't stopped, but I am a lot better and have more confidence. I am not ashamed of being who I am, I feel comfortable being me. The best of luck to everyone, you can all get through it.
Today, in this often empty and superficial society, sometimes the only thing that one can focus on is pain. Living is becoming an absolute chore and happiness is almost non-existent. I have never really enjoyed life and have resorted to cutting my self many times. The only thing that is keeping me here is the music I write and those in music who I can relate to. People like Morrissey and of course Richey (Edwards) give me a reason to live because I can relate to them and their pain. The only way out of this mundane and hollow life is to try as hard as I can to become successful in music. Not for the money or fame, but to change peoples lives through my lyrics. That is the only purpose I have. Anyway, I have been cutting my self since I started college, mostly on my forearms using the words "NEED" "WANT" "DESPISE" "HELP" "PAIN" "FOCUS" etc. I do so because I attain a feeling that I AM being SET APART FROM OTHER PEOPLE. I cannot fathom the way people live their lives so I must show the majority that "I will not be apart of your hollow existence" Most cannot endure pain, but a few can. WE can. WE can show them that it is not always easy being US. But they will not understand, they never will, only US, WE will ever know what feels to be worthless and vile, when they are the ones who are worthless and vile. Pain sometimes is our only friend and the only thing that keeps us sane.
Nothing wrong with my parents, they've always been nice to me......I really don't want to upset them by making them think they've failed as parents. I can't tell my friends coz i don't have any......I always think they're bitching about me behind my back and they hate me so i can't speak to them about anything. I get lonely, I get upset, I have no one to tell so i just have to keep it in, be as cheery as you can on the outside, don't want people talking....... I'm scared, I have no one who's actually here for me. sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. But sometimes I think I'd better just hang on coz something fab might happen and everything would be alright...........I felt bad last summer..............over winter I've been a lot better.....but i recognise this feeling....and I know all of last years sadness is coming back....and it's coming back worse.......and this year I don't want to fight it. I just want to lie down forget about everything and go to sleep but never wake up. Self mutilation makes me feel like I'm a bit special to be able to do this self mutilation just makes me feel. I don't think any of that made any sense..........can't think straight at the moment that's all I wanted to say
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