"Mommy says that loving someone is knowing a part of you that's missing without them. Daddy says loving someone is knowing all the great things in the world. I think that if you love someone then you are loved. I love you, Jack."
Jamie McLean was far too wise for his age, for any age. I lay curled up on my bed as he sat next to me whispering his words in my ear. He thought I was asleep. I didn't correct him. I simply lay listening to the ideals of love from a four-year-old, a four-year-old I was hurting.
"Jack, I'm scared. I don't like seeing you like this. Mommy says you're sad because your brother died. I'm sorry, Jack, but please don't die too. Please, Jack."
The quiet sob broke my heart. For all the pain I was in I couldn't hurt this beautiful child as well. He loved me and he was still too young to learn how painful it was to love.
"I'm not going to die, Jamie," I assured the child, pulling him into my arms.
"Promise, Jack?"
Promise, Jack? Promise, Manny? Promise you won't die, promise you won't leave, promise it won't hurt like this, promise?
I had never lied to Jamie. Never given false hope or promised things I couldn't promise. He had a lifetime to learn about lies and broken hearts and false hopes. He wouldn't learn from me.
"I'm not going to die," I simply repeated. I would never promise again.
"Does it hurt?" he asked me in the silence of the room.
"Does what hurt?"
"Your heart. Does it hurt since Manny died?"
"Everything hurts without Manny, love."
Why is it the world doesn't stop for your pain? As much as it hurts why doesn't the world stop and let you mourn? Don't they realize what the world has lost, that one of the most beautiful people to ever live is gone?
"Time to get up, Jack."
I opened my eyes to look in to the kind green ones of Kevin.
"Get out, Kev," I ordered, turning over.
I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see anyone. They didn't know. They didn't care. My heart and soul were gone and the world kept spinning. Well, the world could go to hell. "Now, Jack," he said, pulling the blankets off of me.
"I said get out, Kevin," I yelled, glaring at him.
"And I said get up, little girl." With those words he scooped me up into his arms and carried me towards the bathroom
"Damn it, Kevin! Put me down now," I demanded, pounding my fists against his chest.
My anger didn't bother him. He paid no attention to my fists. I was nothing more than an unhappy child in his arms. Carrying me was hardly an effort to him and that only made me angrier.
When he dropped me into the shower and turned on the cold water I screamed and bolted to my feet.
"Damn you, Kevin Richardson," I screamed, swinging my fist to hit him.
He caught my hand and pulled me against him. Then he waited. He waited and waited as the silence echoed through the bathroom. He waited and finally the damn broke.
"I hate you," I screamed, pounding against his chest. "I hate you, all of you. You don't care and you don't understand. You just keep going like nothing has changed. You want me to get up but I don't have a reason to anymore and you could care less."
I screamed and I ranted and I pounded my fist. I hated him and I hated my family and I hated the world for letting it happen, for letting it happen and for not giving a damn. I hated everything and everyone and I was releasing that anger on Kevin.
"I hurt, damn you. I hurt and my brother is dead and there's not a person in the world that cares. Why don't you care, Kevin? Why doesn't anyone care that Manny's gone?" I sobbed, losing all my anger and strength and collapsing into his arms. "Why doesn't anyone care? Why won't you let me grieve, why won't you grieve, why won't the world stop for just a little while and let me hurt?"
Sitting on my bathroom floor, soaked to the bone, I cried in Kevin's arms. I just wanted someone else to hurt as much as I did and no one else seemed to give a damn.
"Everything you've ever believe in is gone. Everything you've ever trusted or kept sacred has just disappeared. You're alone and confused and angry and no one understands. Life keeps going and his has stopped and you want to know how that can be."
Kevin said the words with such understanding it hurt. How did he know? How did he know why I was so angry, why I was so confused? How did he know that my life was gone with Manny and I hated the world for not stopping to mourn the fact?
I tilted my head back and looked up at Kevin. He stared down at me with pain filled green eyes, eyes that understood, eyes that had cried it's own share of tears of grief. Jerald Richardson Sr.
"Kevin, I," I began but he stopped me with the shake of his head.
"Don't apologize, Jack. Just know that I understand. I know the anger, I know the confusion when you tried to figure out why time hasn't stopped to take notice of Manny's death. I know, little girl. I know it hurts and it doesn't make sense and it's frustrating and you just want to curl up in that bed and let it hurt. As long as you are in the bed you can convince yourself time has stopped, the world is no longer spinning and everyone is mourning the lose of Manny. I know how that is."
"I can't live like this, Kevin. I can't wake up every morning and see that life is moving forward while he's growing colder in the ground. I can't do that. It's not fair," I cried.
It wasn't fair. I didn't care who said life wasn't fair, this was cruel. No one should have to hurt that much. It wasn't right and it didn't make sense. Why? What purpose did it served to hurt that much, what good did it do to feel like you wanted to die too? There was no point and I hated whatever or whoever was responsible for that feeling.
"No. No, it's not fair and it's not right and the worst part is not matter how angry you get or how much you cry it never will be. Manny won't come back, the world won't stop to mourn him, you won't die without him no matter how much it feels like you will."
"But it feels like I will, Kevin. It feels like I'm going to die, it hurts so much," I admitted.
"And it will. It will for a long time. It'll never stop hurting, Jack. You'll just learn to deal with that pain. You'll learn to remember the joy and the love and the happiness. Manny will be a brother you'll always love, the world will keep spinning with you in it, and you will live to do things that would make him very proud."
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that I would learn to live with feeling like that. I wanted to believe that I would go on living, but I couldn't. I couldn't believe it.
"No! Get out, Kevin. Just get out and leave me the hell alone," I demanded, shoving him out and slamming the door in his face.
It hurt and no matter what I knew I wasn't going to just learn to
live
with it. No one learns to live with that kind of pain.
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