"Nicky thinks he offended you," Annie blurted out.
I looked up from where I was holding Annie's two-day-old daughter Mackenzie Ann Denise McLean and stared at her.
She and the beautiful child in my arms had come home just six hours after Mackenzie's birth. A.J. and Alex were at a nearby golf course spending some guy time together while Annie and I spent some girl time together. "What?" I asked.
"Nicky thinks he said something to offend you the morning Mackenzie was born," she clarified.
"Why would he think that? We hardly said anything to each other. He didn't offend me," I lied. Or was it the truth. Was I offended or just hurt? And if I was either than why? What made his opinion of me so important?
"I don't know what he said or did or what you two talked about, but afterwards he said you wouldn't get near him," she said, watching me.
Annie could read a person and know everything about them in a moment. It was gift of hers or a curse if you were the person she was reading. She didn't push for answers or demand explanations yet you always felt you had to offer one. Like I felt right then.
"I wasn't avoiding him really," I said, looking away. That only lasted a moment. "Alright, so I was avoiding him. We just don't agree on much. I figured it was best for us to just keep our distance. Besides with everyone there it was just like it always has been with us. You know we never talk," I explained.
"You may not have talked before but Nicky's talked about you nonstop for the last two days. He's been asking all about you. What happened, Jack?" she asked, reaching a hand out to touch my arm.
"He thinks something is wrong with me," I admitted quietly. I stood and went to place Mackenzie in her swing.
"What? What in the world are you talking about?"
"Annie, you know how I feel about falling in love. I just don't believe in it. I believe in you and A.J., but I don't believe in forever. That's just me," I started.
"I know, Jack. That's your choice. I don't condemn that. That's you, Jack. How ever you want to love is your choice," she said, standing up as well.
"Thank you for that, Annie, but Carter still thinks something is wrong with me."
She came up beside me and touched my shoulder causing me to look up. Or maybe I was still looking down. She was nearly a foot shorter than I was.
"And that hurts?" she asked.
"And I have no idea why. Why should it matter to me if that man thinks something is wrong with me? What difference should it make if anyone thinks that? Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing has happened to me. It's just a choice I've made," I exclaimed quietly. It did hurt because it wasn't true I realized. It hurt because it was an assumption made without fact from a man so important to the people I loved. He had no reason or right to think that.
"Have you thought about telling Nicky that?" she asked.
"Do you know how funny it sounds to hear you talk about a twenty-seven-year-old man by the name of Nicky?" I teased.
"He'll always be my Nicky. Do you know funny it sounds to hear you talk about him by the name of Carter? Makes him sound like a yuppie," she shot back, grinning.
"No comment," I joked, laughing.
"So why don't you give the boy another chance and talk to him. If you give him half a chance you two could be great friends."
"He doesn't strike me as the type of man who let's a single woman just be a friend," I commented.
"If that woman isn't looking for love then he's the type of man who will have to accept no. He's a good man, Jack. A wonderful man who will be the kind of friend everyone deserves if you give him a chance."
"And if he scares me?"
"Scares you?" she repeated with a puzzled expression.
"You told me once that our souls know the ones we are to love the moment we see them. Love at first sight so to speak. What if Carter is my other soul?"
It was a quiet question. One asked for from a quiet fear that I denied I carried with me. All the whys, what ifs, could bes that I carried in me yet never admitted they haunted my heart. All those things came out in that single question.
"And would it be so bad if he was? If you are meant to love someone so completely would it be so bad to love a man like Nicky?" she asked, her questions just as quiet as mine.
Annie respected my choices, understood why I didn't want to love, but she was always a hopeless romantic. She had so much with A.J. that she couldn't help but want the world to know that same happiness. It was one of the things that made Annie the woman everyone loved.
"It would be horrible if I didn't want to know that kind of pain or to take the chance of knowing that kind of pain. I don't like admitting he scares me. I don't like admitting he has any kind of effect on me, Annie. Jeez, I've barely had a real conversation with the man," I burst out, throwing my hands up in the air.
I hated this. I hated this whole damn situation. I felt like a character in some book with no control over myself, like someone else was writing my lines. It didn't make sense. Suddenly my emotions were no longer under my control. I was struggling to hold to a belief that had been as much a part of me as breathing. I knew myself, I knew my heart, and I knew what I wanted. Didn't I?
"So I'll explain it to him. He'll understand. You've worked for the guys for two years and kept your distance. Why should that change now?" Annie asked, not looking at me.
"Annie?"
Still her eyes kept focused on Mackenzie.
"Annie?"
She didn't budge.
"Please, Annie? Understand?" I pleaded. Someone had to understand because I was starting to wonder if I did anymore.
"Oh, Jack," she said, looking up at me. "I do understand. I understand perfectly and I accept it, but that doesn't stop me from wanting you to know how wonderful Nicky is. You two are so much alike. You could find a wonderful friend in him, but I do understand and I won't push you. The choices are yours to make, Jack, and you've made them."
"So why am I wondering for the first time in my life if those were the
wrong choices to make?" I whispered.
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