A week later I finally had dinner with Annie, Jamie, and Mackenzie. It was hard to sit there and pretend things were the way they had been, but I survived it. The hardest part didn't come till after dinner.
In the end I read Jamie a book and put him to bed as Annie put Mackenzie to bed.
It was a surreal moment for me. Our two bodies curled together, we each held a side of the book and took turns reading each paragraph (or at least quoting paragraphs since Jamie couldn't read but knew the story by heart.) It was a moment in time that brought back memories of a boy who had done the same for me as a girl. Memories of a boy who quieted my childhood fears and wiped away my tears. Memories of a boy who became a man I was being forced to learn to live without.
"Jack, are you crying?" Jamie whispered as he stared up at me in the tiny bed.
"Just a little, love," I answered, not bothering to wipe away my tears. It would do no good to wipe them away when Jamie already knew they were there.
"For Manny?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking how he used to read to me like this when I was little." I readjusted the pillows behind us and smiled down at him.
"You know something, Jamie? You are a lot like my Manny. He loved me the same way you do."
"How do I love you, Jack?"
"You love me like forever, love. The same way Manny did. You know he told me once that you were my blessing, my best friend," I admitted to the small child in my arms.
"Me?"
"Yeah, you. He said you made me smile when the world tried to make me cry. You broke me free of the scary things, Jamie." I kissed the top of his head and he smiled up at me.
"Jack?"
"What?"
"How do I make you smile when you think of Manny?"
Such an innocent question from such an innocent child yet it changed so many things. When I climbed out of that bed a little bit later to the soft sounds of him sleeping I was still thinking of his question.
How would I ever smile again at the thought of a man who had done nothing but make me smile? Now I was just beginning to accept that my life would never know his joy again, but that it would continue to move forward without it. Was it even possible to smile at the thought of him after so many months of crying over him?
"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Annie asked me as I made my way back to the living room.
"Nothing much. Just something your angel said to me. That kid is a miracle. I won't be surprised if Mackenzie turns out the same way," I said, smiling at the thought of the beautiful baby.
"They get it from their father," she answered, sitting down on the sofa and patting the spot next to her.
"They get if from both their parents. You two are the eighth wonder of the world. A real miracle in a world that needs all the miracles it can get," I answered in return as I took a spot next to her.
"Alex says you finally called Nicky. Did he help?" she asked, her kind brown eyes watching me so intently.
"I think so. He made me laugh. Can you believe it? I didn't think I would ever laugh again. I didn't want to ever laugh again or smile or talk or live. I got a swift kick in the butt from you husband so I called him. Then I chickened out and wouldn't answer the phone when he tried to call me back all week. I didn't know what to say to him," I confessed, running my hands through my hair in frustration.
"How about I miss you? Have you talked to him since then?" she asked.
"Yeah, a week ago. Kate burst into my office and gave me hell too. She said I was scaring the shit out of him and I needed to knock it off and call him. Everyone should have a friend like her," I added, smiling.
"You were, you know."
"I was what?" I asked, confused.
"Scaring him. He even called me asking if I knew if you were all right. He was going to give up the tour and come home if he didn't talk to you soon."
Brushing a strand of my hair back from my face, I looked at Annie. "But why? Why would he be so concerned about me, Annie? I just work for him, I've played ball with him a few times. I'm no one important. Why would he give up something so important for me?"
It didn't make sense to me. What kind of person gave up a dream, a life style, a career for a woman like me? Why would you want to let go of something you loved so much for a woman who seemed only to hurt you?
"Because he cares about you, Jack," Annie answered, quietly with that steady reassurance that was Annie.
"Why though? Why me?"
"Have you thought about asking Nicky that? You're looking to everyone else for answers about a man who could as easily give you the answers himself." She reached a hand out and touched my shoulder.
She was wiser than the world realized, than I realized. Though she was younger than I was, her life had not been easy I knew. Many times I had heard the story of how A.J. changed her life and many times I had heard the story of how Annie changed his life. He brought her alive in the world and he brought her a love she had long been without. She was a woman searching her entire life for what she found with A.J. I was a woman running from it.
"Jack, you are a woman loved by everyone in your life. It's impossible not to love you. Maybe Nicky is just another one of those people. As scary as that is, Jack, it'll be the most precious thing you'll ever know if you let be," she said, smiling at me in the way of a woman who knows secrets she is trying to share with the world.
"I don't know if I want to, Annie. I still hurt so much from Manny and that was months ago. Every day I get up it still feels like someone is twisting a knife in my heart. It hurts to even think about him. I don't know if I want to add Carter to the list of other people who could hurt me like that," I confessed, trying to find all my answers in her gentle brown eyes.
"Sometimes, Jack, your heart doesn't let you decide. It chooses
for you."
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