The hospital walls looked dingy, and there was stuffing poking out of the bottom of Nick’s chair. Every now and then he pulled absently on it before he looked down the hall at the door to her room. The doctors hadn’t given them any concrete word on what was wrong, just said something vague and incomprehensible about head trauma and a possible coma. The fluorescent lighting was giving him a headache.
He didn’t know why she’d been willing to die for him. If she died, it would be his fault, or at least he would always feel that way. And she would never answer all the questions he had for her. There was so much he needed to ask that he was sure she knew. He needed to at least talk to her, once. Something would be lost if she died in that room. It was worse because he wouldn’t know what.
They were all slumped against the wall in various states of sleep or lack thereof. AJ dozed on and off, looking guilty whenever he woke up. Howie was quiet but alert, and Kevin was sleepy but determined to stay awake. The thought of sleep never crossed Nick’s mind, and his surroundings were beginning to take on a painful, sharp glow. Brian had been trying to get word on how she was doing. They still hadn’t been able to see her. She was unconscious and hadn’t woken up yet. The doctors said she might never wake up.
Brian was at the end of the hall now, talking to one of the doctors. Nick watched his best friend’s facial expressions closely for any sign of what was happening, but couldn’t read anything into it. After a few moments, Brian came back down the hall and the doctor went back into her room.
“The doctor says she’s stabilizing. She’ll probably regain consciousness soon.”
Nick’s drawn face regained some colour. “So she’s going to be okay?”
“Yeah. The worst we’re looking at is a concussion. Her arm is broken pretty badly, but she’ll be fine.”
Nick leaned back in the chair and laughed with relief. “Oh my God.”
“Her name’s Chloe.”
“Chloe? That can’t be right. She’s not a Chloe.”
Brian shrugged.
The doctor emerged from her room and came towards them. Nick stood up slowly.
“Gentlemen, she’s conscious, but I wouldn’t suggest subjecting her to any undue emotional stress. She’s probably very traumatized from whatever she experienced and needs some rest, and it’s very late. But she’s going to be absolutely fine. There seems to have been no brain damage.”
Nick sighed. “Okay. Thank you.”
The doctor strode away purposefully, and Nick took a step towards her door.
“You’re not going in there first,” Brian said.”
“What? Why not?”
“I don’t think she’d be ready to see you right away,” Howie said.
“And I don’t think you’re ready to see her right now,” Brian added.
“What the hell—?”
“Simmer down. I’m gonna’ go see her, and you can go in after if she says it’s okay. Come on, you know I’m right.”
Nick muttered something and Brian considered it an affirmative.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
She struggled to sit up when Brian entered, unused to having her left arm in a sling. “Hi.”
“Hey.” He pulled a chair from the corner up to her bed. “How are you feeling?”
“A little dizzy at times, otherwise pretty good. You guys were really good tonight— at the concert I mean. I had a great time.”
“Oh. Thanks.” He shifted his weight in the chair. “How bad is the arm?”
“Almost entirely shattered. It kept my head from being blown off my shoulders though, so I’m not about to complain.”
“So that’ll take a few months to heal.”
“Normally, yes.”
“It’s not going to heal normally, is it?”
She smiled wryly. “No, probably not.”
“What you did was very brave.”
“Not necessarily.”
“The doctor says you shouldn’t have survived.”
“I suppose not.”
“Just like your arm should take a few months to heal and you should have died last night.”
“I see you’ve caught on.”
They exchanged cautious smiles of understanding and possible friendship.
“You aren’t anywhere near sixteen, are you?”
“No.”
“Are you even human?”
She looked almost offended. “Yes.” Looking into her eyes, he wondered why he’d been stupid enough to ask. Her soul was so naked that it almost embarrassed him.
She looked away, uncomfortable under his scrutiny. “I’ll pay you back for the medical care.”
“That’s not important.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m perfectly able to.”
“Nick won’t let you.”
She tried to shrug, forgetting her arm. “Fuck!” She winced. Swearing seemed a little indecent around him for some reason. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. Do you mind seeing Nick now?”
“Umm. . . no, it’s fine.”
“Your name’s not really Chloe, is it?”
“Oh hell no.”
He stood up to leave and was about to turn away when he extended his hand towards her. “I have no concept of what your life is like, do I?”
She smiled gratefully and shook his hand. “No, but you’ve made the effort.”
He grinned. “Good luck. Don’t confuse him too much, okay?”
“I’ll try not to.”
“At least not intentionally.”
“You know, I’m kind of glad you’re not mybest friend.”
He grinned again and left. “Hey Nick, you’re right, she’s not a Chloe,” he said when he reached Nick’s chair.
“Then what is her name?”
“I don’t know. I just know it’s not Chloe.”
“‘Hi, Not-Chloe, how are you?’”
Brian shot him a look.
“Sorry. Man, I’m really scared.”
“Don’t be.”
“Did she say it was okay?”
“Yeah, she did.”
Nick took a deep breath. “Okay, I can do this. I am prepared to do this.”
“You da man,” AJ yawned.
He pushed open the door slowly and stood in the entrance feeling dumb. She looked up from picking at her blanket. There was enough emotion in her face to render it neutral. “Hi.”
He knew she was feeling stronger now because the magnetic force between them had returned. “Um. . .” He searched for the right word. “Hi.”
She smiled.
It felt kind of like she was mocking him, but he was willing to let it pass. “I’m gonna’ sit down now, okay?” He took a step inside.
“Sounds like a plan.” He was sure that the upturned corners of her mouth were all that was holding back a flood of laughter at his idiocy.
“It’s just. . .” Nick looked at her pleadingly. “I’m scared.”
“I know.” The smile wasn’t mocking anymore. “So am I.”
He sat down and looked at her. Her hair was spread out, cascading across the pillow behind her head. Two blue-grey-green oceans calmed their storms to welcome him home. “We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”
“Yeah.” She looked away for a second and fidgeted with the edge of the blanket.
“What do you want me to call you? I mean, what’s your name? ‘Cause Brian told me it’s not Chloe.”
“No, it’s not.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “It’s Edana.”
“Edana? That’s pretty. I’ve never heard it before.”
“Thanks.”
“Is it your real name?”
“The one I was born with.”
“Uh, how’s your arm? Does it hurt or anything?”
“Only when I try to move it.”
“How’s your head?”
“No more damaged than usual.”
He grinned; he had never expected her to be funny. “So you’re going to be okay?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s good. . . I was worried.”
“Thanks.”
They were silent for a while. He started tapping his foot on the floor while he got the courage to ask the next question. “Why did you-“
“Because I didn’t want you to die.”
“But you might have.”
“Probably not.”
“How does that work?”
She sighed. “If I try to kill myself, or sacrifice my life for someone else’s, I can’t die. Otherwise, I’m as mortal as the next person.”
“Why is it like that?”
Edana looked down at the blanket again. “I don’t know if I want to tell you yet, because it’s a part of a larger story that I can’t separate it from. And I don’t know if you’re ready for that story, or if I should ever tell you at all.”
“Why not?”
“Everything. . . here”- she gestured to the room with one hand, but he knew what she meant- “is up to you. I can’t choose. But I don’t want to interfere with your choice.”
“What choice?”
She didn’t look at him, and the confidence he was accustomed to her having wasn’t there. “The way you feel about me,” she mumbled. “If you. . .”
“How would you change that?”
“I don’t want to make you feel guilty, or obligated-“
“Should I feel obligated?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you not know?”
“I just don’t know. I can’t say no and I can’t say yes, because both and neither are right.”
“So what if I told you how I feel and then you told me whatever it is?”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Edana”- the name was alien to his tongue- “I want to know why you ran away from me the first time. I want to know why whenever I’m with you it feels like something’s pushing me away and something else is pulling me in. Mostly I. . . I want to know what hurt you.”
Nick wondered if he’d been wrong about her being hurt. She looked away from him again. At first he thought she was angry at him, but there was no anger in her face. “Fine.” Her voice was flat, carefully controlled. Talking to her right now seemed as useful as pouring his heart out to a concrete wall.
“Please look at me. I can’t say this if you’re not.”
She lifted her head and met his eyes. Hers were grey and stormy. He saw she wasn’t angry, just scared, and that there was some sort of battle of self-control going on inside her that he would never understand.
He took a deep breath. “Okay. The first time I met you- I guess it was last night- was it only last night?- it felt like we were two north ends of magnets, and we were pushing each other away. And that was really weird, because it was almost physical. But the thing was, something just as strong, maybe stronger, was keeping me there with you. Like I was supposed to be there. Like I was always supposed to be there. I felt like I knew you, even though I’d never even seen you before. The next day everything looked different. People, places, plants, whatever. It was like everything had this beauty in it that came partly from just existing that I’d never seen before. Because you weren’t the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, but you were the most beautiful.”
He suddenly got the feeling that this was the most important thing he’d ever said. Looking at her nearly blinded him.
“So tonight, I was so scared that I was going to lose you, because you changed everything and I would never have been able to tell you. I would never have been able to do anything with you and I didn’t want to think about having that possibility taken away. And I would never have been able to make that sadness in your eyes go away, or know what or who it was that hurt you like that. And I want to make that go away.
“How I feel about you is this. I feel like I know you, like I’ve always known you, and like everything changed when I met you. Everything is more beautiful because I’ve seen something beautiful in you. And I feel really stupid because it’s never supposed to happen this fast and it’s only supposed to be infatuation if it’s this fast, but that’s not what this is. You make me remember how amazing it is that I exist. I don’t love you, because I don’t know you, but I could. I could love you. And I hope you don’t think I’m crazy or stupid for-“
He stopped. She was crying. Quietly and unobtrusively, without whimpers or gasps, tears were falling silently down her cheeks. She looked embarrassed when she noticed he’d seen her.
“I’m sorry,” she said hoarsely. “I’m sure this will stop in a minute.”
“Did I—“
“No, you. . . didn’t do anything wrong.” She clumsily wiped the wetness of her scraped cheek, the saltiness of her tears not doing anything to help the wound.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just give me a minute.” They were both quiet for a time Nick couldn’t measure, until her eyes were dry and faintly red around the edges.
“So, that’s how I feel. It’s your turn now.”
“Oh, yeah.” She sniffled. “I don’t really know where to start.”
“Wherever.”
“No, really- things are a little complicated. And you probably won’t even believe me.”
“I fight evil aliens.”
“You make a valid point.” She smiled wanly. “So bear with me through this story and you can ask me questions when I’m finished, because this is going to be kind of hard.”
“Okay.”
“I’m not sixteen like it says on my birth certificate. I’m actually about 740 years old. And my real name is Edana, like I told you. No one’s called me that since. . . since I was sixteen, I guess. When I actually was sixteen, in medieval England, I met a wonderful, slightly older man named Jonathan. The problem was that I was a peasant living in poverty with an abusive family and he was a member of the upper class. But he kept coming to see me, even though he wasn’t supposed to. No one knew about us- well, we didn’t think so. I was innocent then- we both were- and we believed that we would always be together. You could say that we were soulmates.” Her eyes were wistful.
“We met near his uncle’s stables at night once a week for about a year. We never had sex, or did more than kiss, but we talked a lot. He tried to teach me how to read, and wrote me letters that he said I’d be able to read someday. I still have all of them, and I can read them now. He was his father’s youngest son, and so he was entitled to the prestige of the family name, but no land or fortune. So he decided that he was going to run away with me somewhere far away, where we could be together and no one would know.
“Except things didn’t go as planned the night we were supposed to leave. He’d mentioned a rich, pretty girl named Rowena that was pursuing him, but he hated her because she was cruel and manipulative. Unbeknownst to us, she’d been following him around and knew about us, and she was a witch who practiced the black arts. So we met and we were about to leave when she suddenly appeared and cursed me. Jonathan couldn’t do anything, she had us both pinned against the wall. She’d decided that if she couldn’t be with him, then neither could I. She cursed me with the partial immortality I already told you about, and that I would recognize his soul in all its future reincarnations but that I could never be with him. And then she killed him and disappeared.
“I took the horses he’d brought and rode as far away as I could, sold them and the clothes for money. I wandered around Europe for years. I thought it was aimless, but it turned out it wasn’t. It was always to where his soul was, and I would find him, but I could never be with him. I tried to kill myself- many times- but it never worked. During the Plague, I was in France, and I worked as a nurse. I was immune to the disease because I wanted to die so badly. I found him dying in a hospital- he was actually a woman that time- but before I could say anything, he died. I’ve watched him die a lot.” She looked distant and sad.
“Eventually I came over to North America, with the settlers, because that’s where he was. I’ve been around Canada and the US in the last hundred or so years, finding him. I could never stay anywhere for long, because I don’t physically age, so I never made friends. There would be periods of ten to twenty years where I couldn’t find him, so I just went wherever. I went to Australia in the ‘80s. It’s beautiful there. I wanted to stay, but he was in Toronto, so I went there. Nice there too- not the same, but nice. He died there, and I planned to stay there until I knew where he was again. But I didn’t have to leave to find him because I saw him on TV one day and knew it was him, and that there was no use chasing, because fame would be enough to keep him from me this time.”
“Who was it?”
She looked away for a second as if to regain her composure, then back at him. Her eyes were warm. “You. It’s you.”
He was stunned. He fell into her eyes and felt how old she was; how old part of him was. “It’s me?”
“It’s you, Nick.”
“You’ve loved me all your life. . . you know everything I’ve been. . .”
“Yes.”
“There’s no heaven?”
“I think there is. I think you just have to work out your karma and do everything you’re supposed to, and then you go to heaven. Early Christianity involved a belief in reincarnation, you know. It was just written out.”
“All your life. . . seven hundred years. . .”
“Yeah.”
”I’m sorry.” He felt like he was going to cry. “I’m so sorry. . .”
“It’s not your fault.”
“But—“
“Shh. It’s not your fault.”
“That’s why you’re hurt. Because you live in your own private hell. Because you could never be with me, or have friends—“
“It’s not your fault.”
“How are you with me now? If you’re- we’re- cursed?”
“There must be some stronger magic now that’s keeping us together, but you feel the curse when you’re with me. The magnets. What’s trying to push us apart.”
Nick reached into his pocket, pulling out her opal and his green stone, and held them in his open palm. Both were warm and glowing. He took her hand and put it on top of the stones so she could feel their warmth. When they were like this the magnets were gone and all he felt was that he belonged there with her. He looked into her eyes and saw her pain recede, replaced by the joy of receiving something that had been withheld for what was an eternity in the human heart.
After a few moments he lifted her hand and put the stones into his pocket again. The magnets returned but they were still weak. “I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s alright.”
He let the tears start coming as the first rays of dawn filtered in the window. “I’m so sorry. . . even if it’s not my fault. . .”
“I know.”
Nick pushed his chair forward so that he could put his arms around her. He was careful not to hurt her arm while he pulled her towards him. She rested her head on his chest like she had done it a thousand times before. “It must have been so long.”
“It was.” I was supposed to see dawn with you once, a long time ago. . .
“I’m here now.”
She smiled against his shirt. “I know.”
Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself,
Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms
There’s something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done
It feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come
from
It feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ‘cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there’s
light
If you knew how much this moment means to me,
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me,
I never thought I’d love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come
from
It feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
-Chantal Kreviazuk, ‘Feels Like Home’
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