"No, man, I'm serious, you have to come in and see her."
"You’re losing it."
"Fuck you. I mean it Dave, you have to."
"I’m a vegetarian. I don’t go to McDonald’s on principle, and the fact that they gave you a job doesn’t encourage me."
"They have veggie burgers."
"Cooked on the same grill as the hamburgers?"
"Uh, I think so."
"I’m not going. As much as your obsession with this chick intrigues me."
"I’m not obsessed."
"Sorry, whipped."
"Fuck you."
"Stu, you are so whipped. You’d let her put a leash on you and drag you across a lineoleum floor."
"Where did you come up with that?"
"I read it somewhere. Doesn’t she have a boyfriend anyway?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Look in the mirror. Why would she dump him for you?"
"Why are you such an asshole?"
"I’m a nihilist."
"So you don’t believe in anything, right?"
"Right."
"Then why do you believe in vegetarianism?"
"Fuck you, dumbass."
"Just come see her. She’s the most beautiful thing on earth."
"You really want to fuck her, don’t you?"
"I’d never ‘fuck’ her."
"So what would you do, like, ‘make love’?"
"Well, yeah."
"Jesus H. Roosevelt Chr-"
"I thought you were a nihilist."
"I’ll come in, okay? I’ll get fries or something. What’s she look like again? Ditzy blonde?"
"No! She’s got long brown hair, nice eyes, doesn’t usually smile."
"She’s a goth?"
"No, just the saddest person I’ve ever met."
"That’s ‘cause she has to work with you."
"Fuck off."
"I have to go. Baywatch is on."
"Why do you watch that shit?"
"‘Cause I think V.I.P.’s gonna’ get canceled."
"You’re sick."
"Ever seen ‘Nikita’?"
"Bye, Dave."
* * *
"Hey, that’s Dave." Stuart nudged Josephine at the deep fryer.
"Letterman? I’m not a Letterman fan."
"No, my friend. Can you go serve him?"
"What did they frost your corn flakes with?"
"Please?"
"Fine. Trina, I’ve got the counter."
Stuart started nodding vigorously at his friend.
"Stuart. What the hell are you doing?"
"Um... my neck is... cramping."
"Right." She walked up to the counter where a rodent-like teenager was waiting. "Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?"
"Large fries."
"Would you like to supersize that?"
"No thanks."
"Okay, that comes to $1.39."
Dave shook his head.
"No, really, it does."
"Sorry, something else."
"Like neck cramps?"
"Yeah."
She nodded sagely as he gave her his money. Stuart whistled and she picked up Dave’s order and handed it to him. "Have a nice day."
"You too." He exited with his fries casting confused looks over his shoulder.
"Hey Stu?" she said.
"Yeah?"
"Your friend’s got neck cramps too."
"Maybe the flu’s going around... in the summer..."
"Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?"
* * *
"She’s not hot."
"I never said she was hot, she’s beautiful. Those are two different things."
"Either way... no."
"What’s your problem?"
"She’s... well... ugly."
"She is not. She’s, like, timeless."
"Yeah, she’d be considered nasty by the standards of most time periods."
"Fuck off."
"Hey, all that matters is that you like her. You’ve got less competition that way."
"I’ve already got too much competition."
"Young love is fleeting."
"That’s supposed to be comforting?"
"Either they’ll break up or you’ll get over it."
"I can’t just ‘get over it’."
"So now you’re gonna’ tell me what, that you’re in love with her?"
"Um... yeah. I think I am."
Dave was struck temporarily silent.
"How did I know this was gonna’ happen to you?" he sighed. "Oh yeah, you’re not an asshole."
"And you are?"
"Hell yes."
Stuart shrugged. They were quiet for a moment. "Yeah, so..."
"Yeah, Baywatch."
"Yeah, okay, ‘bye."
"‘Bye."
He hung up the phone and started bleakly out the kitchen window. The summer sun pounded on the pavement outside, turning the city into a sauna.
"I love her."
He whispered the words. They hung limply in the still air, unaware of their own importance.
Nothing he had ever said had ever felt so right, and nothing he had ever said had ever felt
so wrong.
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