Have you ever noticed how everyone looks at you when you're grieving after you make an attempt to return to your normal life? They watch you like a hawk. It's as if they are waiting, waiting for you to crumple, waiting for you to explode, waiting for you to go crazy. They just watch and wait and that always seems to make it worse.
When I walked into the Fun club offices Monday morning that was the reaction I got. Everyone watched me. They watched my face, the way I moved, the things I did. It only made me want to go back home and crawl back into my bed.
I stopped by Kate's desk and picked up my messages then walked into my office. I didn't smile, didn't speak. They were lucky I managed to walk in on my own two feet.
I dropped my messages on my desk and walked to the window. Orlando. I had a beautiful view of a city I had called home all my life. A city I had only left once to go to college at the University of Kentucky. Yes, it was yet another thing Brian and I connected over, our love for the Wildcats.
Standing there though I began to wonder. I wondered if I could continue to call Orlando home without Manny. Everything about it was connected to him and I didn't know if I was strong enough to live through that day after day. Every corner, every tree, every park, every sidewalk held some memory of my brother. Would I make it through the rest of my life with constant reminders of someone who had taken my heart in death? Would I go crazy waking up every morning to a city that seemed to scream Manny with every breath it took? Or would I simply learn to live with a pain that was slowly killing my soul?
The knock on my door pulled my thoughts back to the office.
"Yes," I called out.
Kate opened the door and stuck her head inside. "Delivery, Jack."
She opened the door wider and allowed the delivery boy in. He carried a large gorgeous bouquet of lilies that I directed him to place on the corner of my dress. I signed for them then waited as he left.
"Jack, if you need me just call, ok?" Kate offered.
I nodded and watched her close the door. I turned and looked at the flowers. They were beautiful and the fragrance filled my office. Lilies had always been special to me. They were my mother's favorite flowers, so much so that she had named me after them. Jacklyn Lily Walker graced my birth certificate. They were the first flowers anyone had ever given me and that person had been Manny on my sixth birthday. Lilies would always be special to me.
I reached for the card in the flowers and pulled it free. I already knew who had sent them but I read the words anyway.
Walker,
Words say little, but actions say it all. No matter what happens I'm going to be there. I won't leave voluntarily.
Carter
I won't leave voluntarily. Yeah, right. Everyone leaves. That was my newest lesson in life. Before I thought at least I would never lose my family. I was wrong. Everyone walks out of your life sooner or later.
"Everyone disappears sometime," I whispered into the silent office as I fe
lt the tears burn my eyes. "The only difference is some of us don't go on our own. Sometimes we don't get a choice. Sometimes death takes us and sometimes people push us away."
I looked up to see Nick standing there. He looked sad, sad and tired as he stood watching me.
"You need sleep, Carter. Go home," I ordered, turning back to my desk. I stared down at the lilies and breathed them in.
"I need a hell of a lot more than sleep, Walker. Were you listening to everything I said the other day?"
I thought back to the scene in my living room two days ago. Nick's confusion over touring, Brian's concern for me, Kate's worries about Nick, and Nick's confession. Was I listening? The man was talking in my living room. Of course I was listening!
"I heard enough to know you're crazy if you think I'm going to let you give up on a tour the world is holding its breath for. Not for me anyway."
"Walker, I'm worried about you," Nick confessed.
"Well, don't be. Let me tell you something, Carter. I'm not your average run of the mill woman. I don't need a man to hold my hand while I grieve or while I learn to get on with my life. I don't need a man period and I especially do not need some kid who thinks he can better control my life than I can. So do us both a favor and beat it," I ordered, shoving him back out the door and closing it in his face.
Silence followed as I leaned against the door and tried to catch my breath. I prayed it worked. I prayed my outburst of anger convinced Nick that giving up the tour for me was wrong, that I didn't need him or want him to be there for me.
With my eyes on the floor I saw the little note slide under the door. Kneeling, I picked it up and unfolded it.
I'll go but I'm not leaving you.
Beneath the words was sprawled his cell phone number. He would go through with the tour but he was leaving me a way to contact him if I needed him. The damn kid was stubborn, I had to admire him for that even as I hated him for it.
I buried myself in work after that. Gone were the stolen moments of laughing with Kate, talking with Annie, drinking coffee with Denise. I kept my door closed to the world and turned down any offers to leave the safety of that room.
Even in my haze of paper work I still felt the pain of Manny's death. My
eyes continuously strayed to the picture I kept of him with my other three
brothers and father on my desk. His smile was so bright, his eyes so alive.
It was wrong that he no longer shared that smile with the world. It was
wrong that he would never hold me in his arms again. It was wrong that he
would never call me Jacklyn again or make a smart remark about my height or
let me win when we played basketball. Everything was wrong now. It was all
wrong and nothing and no one could ever make it right again.
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