Just a few short weeks later I found myself standing in the airport as the Backstreet Boys, band, security, and crew got ready to board a plane to Europe to begin their newest tour. It was a painful moment for everyone, but maybe in some twisted way it was more painful for me.
I stood silently by watching everyone say his or her good-byes, kissing, hugging, crying, and promising endless phone calls. Even if you didn't know the BSB family personally your heart would have ached for them regardless.
Brian held Leighanne tightly to him with Bannah in his arms and Charlotte in Leighanne's. Leigh sobbed even as she tried to soothe her daughters' tears as they cried for their daddy.
Kevin whispered in Kristen ear as they cradled Jerald between the two of them. The tears glistened in his eyes as her lip trembled in her effort to control her emotions.
Howie cried openly as he held Kymmi and Caroline in his embrace. Though only slightly strong, Kymmi wiped his tears and promised that in just a few weeks she and their six-month-old daughter would be with him.
Watching A.J. and Annie was probably the hardest for me. Neither one made any attempt to hide their tears. Their hearts were breaking at the thought of being apart. They were two halves of a whole that were incomplete in every sense when apart. With Jamie's arms wrapped tightly around A.J.'s leg, Annie held on to his waist as A.J. held Mackenzie against his heart. The three-month-old little girl could sense the sadness and screamed even in her father's arms.
"Angel, you gotta stop. I can't walk on to that plane with you crying like this. Please, baby. I'll be back before you know it and you and the kids are coming out in just a few weeks. Come on, Annie. Please," A.J. begged of his wife.
"I'm trying, Alex, but it hurts. I'm scared. This is the first time I haven't gone with you. Even when Jamie was younger we went. I don't know how to stay behind," Annie cried into his shoulder.
"You aren't staying behind. You're just going on tour a little slower than we are," he joked and she gave up a tiny smile. "See, there's my angel. You have to be strong for Jamie and Mac, baby. They need you."
"And I need you," she shot back. Then she swiftly wiped her tears away. "You are my heart and soul, Alex McLean. I'm not complete without you so you damn well better get you skinny butt back home soon. Now pick your son up and assure him that you aren't leaving us forever," she said, stepping back so A.J. could pick up their son.
"Don't worry about us, Daddy. I'll take care of Mommy and Mac and even Jack," Jamie promised his father, hugging his neck.
I saw the look A.J. and Annie cast my way, but quickly averted my eyes. Now was not the time or place to waste pity on me.
"Feel a little left out?"
I looked up to see Nick by my side and almost smiled. He always stood there. Next to me as if he were my protector, my guardian against loneliness. It was a funny thought to a woman trapped in heartache.
"Not really. More like intrusive, like I don't belong here," I admitted, looking back at the four families.
"Of course you belong here, Walker. You're a part of us, of our family," Nick assured me.
"I know that but look at them and tell me you don't think you shouldn't be here. Look at how much they are hurting, how afraid they are. They shouldn't have to worry about being watched." I turned my back on my friends and looked at Nick. "So where's you entourage, Carter?"
"What are you talking about, woman? My entourage is back in California, remember? I don't have any family here," he reminded me.
"No one?"
"Not in Florida. Not anymore though B.J. is thinking of moving back out here. She's out in Cali with the rest of them for now though."
I watched his eyes. They were sad. He missed them, the people who were his family. B.J., Leslie, Angel, Aaron, Bob, and Jane. There was someone else my memory insisted. Another member I couldn't place but I knew they existed.
"Your sister. What about your sister? What's her name? Gina? Ginny? Ginger! You have an older sister, Ginger, who lives out here, right?" I asked. Then it occurred to me that maybe Ginger wasn't a part of his family. I didn't know much about the Carters and I knew next to nothing about this woman I had just mentioned.
"No, Ginger and her crew moved to Arizona about four years ago. Her husband got a job offer they couldn't pass up. I go out to visit them once a year, but that's about as often as I get to see them," he admitted, looking away to stare out the window at the runway.
"You really are alone here, aren't you?"
"For now. I figure it won't be long before I find a woman willing to put up with me for a lifetime," he teased, smiling at me.
"You're better off alone," I answered, looking out at the runway as he had just done.
"Hey, Walker," he began.
I looked up at him, my green eyes meeting his gentle blue ones. He knew more than he let on about the world around him.
"When it gets hard call me. I don't care what time it is or where I am I'll be there. Even if they have to pull me off stage to answer that phone I'll be there," he promised, reaching up to brush the hair from my face.
"Empty words, Carter. Empty words," I responded, my eyes locked with his. He could promise me he was going to walk on to that plane and I still would have doubted him. People say a million things in their lifetimes. They have no control over whether or not they are true so why bother saying them?
"The words might be, but actions never are," he answered. Taking my hand, he laced his fingers through mine and tilted my head up. My eyes wide open, I watch him lower his head and brush his lips against mine. Could it be call a kiss it was so gentle? I don't know. All I knew was I trusted that kiss like I didn't trust his words.
"I'll be home in a few weeks. Be safe for me till then. Call me no matter what," he begged, giving my hand a tiny squeeze. "I'll be back for you, Walker."
He squeezed my hand one last time then turned towards the other guys. He swung his arm around Brian's shoulder and guided him on to the plan as Leighanne and the girls waved after him. Kevin, Howie, and A.J. tore themselves away from the families and rushed on to the plane.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Who asks for that kind of pain? Who willingly goes through life knowing they will hurt that much? I just didn't understand.
"Jack!"
The cry came from Jamie as he rushed towards me. Until that moment I had gone unnoticed by those quiet brown eyes.
"Hello, love," I greeted, picking up the lanky boy.
"Are you all better, Jack?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my neck.
"No, love, but I'm trying. I'm trying," I answered.
We stood in silence watching the plane take off, taking from us the men we cherished. As we stood watching the plane fade from sight I wondered how much more I would hurt without having Nick there to wipe away my tears.
"Time to go, Jack," Annie whispered, putting her arm around me.
I looked down at her tear-streaked face and saw her smile.
"It hurts, Annie," I admitted.
"That's the best part, Jack, because if it hurts to see him go just imagine how wonderful it'll feel when he comes home."
"And if he doesn't come home to me?"
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