"Show me the meaning of being lonely. Is this the feeling I need to walk with? Tell me why I can't be there where you. There's something missing in my heart."
I punched my alarm clock to kill the sound of "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely." I remembered when the Boys had released the song so many years ago. It was a beautifully sad song that always touched my heart. Today it just made me angry. They pretended to know what it felt like but in truth they had no idea, not even Kevin.
Lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling I just listened. I listened to the world that kept moving forward while I was standing still four weeks after the funeral. That's when I heard the voices.
"I can't go," Nick said from somewhere out in my living room.
"What do you mean, you can't go? You have to go, Nick," Brian responded.
"Nick you can't just abandon the tour," Kate said.
I crawled from my bed and inched my way to the door to peak out. I was surprised to see Brian perched on the arm of my sofa, Kate sitting in the chair next to him, and Nick pacing the room running his hands through that beautiful blonde hair. What were they doing in my home and what in the hell was Nick talking about? I listened.
"What I can't do is abandon Jack. Have you looked at her? She can't get out of that bed, she hardly eats, hell she doesn't even sleep half the time. She just lies there. She's slowly dying. I can't leave her. I don't want to leave her," Nick admitted, stopping to stand in front of his friends.
He looked heartbroken. Torn between a career that was his heart and soul, his very life and a woman that wasâ€| wasâ€| Was what? Why did my well being, my sanity, my life mean anything to him? I just worked for him.
"Nick, please think about this," Kate pleaded.
He dropped to his knees in front of her and took her hands in his own. "I have thought about this, Kate. It's all I think about."
"She has family to take care of her though, Nick. Jacob and Jake, Quin and Eric. They'll watch her, they will make sure nothing happens to her. They can get her through this," Brian added.
"Really? You think five men grieving over the loss of their son and brother is going to have the strength both physically and mentally to help Jack? Brian, have you seen her? Kevin couldn't even get through to her. Kevin! Kevin, who knows how much she's hurting, Kevin who has always been able to get through to anyone. She threw him out, Brian," Nick exclaimed, standing and throwing his arms up in the air.
"So you're going to leave the tour, ignore your obligations, your commitments, your friends, your fans for Jack?" Kate asked, standing up as well.
Nick slowly turned around to look at a woman he had described as his best friend. He stared at her for a few moments in silence and I could tell he was thinking of his answer. Why was it I was holding my breath for his answer?
"If I thought she really needed me then yes. Yes, I would and I know with everything in me that my friends and my family and my fans would understand," Nick admitted.
"You really think your fans would understand you abandoning them for a woman you hardly know?" Brian asked.
I was starting to get the feeling that no one wanted Nick to help me. No, that wasn't fair. It wasn't me they were thinking about. They didn't want Nick to do something crazy, to tear about a tour they had been planning for months, a tour they had all been looking forward to. And the truth was I didn't want Nick to do that. I knew how much that tour meant to Brian and Kevin and Howie and A.J. as well as Nick. Their music brought them all the beautiful things in their lives. It would have been a crime to ask them to give that up for anyone. Especially for me.
"Not for a woman I hardly know," Nick admitted, turning his back on his friends. He was facing me now, his head hanging his body faced my door. Slowly he raised his head and for a single moment I thought maybe he saw me. If he did he didn't let me know.
"But I would for a woman I'm falling in love with."
NO! No! He couldn't do that. He couldn't say that. He didn't mean it. I wouldn't let him mean it.
Bolting to my feet, I threw open the door and stormed out into my own living room.
"Get out! Get out now. All of you, out. Get out and go away and leave me the hell alone. I don't want you here. I want your concern or your friendship or anything else you have to offer. Get out!" I was screaming and waving my hands around hysterically. I knew I sounded crazy. I knew I looked crazy, but I didn't care.
"Jack," Nick began, surprised to see me.
"Don't! Don't talk to me, don't try and console me, and don't call me Jack. That just makes it worse. I just want all of you to go. Go back to your homes and your families and just leave me alone. I'm fine or at least I will be when you go away," I said.
I didn't know how I looked. I didn't know about the circles under my eyes, how pale my skin was, how tangled my hair had become. I didn't know that I looked like a woman on the verge of something crazy. All I knew was I felt like a woman who was going crazy.
Pain and confusion will do that to you. It'll take your whole life and twist it into something you'll never recognize. You'll look back at that and think you're remembering a completely different person. You can't imagine acting like that, thinking like that, feeling like that. When you hurt though, well that pain could care less what you think.
"Jack, honey. Calm down. We're just worried about you," Brian said, concern etching his voice as he stood and took a step towards me.
"Don't. Don't touch me and don't be concerned. I'm just great all right? I just need some time alone and no one will give it to me. So please, I'm begging you. Go home. Kate, I'll be at work Monday. I'm sorry I've just left you like that. Brian, go home to Leighanne and Bannah and Charlotte. Nick, under no circumstances are you to leave this tour. Having you here only makes it worse so please. Leave me alone."
With those words I turned on my heels and walked back into my room closing the door softly behind me.
When I was little Manny told me that silent anger and silent grief
was
always much more scary then slamming doors or sobbing tears. It meant
there
was an explosion waiting to happen. Something strong and hateful. I
wondered if it would scare him to know that I didn't slam my bedroom door.
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